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Jerry and Joe Long Headshot

Cheney Plans To Continue Torturing As Private Citizen

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McLean, Virginia--Former Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he sees nothing in the Constitution that could prevent him from practicing torture after leaving office. Speaking before a gathering of CSPAC, the Conservative Sadists Political Action Committee, Cheney grew wistful and almost teared up as he spoke of how difficult it has been to "walk away from beatings and electric shock."

Cheney, renowned for his personal physical cowardice, said he plans to have private KBR security contractors kidnap random Wyoming residents off the streets and bring them to his basement. Once there, they'll be placed in a windowless room with 24 hour electric light and subjected to loud noise, extremes of heat and cold, and random psychological abuse.

"The coolest thing," said Cheney, "is when you chain or rope them into uncomfortable positions and they have to stay that way even when they shit and piss themselves. Just talking about it gets me hard. Or as hard as I'm capable of getting."

Cheney, 68, is currently dating Victor Davis Hanson. The couple are said to prefer quiet evenings at home oiling each other up and misreading Greek history.