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College Coaches Try to Find Perfect Analogy in Paying Tribute to Stanley Kaplan

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NEW YORK (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) The man indirectly responsible for helping scores of high school athletes squeak by their SATs and make it to the college ranks, died yesterday at the age of 90. Fittingly, several prominent college coaches paid tribute to Stanley Kaplan and his indispensable SAT prep courses through use of analogy.

"Stanley Kaplan was to education as the young man who took Derrick Rose's SAT is to reading comprehension," said former University of Memphis coach John Calipari, whose team's 2007-8 season was stricken from the books when the N.C.A.A. found that former player Derrick Rose had someone take his SATs.

"Stanely Kaplan was to education as a table cloth is to consensual after dinner sex," said University of Louisville coach Rick Pitino. "Not that I'm proud of what I did - but the analogy works, no?" Pitino admitted to having sex six years ago with a woman not his wife on a restaurant table after closing.

"Stanley Kaplan was to education as a Vegas show girl is to a freshman point guard," said Jerry Tarkanian, former coach of the University of Nevada Las Vegas, one of three schools he landed on probation.

"Stanley Kaplan was to education as Bootsy Collins is to funk," said 78-year old Florida State coach Bobby Bowden, in a veiled reference to the scandal involving two dozen FSU players who allegedly cheated in an online music course.

Surrounded by several new recruits, University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban invoked a different literary device in praising the legacy of Mr. Kaplan. "Stanley Kaplan helped make the term 'student-athlete' more than an oxymoron," said Saban. "And for that we owe him a great debt of gratitude." One freshman standing over Mr. Saban's right shoulder immediately demanded to know who he was calling a moron.