PHILADELPHIA PA - Ira Einhorn, the 70's environmental and anti-war activist currently serving a life sentence for murdering a former girlfriend and keeping her mummified remains in a trunk in his closet before jumping bail and fleeing to Europe, has been hired as a columnist by the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Harold...

WASHINGTON DC - In a not unexpected development, Senator Arlen Specter announced today that he has joined the Central Committee of the Khmer Rouge. "All my life", said Specter, "I have worked tirelessly to round up professionals and intellectuals while relocating urban populations into agricultural communes".

Specter's announcement, which the...

It's come to this: Dick Cheney wants more disclosure.

Yes, the Empire's media continue to treat the reality of torture with all the introspection of the Lot family hauling ass from Gomorrah. Yet you only need to watch the pathetically jibbering Michael 'It-Was-A-False-Wall-With-Neck-Support' Hayden to know: The fear is...

twitter.com/AbeLinc

4/14 7:30AM "Looks like a nice day. Had an egg."

4/14 9:00AM "Reading the papers. Beard itches."

4/14 11:00AM "Cabinet meeting."

4/14 11:10AM "Stanton wants to hang R.E. Lee."

4/14 11:25AM "Welles' toupee keeps sliding around his head."

4/14 12:20PM "Stanton wants to hang Chase."

4/14...

The late great Don Knotts used to do a character called "the nervous man." You can see it on display in "The Ghost And Mr. Chicken" when Knotts addresses a Chamber Of Commerce picnic. The papers in his hands shake violently, his voice squeaks, and his every utterance begins with...

McLean, Virginia--Former Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he sees nothing in the Constitution that could prevent him from practicing torture after leaving office. Speaking before a gathering of CSPAC, the Conservative Sadists Political Action Committee, Cheney grew wistful and almost teared up as he spoke of how difficult...

Perhaps you've noticed the incoming administration's attempts to identify with Abraham Lincoln. The references to Team of Rivals, riding the train to Washington for the inauguration, even planning to use the actual bible Lincoln used to take the oath of office. But the following letter, released this morning by the...

Springfield, IL -- Embattled Governor Rod Blagojevich is winning new found respect and admiration from this country's media establishment for his call to invade Indiana. Shouting to reporters from the alley behind his house, Blagojevich charged that Indiana has not fully complied with daylight savings time and may in fact...

We have a very simple rule when it comes to political appointments: if Fred Barnes likes the appointee, then something somewhere is terminally wrong. Perhaps many of you strode to the voting booth in November with one goal in mind, to reassure Max Boot. Others no doubt wanted to "change"...

Washington DC -- David Addington, whose combination of brutish bullying and abject physical cowardice made him the ideal chief of staff for Vice President Cheney, today disguised himself as a turkey in an attempt to receive the traditional Thanksgiving pardon from President Bush. Addington apparently intended to use the pardon...

WASHINGTON - In what could signal a major departure from the conciliatory tone of Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team Of Rivals, aides to President-elect Obama today confirmed that he is reading a biography of 15th century Balkan ruler Vlad Tepes. Vlad, who on St. Bartholomew's Day 1459, impaled 30,000 citizens of...

Washington, D.C. -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced today that Joseph Lieberman will retain his chairmanship of the Senate Select Committee for Self-Serving Gasbags Spouting Sanctimonious Horseshit in That Slimy, More-Sorrow-Than-Anger, Put-Upon Tone.

Lieberman, who begged now President-Elect Obama to campaign for him when his Senate seat was in...

Dateline: Washington DC, January 20, 2009 (around dinner time) -- A team of lobbyist/pundits from the American Enterprise Institute, working feverishly throughout inauguration day to transcribe reality into something with which they are more familiar, has concluded that President Barack Obama intends to transport the human race to his native...

No doubt many of you will vote for Obama believing that a new era of all-embracing harmony shall cover the land like rivulets of bipartisan dew. We on the other hand just want him to do less evil. Call us cynical, but new eras have a hard time dawning while...

"Real Americans" from "Real America" give their carefully reasoned and meticulously constructed arguments against an Obama presidency.  Behold the GOP base in all its glory.

STOCKHOLM -- The Royal Swedish Academy of Falsity announced today that William Kristol, over-employed propagandist for neoconservatism, is the 2008 winner of The William James "Bill" O'Reilly, Jr. Prize in Groundless Bloviation in Memory of Alfred Nobel.

The academy cited Kristol's "uncanny ability to be utterly and completely wrong about...

Bayonne, NJ - In an effort to deal with rapidly worsening economic conditions, John McCain called on cheating husbands to follow his example of tactical remarriage. Speaking in a dimly lit pickup joint to a crowd of self-described horndogs, McCain urged married men to "find a skirt what's got cabbage".

Blatant lies, abject sleaze, even utter contempt for demonstrable reality have been staples of Republican campaigning since Lee Atwater's first cell phone. What distinguishes the McCain-Davis-Schmidt approach is that they don't even care what their version of the facts are. They will literally say anything.

We're pretty sure this ad...

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA -- Seeking to counter the "temple" appearance of Barack Obama's Invesco Field stage, John McCain will speak from a revolving series of platforms designed to resemble those homes he can remember. Campaign strategist/lobbyist Charlie Black hailed the set design as "a salute to the true American success...