At Eric's 40th birthday party, just as he was blowing out the candles on his cake, one of my friends asked, "What do you think he's wishing?"
I blurted out, "That every night be trash night."
She howled. She knows the history of trash night in our home....
A year or so ago, I got fed up with my mate's constant begging for sex, so one night I asked him point blank, "What is the minimal number of times a week that you need sex in order to be satisfied?"
"Twice. Absolute minimum."
"Fine," I said. "You get Monday and Thursday. If you don't beg any other night."
It then occurred to me that Monday and Thursday evenings were trash night. We drag out all of our rubbish and recyclables from the last few days and leave the stuff on the curb ... to be picked up at 5 a.m. the next day, when the trash truck compressors will try to wake up our slumbering kids.
Yes, trash night is sex night in our household. Clearly a "Seinfeld" episode in the making.
This concept ... of a scheduled sex session ... was so intriguing to the other birthday guests that trash talk dominated the entire conversation for the rest of the evening.
"What about bulk pick up?" one asked.
"And what if you miss a day?" asked another.
"Eric's lucky," said the guy crossing his legs. "Our trash is only picked up once a month."
"This, right here, could very well replace trash night," said my friend with a spoonful of chocolate mousse in her mouth.
The next morning, as I was thinking over everyone's comments, I began to wonder, "Why is sex so much more desirable for men than it is for women? What happened to the days before kids when the begging was mutual?"
According to a recent post on Psych Central called "Older Women Still Enjoy Sex," a new study by the University of California-San Francisco refutes the claim that as women age, they lose interest in sex. Senior News Editor Rick Nauert writes:
In the study of nearly 2,000 women, aged 45 to 80 years old, 43 percent reported at least moderate sexual desire, and 60 percent had been sexually active in the previous three months.
Half of all sexually active participants described their overall sexual satisfaction as moderate to high. More than one quarter of women aged 65 years or older remained moderately or highly interested in sex, and more than one third of women in this age group had been sexually active in the past three months.
Among sexually inactive women in the entire group, the most common reason was lack of interest in sex (39 percent), followed by lack of a partner (36 percent), physical problem of partner (23 percent) and lack of interest by partner (11 percent).
In their book, "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex," coauthors Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp, and Stephen W. Simpson try to help couples communicate better about sex so they can free the experience to be the life-giving and nurturing activity it should be to a relationship. They write:
The reality is that women and men actually wish for the same thing. We both wish for intimacy, lifelong love, trust, respect, fun, and romance. We both want hot, mind-blowing sex. The only challenge is that we approach these wishes from different angles.
Maybe trash night, for me, is just the beginning of an attempt to figure out this male species I live with. Maybe it's a twice weekly opportunity to express my commitment, love, and devotion in a language that he speaks.
Or maybe it's simply a way to do away with all the begging.
What about you? Do you have trash night?
Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.
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I feel sorry for your partner, then. I'm a woman who is multi-orgasmic virtually every time we have sex because my man (married nearly 20 years) takes a lot of time and effort to pleasure me in the way I particularly like. When I make a request, he tries to follow up with action, each and every time, not for the next two times we have sex and then, poof, we're back to the same ole, same ole.
So wise up and understand that a woman's body is different than yours. Spend time trying different moves in the bed and outside the bed. Use those ears attached to your head and listen to what she asks, both during sex and those 23 hours away from sex.
I know plenty of women who love sex, just not with their longtime partner, because outside of the bed the partner is boorish and inside the bed, insistent on sex the way HE thinks she would like it, instead of listening to her requests. Such a turn off, that.
I love sex, love, love, love it! If I had my way, I would have it everyday and sometimes twice a day. Then I had two children within 15 months of each other. Nothing wrecks havoc on your hormones like pregnancy and childbirth.
Only a Marine would understand my level of exhaustion. Not only was I exhausted, but also I had spent the entire day being manhandled by small people, the last thing I want is more touching.
We would schedule sex, but not on such a strict schedule as the trash night couple. It worked! It helped both of us to get our needs met and everyone was happy.
I am not a controlling psycho bitch. I want to have sex, but sometimes you have to plan it and once it is planned, it starts to find a way into your regular schedule without the plan. The kids get older and there is more time in the day. It works - don't knock until you have been there and done that!
NO ONE...and I repeat NO ONE would defend a husband saying to his wife, "What is the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM I CAN MEET YOUR NEED SO YOU STOP WHINING AND B*TCHING?"
OMG this woman sucks. She hates sex and uses it to control her husband. Get gets some, IF he doesnt beg any other night. What a GREAT marriage. Hey, her therapist approves!
"In the study of nearly 2,000 women, aged 45 to 80 years old, 43 percent reported at least moderate sexual desire, and 60 percent had been sexually active in the previous three months."
That doesnt sound very good to me. 57% of women have LESS THAN "MODERATE" sexual desire. Lame.
I always thought the deal was "for better or worse",
not
"for better or worse, and worse, and worse"
Worse even, I think it is a lack of INTEREST in understanding. Mrs. Borchard mentions at the end of her article "Maybe trash night, for me, is just the beginning of an attempt to figure out this male species I live with."
