1st Draft of Cheney's Letter to Grandchildren

Dear Kate, Elizabeth, Grace, Philip, Richard, and Sam,

As I write this, your portfolios are all performing quite well. My principal focus as Vice President has been to protect all the money I have made from doing business with Iran and Iraq, and buying up companies with lots and lots of asbestos liabilities.

As you grow, you will come to understand the sacrifices that each generation makes to preserve our money. But always remember "sacrifice" is for suckers. If, like me, you are disinclined toward courage, there is always a way to avoid any, shall we say, unpleasantness. During a thing called the Vietnam War, I took what was known as a "deferment" so that I could pursue other priorities. I took them five times. Then, when a big meddling bureaucracy called the Selective Service eliminated special protections for childless married men, I copulated furiously with your Grandma (putting my penis inside her vagina if you will) so that your Mommy/Aunt could be born nine months and two days later.

The point is, whatever happens we will be fine. I have dug a big huge bunker, at taxpayer's expense, under my mansion. All of us can stay there if we have to kill the Iranians with nuclear bombs.

I ask of you as my grandchildren what I asked of my daughters, never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking. They have no right to know anything ever. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

May God bless and protect you,
Richard B. Cheney
Veritable President of the United States

P.S. Burn this.