Until recently, "no" was a dirty word to me. As a stage-four people-pleaser, my vocabulary was rich with affirmatives: "yeah," "sure," "okay," "absolutely," "no problem." But my mouth just couldn't seem to form the consonant-vowel combination required to say "no," even when "yes" was simply impossible due to time conflicts or an overdose of stress in my daily life.
I would get stuck at "Nnnnnnn... alright." Which meant I was doing all kinds of things that I didn't want to, have to, or have time to do.
If you are like me, surrounded by a modest sampling of users, takers and even well-intentioned askers who would zap all your energy if you let them, take heart! Here are a few fun, simple techniques to get your mind and mouth to work in tandem. Repeat after me: NO!
1. Smile and shake your head.
You'll find this, the most basic form of body language, to be a sweet, nonverbal way to communicate this sentiment: NO WAY.
2. Fill your calendar.
Fill up your daily planner with prior commitments, like long, hot bubble baths. That way, you can say, "No, sorry, but I have an appointment for that evening."
3. Run out the clock.
Distract the person who's asking for your time, change the subject, and stall until it's time to say good-bye.
4. Tape your mouth shut.
You can do this figuratively (or literally!) until you learn how to say: "no," "nope," "sorry," "can't," or any other variation. If you don't say anything, you can't say, "sure, I'll do it!"
5. Let the phone ring.
Just because someone is calling doesn't mean you have to pick up. An even better method: turn your ringer off. That way you won't even know that you are saying no!
6. Post a sign.
Think, "do not disturb," or "personal time, thanks for understanding!" Project to those around you that you're in privacy mode.
7. Press "send."
After you have finished composing a polite regret to yet another request by a pushy friend.
8. Walk away.
Put one foot in front of the other until some distance has accumulated between you and the persistent nagger.
9. Volunteer someone.
Find a better person for the job (namely, someone who has more time than you). If they can't do it, it's up to them to say no for themselves.
10. Hide.
This is a stronger version of "post a sign," and "walk away." If you're still feeling tempted by "yes, I can do that" (when you really can't), build a metaphorical fort around yourself. Become invisible and completely inaccessible until the users are gone.
Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.
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and to go one better yet let's wonder why our others, although rich and bloated with services and favors, privileges and entitlements, durable good and consumables, are nevertheless so needy?
how can that be?
and why are "we" faced with these hungry ghosts over and over ?
She also said, Feel the guilt and do it anyway, meaning, the guilt one feels when saying no. In other words, the guilt is unearned and should be ignored. Guilt feelings can be analyzed for whether they are earned or not, and ignored or acted on accordingly.
But the best is, That Doesn't Work For Me. Only thing that consistently works for me ;)
disclaimer: will jeopardize your nice person reputation, however you'll avoid the dirty NO language!
Learning to set good and healthy personal boundaries keeps us safe and in the big picture can be quite freeing.
There are many good books on the subject. A great book on the subject is “Boundary Issues†by Jane Adams, PhD
Thanks for this article. It will be circulated.
It must take a lot of head-scrambling energy to invent on-going scenarios as to why you can't follow through.
Just say no in the first place.
As an adult I stressed to her over and over I would rather have her say no when she can't do something because it really ended up hurting to have her not show up. Finally, she believed me and said "no". The first time she did it and realized that I was just fine with a no she burst into tears because it was such a relief that she wasn't saddled with a commitment she knew she wasn't going to keep.
I always told her that the people in her life who were not users would be just fine with no. Now she says she can tell who is really there for her. If she says no and they get mad it's a signal to move on!
I left there feeling very confident I had not succumbed to her attempt to undermine me. I know my worth. It felt GOOD.
Thanks for the post.
What the world needs now is "No, sweet, no!"
I believe that many of us are running so fast that we are on autopilot. Saying yes to the requests, the emails, the IM's fuels the exhaustion that is one component of the stress many American's face.
I adore your post, and will be sharing it!
Thanks again,
Eli Davidson
By: Mitch "Groucho" McConnell and John "NoNo" Bohner
with backup from the ReThug Party of No singers
Horse Feathers 1932
I don’t know what they have to say,
It makes no difference anyway –
Whatever it is, I’m against it!
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I’m against it.
Your proposition may be good
But let’s have one thing understood –
Whatever it is, I’m against it!
And even when you’ve changed it or condensed it,
I’m against it.
I’m opposed to it –
On general principles I’m opposed to it!
Chorus:
He’s opposed to it!
In fact, in word, in deed,
He’s opposed to it!
For months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night till morn,
Whatever it is, I’m against it!
And I’ve kept yelling since I commenced it,
I’m against it!