Not So Brady: 4 Rules For Staying Together When You Remarry With Kids
There's a story ... of a lovely lady ... who meets her prince charming and the two of them with their six combined children live happily ever after.
NOT!
Having been Cindy Brady myself--if you changed my stepsister into a boy and fused my twin sister and I into one girl, then you have it ... the perfect Brady family--I know that there are bigger problems in the house than Jan's inferiority complex to Marsha, Peter's near-death experience with a tarantula in Hawaii, and Greg getting a tad chilled in the meat freezer at Sam's Butcher Shop when he gets locked in there. (Yes, I watched a lot of TV as a kid.)
The real issues? Peter hates Carol. He totally resents her because ever since she and her big hair came to stay, his dad isn't around to throw the football or to check over his homework. And Cindy hates Mike. Despises him. Why should he tell her what to do? He's not her dad. Plus he's just a dweeb.
It's worth investigating what makes a real Brady family tick because approximately half of all marriages in the US each year are remarriages for one or both partners and 65 percent of them involve children from a previous relationships. The divorce rate for remarriages with children are 50 percent higher than the marriages with no kids.
How do you make it work?
Here are four tips from Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do."
1. Form an airtight, solid relationship and show it to your kids.
Martin suggests doing this in small, simple ways like holding hands or telling them about one of your couple rituals, like where you go for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Having an airtight marriage means acting like a team, especially when it comes to conflicts about discipline and manners.
2. Have some childless time with each other.
Acting as a team and conveying a solid relationship to your kids is easier if you take time to nurture it, says Martin. She urges full-time stepmothers to take a childless vacation each year, to carve out a few days in the year where you can just be a couple. Date nights work, as does making your bedroom a childfree zone.
3. Learn how to fight.
Fighting doesn't doom a relationship, says Martin. Fighting the wrong way does. She writes, "According to marital experts, it's not fighting itself or even the frequency of fighting that leads to marital instability. It's the way people fight. Some fighting styles can destroy a marriage, while others can actually strengthen it."
Some pointers:
- Cushion a hard request between two loving acknowledgements ("I know it's difficult to deal with the tension between your kids and me. But I would just really like them to say hello to me when I walk in a room; Thank you for being so considerate of my feelings.");
- Put off an argument until a better time;
- Know when to walk away from a fight;
- Avoid the "four horsemen" of fights: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling;
- Break the tension with humor whenever possible.
4. Open up.
Ultimately, what binds a couple together more than anything, argues Martin, is opening up and being honest with each other, to risk rejection and fess up to your partner about why your feelings are hurt and what is so difficult in the union of families. She writes: "For women with stepchildren, that may mean swallowing your pride and making yourself vulnerable just when you feel most misunderstood and betrayed. But it is also likely to open the door to greater emotional closeness and a partnership that beats the odds."
Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.
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Left out - set ground rules for who has what level of jurisdiction with the kids.
My wife came equipped with a 15 year old son who, as many teens, sometimes had an attitude problem. We agreed that in all matter pertaining to his education, associates, curfews, movements, she had full authority. In the home or when we were together outside the home, I had equal rights.
Actually, I had two children, he did not, second marriage for both of us. 27 years later, best move I ever made. We were united as a front, which meant I had to support him and trust him to do the right thing with my children. I did. Most importantly, I went into this marriage knowing the kids were leaving, and he hopefully never would, so yes, he came first. It worked for us, and the kids adore him.
My mom re married many years ago; my step brother was a drug dealer and my step sister was 15, going on 30 and lured me to places I never should have gone to; I was naive. So not all 'blended families' are good. My mom did wind up divorcing my step father. Amazingly, he and I had a good relationship. He was kinder to me than my own father... We kept in contact after the divorce. My step brother and sister lived with their mom most of the time..
The child-free vacations, pointed hand holding for show and especially making the bedroom a "child-free zone" sound like great ways to cement your bond with your new spouse, all while saying, "my new spouse is more important than you kids and we want to be sure you understand that."
When you have kids, they come first, not the person you decide to marry. Unless your kids are outright brats, in which case they're going to be brats no matter what, these are terrible ideas. My mom has a wonderful relationship with my stepdad, partly because she was sure to do the things you mentioned, bedroom off-limits, vacationing without me, etc. They are also both complete narcissists. Go figure.
