W.'s Achievement Test

This past week was a very stressful one for our favorite little third grade girl (Joe's daughter / Jerry's niece). Every morning, following her teacher's advice, she asked for a big breakfast to help her concentrate. And every night she would worry herself to sleep hoping she would do even better the next day. Why? Because all last week she, along with millions of kids, had to take special tests to monitor their achievement.

Living as we do in this land of terminal irony, it may have escaped notice that these tests were instituted by the least educated man to ever hold the presidency. Before the right wingers retort...yes, we know Bush went to Yale and Harvard and no, we have no idea what Millard Fillmore's IQ was or where James Buchanan did his undergraduate work. But if education is a life long quest for growth and knowledge, who among us can take comfort in the fact that the occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania, on any major issue of the day, is finished thinking.

Yet there he is, the "educator in chief" letting people know what's on his mind. Confidently flipping the pages of his newest old speech. Spouting his platitudes and countering his straw men with a vice-like grasp on both the obvious and a parallel universe with dimensions undreamed by Gene Roddenberry. It's the Socratic method...if Socrates was an arrogant prick who just said one thing over and over. Where the only requirement to prove something true is a twisted J.M. Barrie/ Tinkerbell conviction to really, really believe.

Yet perhaps, like everything else Bush has done, it's not his fault. Perhaps Bush himself is trying to learn, it's just that the test he takes is bad. Now you can judge for yourself. In the tradition of the Smoking Gun, we have managed to obtain...
George W. Bush's Personal Achievement Test
(administered yearly to George W. Bush)

Question # 1
Evildoers hate...
A) starch B) rectal thermometers C) their name D) freedom

Question # 2
When the Iraqis stand up we will...
A) move over B) keep their oil C) dance The Hornpipe D) stand down

Question # 3
My job is to make...
A) rugs B) noise C) my arms jut out from my sides like a stupid-looking ape when I walk D) decisions

Question # 4
We honor those who wear...
A) socks B) a natural looking toupee C) Fox News press credentials D) our nation's uniform

Question # 5
No president wants...
A) sanity B) vaginal dryness C) to have to read D) war

Question # 6
There was a time we thought oceans would...
A) be wet B) boil as lakes of fire C) breed a race of super powerful dolphin-men D) protect us

Question # 7
I think {insert name of administration member} is doing...
A) whatever they want B) thirty years to life C) my wife D) an outstanding job

Question # 8
There's not a doubt in my...
A) panties B) bible C) financial portfolio D) mind

Question # 9
Freedom is...
A) my financial portfolio B) never having to say you're sorry C) going for rides in my very own helicopter D) the almighty's gift to the whole world

Question # 10
When it comes to the future I'm...
A) not responsible B) dead C) the cause of untold suffering and bloodshed D) optimistic