Scientists Discover American Exceptionalism Gene

04/30/2013 05:44 pm ET | Updated Jun 30, 2013

In a shocking discovery, an international team of biologists, led by the famous Dr. Gibbons, a renowned Dutch geneticist, have discovered a unique 'American' gene. Coined 'the exceptional gene' by the press, it seems to occur naturally in all natural born American citizens. The effects of this gene, while not yet entirely understood, seems to, quite simply, make Americans the most exceptional people in the world. More hardworking than their lazy southern neighbors, or the distant Chinese, more focused than the Germans, more democratic than Norway, and essentially, just better than everybody else.

The discovery of this uniquely American gene explains the previously unexplainable rhetoric that has been confusing Non-Americans for years. The Republican Party's assumptions that Americans are 'exceptional' or even President Obama's bold declaration that 'on an even playing field, Americans will win every time', have often seemed childishly narcissistic and ignorantly populist to uninformed foreigners. Now however, the rest of the world finally understands the American condition as never before. For the first time in many years, the empirical science underlying the basic assumptions of superiority underlining American politics at all levels, makes sense.

At the same time, we at The Lapine are being forced to re-evaluate our own opinions on American policy as a whole. We, as part of 'the rest of the world' have often condemned many American policies and actions as ignorant and senseless, from the unprovoked invasion of Iraq, to the dangerous levels of financial deregulation on Wall Street or the legal provisions mandating that the President must have been born in America. However as part of the unexceptional 'rest of the world', who are we to judge? How can we, the rest of the world, ever comprehend just what it means to be American? Are Rick Perry's jingoistic slogans, or Newt Gingrich's lack of decent humanity, all part of some larger plan, again, as the unexceptional 'rest of the world' we may never know.

The Lapine's former Non-American and notably unexceptional Canadian science correspondent Jackie Wethington was unable to explain how 'the exceptional gene' occurs naturally across the strikingly diverse multi ethno-cultural lines of the United States. Hopefully, The Lapine's next, more 'exceptional' science correspondent; will be able to do a better, more exceptional job.

Ryan Cresswell

Reporting For The Lapine