To my great dismay, I was the first girl in my class to develop breasts and in the fifth grade I got my first bra.

Shopping for your first bra has got to be one of the most profound exercises in female pre-teen humiliation.

When you're 11, you can think...

Note to reader: I originally wrote this when "Eat Pray Love" was in the movie theaters. But I'm posting it today on what would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. Now, it's just another day on the calendar. And "Jack Ass 3" is number one at the box office. Onward.

Note: Some scenarios have been changed to protect the identity of individuals involved. Other scenarios have been completely fabricated to make me sound like more fun than I really am.

The Twelve-Step Program originally created in 1955 in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous has helped countless individuals around the globe...

Remember the Friends episode when Monica and Rachel and Phoebe decided to cleanse themselves of all the asshole men they'd dated by burning mementos from failed relationships in the middle of the living room?

I actually considered doing that recently.

I had my mementos all picked out.

A Notre Dame...

If I were a boy...

I'd play golf badly while wearing stupid pants.

I'd puff long and hard on cigars and act like it wasn't the least bit phallic.

I'd sip single malt and go all in before the flop on the floor of the Venetian when just a week...

All girls like to primp and preen just like their moms.

And on this particular Mother's Day, as I sat getting my bi-weekly mani/pedi, I watched as a little girl, no older than five, had her nails painted.

She chose bright purple for her fingers.

And neon orange for her...

When Eve Ensler debuted her Vagina Monologues off-Broadway in 1996, America had seen nothing like it. Now after years of controversy and notoriety, the monologues have taken on a life of their own, engaging communities far and wide and enlivening causes ranging from trans-gender rights to combating violence against women...

It seems every time I turn on the news an anchor is espousing a horror story about how some suburban soccer mom with a car full of honor roll students couldn't get her Sienna minivan to stop on the way to band practice. Or how some crunchy granola...

In a world where ordering a cup of coffee at Starbucks makes the theory of relativity look like something Einstein came up with while on a bender, it's no surprise that in the year of 2010, the best part of waking up may no longer be Folgers in your cup.

She's the queen of the tea party rabble-rousers and does more for lipstick than a pitbull could ever hope to. And while my opinion on death panel Palin will forever remain a secret known only to my closest confidants and a handful of neighbors who hear me scream every time...

I did something on Sunday night that I haven't done since I was a co-ed in my dorm room at the University of Wisconsin, I popped some kettle corn and watched the Academy Awards from top to bottom.

For what it's worth, here are my top five ordinary observations of...

In honor of his, fifth, yes count em, fifth heart attack, I've decided to salute former vice president and 2010 CPAC hero, Dick Cheney, by proclaiming to the world (or at least the half dozen folks who read this blog) my top five reasons I'd fuck Dick Cheney:

It's hard to believe it's been 12 years since Slick Willy told a federal grand jury and the American people he didn't boff that chubby girl in the beret.

After seeing a news clip of Billy's infamous speech the other day, I couldn't help but think about my own sexual...

I have several recurring themes in this blog -- men, my weight, liquor, shoes, Springsteen. Ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, my job, my friends, my family, the curious thoughts that pop into my head when I'm trying not to stare at freaks on the Metro or soaping my naughty nuggets in the...