Advising the Candidates: Chris Christie (1st in a Series)

03/02/2015 11:47 am ET | Updated May 02, 2015

For any GOP candidate there are certain absolutes.
*The Constitution consists of the second amendment and the Articles Of Confederation.
*You are not a scientist.
*Racism is not a thing.
*Life begins at erection.
The rest is packaging.

Watching Chris Christie talk to Laura Ingraham at CPAC, wedged into his seat with a level of physical discomfort not seen since Woody Allen clung to the bouncing s-shaped chair in Sleeper, we were struck with one thought... try as he might, Chris Christie will never overcome his intrinsic corpulence. So if we were advising him, it would be as follows:


Grow a fine beard. Lengthen your hair. Dress all in black. Take to wearing a cape and a wide brimmed hat and carrying a ruby handled 'walkin' stick.

Project the world weary genius of Orson Welles, the debauched hipness of Johnny LaRue and the cocky certainty of Ralph Kramden.

Always drink from a goblet.

Always strut onstage in the style of an inebriated Mummer.

Only discuss economic policy while tearing apart a roast chicken with your bare hands like Henry VIII. Talk with your mouth visibly full, lick your fingers constantly, always gesture using a bone, and toss scraps of meat and skin at any who dare contradict you.

Triple down on being a bully. Don't just berate a teacher with a smug lecture. Get up in their face and go all Sam Kinison on their ass. Scream. Scream loudly to make your point and after your point is made scream again. Then scream.

Yes, like many Gilded Age pols before you, you are corrupt. But you are the big fat guy. You are Mardi Gras and voodoo. A flagon of wine and ten dozen raw oysters. A maestro. A man of mystery. An angry Falstaff who's bedded many a buxom wench and dug many a hole in the Pine Barrens. You are Christopher 'Big Daddy' Christie. And you can do for America what Mac Rebennack did for zydeco.

note: back in the day on our radio show, we'd always take suggestions for the most truthful campaign songs. Here's ours for Chris Christie...feel free to post yours in the comments.