War Bolsters Iraqi Chemical Weapons Industry

MOSUL, IRAQ -- Good news for insurgents as President Bush's invasion and occupation of Iraq has bolstered the nation's previously nonexistent chemical weapons industry.

"Before American invasion," a Mosul insurgent said via a videotape released to Al Jazeera, "we could only make conventionals. Small bombs with bottles and various trash items. Rockets from time to time. Now that Americans come, we can finally get into the WMD game. The sky is, how you say? Only a limit."

The fledgling weapons indsutry faced its first obstacle near Mosul Saturday as American forces discovered and seized 1,500 gallons of chemicals in a warehouse there. Experts say that the chemicals could very well be intended for use against U.S. and Iraqi military personnel.

"The proof of weapons has been proved. We must invade Iraq," President Bush said today from his multi-million dollar estate in Crawford, Texas.

Right-wing country singer Toby Keith has already released a patriotic anthem called "The Weapons Are There Now, Michael Moore (Who Cares That They Weren't There Before Even Though I Still Think They Were)."

Opponents of the war in Iraq are outraged by news of the Iraqi post-invasion weapons programs, claiming that the Bush administration took the nation to pre-emptive war in order to find weapons which experts insisted didn't exist only to foster an environment for an insurgency which is now, as a result of the occupation, manufacturing the very weapons we sought in the first place.

"This is some sort of twisted, horrible Mobius Loop," I said to myself as I read the news in the Washington Post. "Once again, the administration's post-invasion planning? Perfection."

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*To any Bush supporters reading this, the quotes above attributed to "President Bush" and "Mosul insurgent" are fake. I made them up. The quote attributed to me, however, is real, as is the Toby Keith song. To everyone else, sorry I had to explain that. Sometimes the hoopleheads need the satire explained. You should read some of the mail I've received.

**The above disclaimer noting that the Toby Keith song is real is, in fact, fake. He won't be releasing a ridiculous song about today's news until at least tomorrow.