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Jerry and Joe Long Headshot

Can Scum Save Us From Maniacs?

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Only in Washington, which considers Sally Quinn cultured and Jonah Goldberg an intellectual, could Politico run a story seriously comparing John Boehner to Don Draper.

Now for those of you who know anything at all about Mad Men, you know that if John Boehner resembles anyone on that show it's the alcoholic, bisexual tobacco executive Lee Garner Jr. No matter, this translucent nonentity with a polyester soul may soon become Speaker. Attention must be paid.

Meanwhile, the perjured blob that is Clarence Thomas has helped free the TV, radio and mailbox for vast, undocumented money dumps from the likes of his manic, Jesus-crazed spouse. For the Supreme Court, corporations, both foreign and domestic, are people too. Money is now speech even when you don't know who's talking. And the Chamber of Commerce is hellbent on proving once and for all that "commerce" does not mean "jobs".

But only the Goldman Sachs' of this world get to call scams "instruments". The rest of us must call a Koch brothers-financed Dick Armey-organized Tea Party a "grassroots" movement.

Unfortunately, many of us must call scum like Harry Reid or Steny Hoyer a "lesser evil".

And, sweet babbling Yaweh, they are! There are actual maniacs seeking office this year. Not just the ones who fear masturbating Hispanic mice with human brains providing abortions to Asian-looking proponents of the 14th Amendment. In Georgia's 8th district, a troglodyte named Austin Scott believes we will cut the deficit by drug testing welfare recipients... and the Democratic incumbent agrees with him.

True, there are certain races where even a blue-leafed hosta plant would be able to discern the superiority of a Joe Sestak to an avaricious toad like Pat Toomey. However, Barack Obama thought Arlen Specter would be the better candidate.

In fact, while we're all feeling sorry for the malleable Tea Partiers who can't recognize their own interests, let's remember that soon after the election Obama's bipartisan deficit commission will report. Alan Simpson, spry and surly and just this side of total dementia, will recommend major cuts in Social Security and Medicare. And the president will go along.

And the "sensible" media will support him. For you see, having done all those radical socialist things like handing trillions to the powerful, Obama will have no choice politically but to move to the center and hand trillions to the powerful.

But what the hell, he's already accomplished 70% of what he set out to do.

See ya at the polls.