“Pardoned” Turkey To Be Held At Guantanamo

WASHINGTON... The National Turkey, pardoned by President Bush in the traditional White House pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, will be held captive at the US military installation in Guantanamo. The turkey, said to weigh in the teens of pounds, will be interned at the request of Vice President Dick Cheney, who is concerned that it may have been raised on a farm in Prague.

A source close to the Vice President, speaking on condition of sycophantic proximity to power which journalists mistake for actual reporting, stated “it’s been pretty well verified” the turkey may have had access to various biological and chemical substances, including what has been termed by a Pentagon informant as “a potential basting agent”. Yet sources within the State Department disputed the claims of the informant, code named “Butterball”, citing his envy of natural juiciness.

Republican leaders, meanwhile, rushed back to Capitol Hill to pass a ‘sense of the Congress’ resolution that pardoning the turkey would “send the wrong message to our stomachs”. While Democrats argued that the wording of an Amnesty International report which found that the turkey had already been subjected to repeated “beatings, electric shock and waterboarding” had been changed by someone within the administration to simply read “tenderized”.

The Vice President’s long time suspicion of turkeys and food in general is set to be chronicled in a new book by Bob Woodward, “Cheney At Dinner”. The book, Woodward’s 27th court hagiography this year, portrays Mr. Cheney as embittered by repeated attempts to get food into his twisted mouth, which has resulted in painful fork wounds to his lips and teeth, causing him to take all nourishment through a straw.

President Bush, aides say, remains focused on clearing the two remaining items off his schedule, a bike ride and a nap, so he can head to Crawford for Thanksgiving and return sometime after Arbor Day.