Written by Aunt Becky on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.
While I've often considered a long-term breakup to be quite similar to divorce, there are a number of complications that arise after you've told the government that you're married. This isn't to say that the feelings and the division of property aren't similar, it's just much harder to untangle all the strings when you're getting a divorce.
Here are some of the things people going through a divorce think -- some funny, some tragic, others somewhere in the middle:
1) "Is this the right thing to do?" The act of divorcing can leave us overwhelmed and unsure of what to do.
2) "Is this REALLY the right thing?" I'm getting a divorce, which means that I'm currently questioning everything I do, from painting my nails to tucking my kids into bed.
3) "Well, at least I won't have to deal with his mother (or family, as the case may be) again." Sometimes, there are definite perks to divorce. This may (or may not) be one of them.
4) "I'll never see my in-laws again!" Some of us get along so fabulously with our in-laws that the prospect of losing them may hurt a lot.
5) "How badly are we screwing up our kids?" Parental guilt at its finest. When you're divorcing, make certain that you're doing right by the kids.
6) "Wow -- I get to date again!" Once your marriage is over, you get to participate the newness of the whole dating scene again, and that can definitely be a good thing.
7) "Ugh, I'm back in the dating pool -- AGAIN!" Some of us didn't enjoy dating, so the idea of getting back into the single world leaves us feeling sick to our stomachs.
8) "How can I survive alone?" For those of us who've grown used to relying on having another person around, this can be downright terrifying.
9) "What did I do wrong?" In most divorces, there is no one to blame, but human nature wants us to find fault when faced with a bad outcome. Divorce is no different.
10) "No one will love me again." Divorce plays funny tricks on your mind, sort of like depression. You may feel that your ex was your true love, and that no one will ever love you again.
What other things go through every divorcee's mind?
More from The Stir:
10 Things Couples Do That Make Single People Crazy
10 Ways to Stay Sane During Your Divorce
8 Simple Ways to Feel Sexy Again After a Divorce
15 Tips for Getting Through a Divorce
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Personally, I'd like to see some other thoughts than "woe is me" like "what was it about this person that made me believe this relationship would work" and "what did I learn from this mistake?"
1. How much is she going to steal from me in the settlement?
2. How much is she going to continue to leech off of me after the divorce?
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I think sometimes one party is to blame, but usually both are at fault. I suppose sometimes people who are totally wrong for each other get married and their relationship is dysfunctional from early on, but that doesn't really absolve us from any wrong we did in a marriage, and some wrongs will be done usually by both parties in a marriage that ends in divorce. If you believe that no one is to blame in most divorces you're likely to learn nothing from your mistakes. If your husband wasn't a good husband, odds are you weren't that great of a wife either. If you think you were, odds are you aren't looking at the whole picture. I bet your ex spouse has a whole different take on it, and then there's the cold objective truth about your respective performances as spouses, which neither of you are ever likely to grasp completely. There is always room for improvement.
I do think it's true that there is rarely a good guy and a bad guy in a divorce, and think everyone getting divorced should listen especially to the chorus of this cheesy old 70's song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8_FOQ7-P30
Sadly, often there is someone to blame. It takes a lot to divorce someone and a lot of the reasons come down to infidelity, addiction, and mental illness. The fact that a spouse would choose another partner, a drug, or not treating an illness means they ARE to blame. The thing I think that goes through a lot of divorcees heads is - Vulnerability. I have NO control over other people's bad choices. You cannot be smug any longer.
You only get to control you. Life and partnership is risk. Someone can drive your life into a ditch, and that's on them. It's terrible for the kids, but you can survive, and rebuild. And (although it is a risk), learn a lot about yourself and what you value and choose better next time.