Sorry, this article rubbed me the wrong way. The South Park episode "Clubhouses," in which Stan's parents are briefly divorced, really summarizes my feelings on this:
Stan's mom: "Now, Stan, when I say 'you come first," I mean you come first after me and my feelings and my new romances."
Well said.
I agree. If you want the kids to REALLY feel like they have been replaced, elevate your new relationship to the only one that's important. That'll help the kids feel REALLY good about the new marriage and their place in the family... Parents do need to have lives and relationships with each other, but when you exclude the kids, I wonder, why did you bother to have them in the first place?
I have a terrific second marriage of 27 years and still going strong. My kids love their stepdad to pieces. I put him first, not the kids, and it is your attitude about this, IMO, that makes second marriages fail.
And BTW, wow, you sound bitter.
Oh, right, it's the KIDS' attitudes who make 2nd marriages fail. Really nice, putting the burden on the kid. I may be an adult now, but that is the perspective I'm writing from.
I sound bitter? Uh, no, but I did experience a mother who put her husband before me and made sure I knew it. I'm talking about my personal experience as a KID and you're calling me bitter? Maybe I hit a nerve with you.
"And BTW, wow," I have to at least congratulate you on being so honest about your preference for your husband over your kids.
And honestly, if you put your spouse over your kids, that's your choice, but don't expect a freaking medal or parent of the year award, or be annoyed that some people find that objectionable. You contempt for kids who object to being second in their parent's lives couldn't be more clear. I wonder if you would call a child who is currently going through that and struggling with it "bitter" as well, or just adults who previously went through it and happen to comment on it when the topic comes up.
What's wrong with having your own space. I don't go into my step-son's room, he doesn't come into ours. If the door is shut to either room, you knock before opening it.
As for vacations, my first wife and I established the mom and dad vacation program when the first child was 6 months old. People thought we were nuts. For 20 years we took one week for us, one week each on our own, and two weeks with the kids. Everyone was content.
My new son is old enough he can handle things on his own, as long as we leave plenty of pizza money. We don't hesitate to take off for a few days.
It's the attitude behind it. Yours seems perfectly reasonable, whereas Independent Means openly admits that she puts her husband over her kids. That was the same attitude my mom had. It's not that solo vacations or kid-free bedrooms are inherently bad, but stuff like that often goes along with lowering your kids on the totem pole in a way that the kids really internalize. As a child of a mother who was that way, I am inclined to be a bit more suspicious about the motivation behind such things. It's just a different perspective, and a reminder that the kid's perspective matters.
It's not paranoia. I lived it, and IndependentMeans just backed it up with her comment -- some people really do prioritize their new spouse over their kids. And that's wrong.
I could not have said it better myself. I am lucky to have parents that remain married until this day (already working on a plan to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next year).
But my mothers sister got divorced with two children, a boy and a girl. After a few years she got a new boyfriend and they married. All of a sudden my two cousins came second after the step-dad who was a rather authoritarian man. The clashes were HUGE and my aunt always took the side of her new husband against her own children. So yes, she formed one team with him, forgetting her children.
the result was that due to problems in school caused by problems at home, my parents decided to take in my two cousins (which my brother and I loved by the way!). My aunt was fine with that and she hardly kept in touch with her own children!
This was all 20+ years ago, my two cousins have no contact with their mother anymore (but do have contact with their father) and their children call my parents opa and oma (which is Dutch for granddad and grandma).
It is all fine to form one front with a new spouse, but make sure you don't estrange your children from you.
Agreed. Far too many kids have been put through the wringer of their parents' BS and screwed up priorities.
What is missing here is what type of spouse the second person is; mine was a wonderful example setter for my children. Moral, wise and willing to include them fully into his life and ours.
"Fighting doesn't doom a relationship, says Martin. Fighting the wrong way does."
Amen! Conflict is inevitable. It's what we do with it that makes or breaks the bonds between us. Avoiding conflict doesn't work forever. Couples must learn to use conflict productively. As a stepfamily coach, a big part of what I do to help couples is to help them learn how to fight well. It's amazing how connecting a "good" fight can be.
Thanks for getting that message out.
Marcia Walker
www.stepby
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