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Jerry and Joe Long Headshot

Heather's Father Marries A Dog

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A children’s book on the religious and ethical consequences of gay marriage. Now with Evangelical
and Secular Humanist endings. (For IQ’s 0 and up.)

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Heather.

Heather lived in a normal house with her normal family on a normal street of a normal neighborhood.

Heather’s father ran the house.

Heather’s mother served under him.

Heather and her brother and sister were taught to fear God.

Heather was happy.

Then one day, Heather and her family saw homosexuals getting married.

Men were marrying men.

Women were marrying women.

“Oh my goodness”, said Heather’s mother.

“This”, said Heather’s father, “is not normal”.

Heather was worried.

That night, something strange happened to Heather’s normal neighborhood. It was as if the very foundations of the normal houses were ripped up and pushed around.

The next morning, Heather’s father announced that he wanted a divorce.

He had decided to marry a dog.

It was a cream-colored collie named Fudgepuff who lived down the street.

Heather’s father said that he had always wanted to marry Fudgepuff and now he knew that he could.

Heather’s mother said that was fine with her. She was going to marry her sister Judy.

Heather’s sister said that Uncle Ed had asked her to be one of his six new wives.

Heather’s brother said that he was eloping with a pederast.

Heather was frightened.

Out on the street, everyone was marrying everything.

Mrs. Jenkins was marrying a tree root.

Mr. Jenkins was marrying ring bologna and a bowl of dip.

Mrs. Potter was marrying a clump of dryer lint.

Mr. Potter was marrying a section of the bench in the visitor’s dugout of the Little League ball field.

Old Mr. Billow couldn’t find anything he wanted to marry. So he decided to become a woman and then marry himself.

Heather was confused.

That afternoon, everyone went to the wedding of Fudgepuff and Heather’s father.

They said their vows and exchanged their rings.

The minister called them husband and wife, and they kissed.

Then everyone went to the reception.

The wedding party posed for pictures around the cake.

Fudgepuff’s best friend caught the bouquet.

Heather’s brother’s pederast caught the garter.

Heather wondered what would happen next.

[The Evangelical Ending]

Suddenly, trumpets sounded and the heavens opened.

Jesus came down from the sky riding a white horse.

His eyes were like flames. His clothes were dipped in blood. And out of his mouth came a sword.

Jesus smiled at Heather.

Then he chopped and hacked all the homosexuals into tiny piles of fleshy red goo which were eaten by birds.

Jesus told Heather she was saved, but he would have to throw the rest of her family into a lake of fire.

Heather’s family screamed as their intestines melted to ash.

Fudgepuff yelped with pain when the molten brimstone liquefied her from tail to paws to snout.

Soon, all the sinners were dead.

Jesus set his throne atop a mountain of skulls to rule for a thousand years beside a sea of boiling bones.

Heather could hear the rotting souls of the damned gurgling in eternal agony.

Heather was happy again.

the end

[The Secular Humanist Ending]

Suddenly, trumpets sounded and the heavens opened.

Jesus walked in from the back of the room and signed the guest register.

He said that he had never preached a single word about a man marrying a man or a woman marrying a woman. He hoped that everyone was loving everyone.

“But”, exclaimed Heather, “ my father married a dog!”

Jesus chuckled. “Behold”, he said, “that’s just silly. Lose thou no sleep upon it. Nor waste ye not this good party. For thy room is reserved only unto 12.”

Jesus ate stuffed mushrooms and scallops wrapped in bacon.

He drank two whiskey sours as he mingled with the guests.

Then Heather taught Jesus the Electric Slide and everyone danced and danced.

Heather was happy again.

the end