She has been married for how long now? And she is just NOW "beginning" to attempt to understand her husband???
How many women here have ever spent time thinking about life from a man's shoes?
I asked this question below, and I have asked it in threads like this before...it never gets answered.
Ladies, pretend you are a man for a minute, you want sex (say, every day)....how do you go about getting it?
I'd ask her if she knew why she wasn't as interested in sex as much as she used to be. I'd help her work the issue out, bounce ideas, and explain I wanted to know if she could pinpoint some underlying causes for the decrease in interest.
Whatever she came up with, I'd work from there. Not feeling sexy? I'd find a piece of art with an older/heavier/whatever woman who is shown in a sexy way and hang it up, buy her lingerie that would flatter her body, or suggest going to a swinger's club so she could see how desirable she was. Feeling tired? I'd figure out some way we could restructure our household maintenance or cut down on outside obligations so she'd have more down time or things ran more smoothly. Feeling depressed, or unexplained drop in libido? To the doctor! Bored with sex? Time to spice it up. Just feels wholly uninterested in sex now? To a sex counselor or therapist, who can help her get to the root.
Men stereotypically think of things in terms of, "Here's a problem, where's the solution"? Just apply that to the situation. You talk about the "feminization" of men; hasn't it occurred to folks that whining and cajoling and manipulating another person (the wife) into fixing the problem for you is a very stereotypically "female" thing to do?
Also, all these people talking about divorce should consider that there are likely children involved as well as whole lives built around one another that would motivate someone to stay in a marriage even if some aspects are questionably satisfying at times.
No, really . . . the American way of life is, generally speaking, an extremely hard one, and the first things to go in a hard society are femininity and softness.
This woman is a prime example of that. She's literally 10,000 miles away from her own femininity, and has replaced her natural warmth and softness with coldness, calculation, and manipulation.
It's tragic, really, and a sad reflection of a much bigger picture.
I was at a bar one night and a gorgeous sexy young woman started flirting with me and all I was salivating and drooling I'm sure. She says stay right there I'll right back after I sing this set. She sang a set of 4 songs all very powerful and sexy then swagged back over to me. Half way she dropped her olive from her martini and it fell in a disgusting gloop amidst of dirt and floor hair. She picked it up and ate it. I was repulsed and fled before she could get to my table again. She went from drop dead gorgeous to omg in less than 20 seconds. Someone kissed her that night I'm sure but it damn sure wasnt me.
If your husband doesnt want you (vice versa) he may have seen you eat a dirty olive.
My advice : talk and communicate to your lover ALL THE TIME. Make sure you live and conduct yourself in his presence as though he's eyeing you as a meal. And I hope the men are reading this also. You act like a pig dont go stupid and think its her. Be honest with yourself. Eating two hamburgers and half a pie passing wind isnt' going to help your sex life.
That's my contribution, vulgar and strange but good and honest.
However, I once saw a chick eat something that fell on the floor, and to be quite honest I was turned on by their disregard for pristine cleanliness. Clean freaks bother me.
It's too bad people can't tell the difference between a compromise between two adults and a sex crime. I'm sure you'd get the same rage if you said (no matter how good your reasons were) that you told him no sex until he got snipped. I wish I could say I'm surprised at the response, but I'm not. Guys insist that they're owed something and girls who want to suck up to them trash anyone who doesn't play along.
If a girl isn't in a relationship that she knows would be okay if she couldn't have sex (say, if she were hurt in an accident, or she were raped and couldn't deal, or she was going through therapy for child abuse), she needs to think again. One of my girlfriends has a button that says "Trust Women". Seems people don't. Apparently the sex-police need to come out and protect your husband from an adult compromise. One of these days, people will figure out that a guy wanting it does not entitle him to getting it -- whether he buys your dinner or pays your mortgage.
Have to agree with your friends -- I wouldn't read the comments there.
Such polarizing language. A woman feels entitled to food on her plate and a roof over her head, but she doesn't want to put a smile on her partner's face. That's just as patently absurd as a man demanding nothing but sex from his partner in exchange for room and board.
I don't think people want to protect him from an adult compromise, so much as they feel sorry for a man whose wife is not interested in him. She has her own agenda, he's interfering, and she's putting out just enough so that he'll leave her alone. There is no more love to propel their relationship forward, only the inertia of marriage and children. Go ahead, read the last line again...
"Or maybe it's simply a way to do away with all the begging."
Isn't what she said clear enough for you?
Make love to each other. Be more interested in your partner's pleasure than your own; trust that it will ricochet back and forth, to everyone's benefit. Grab them, pull them to you, say their name, look them in the eye, rub their body, grab at things around you, talk dirty. Everyone should always be smiling every time it's finished.
It might be hard to be active if your sex is boring, so go look at some pr0n. There's all kinds on the Internet. There's even a YouTube-like one called YouPorn. Look around, see the various types of human sexuality, and maybe something will appeal to you (though most of it probably won't). Some new position, a new toy, an outfit, some dirty talking, or the way some of the amateurs who are clearly in love look at each other. Talk to each other about what you like. Don't be afraid to be honest, and don't ridicule.
If you really love someone, then to a certain degree, you ought to be willing to be a passive participant in something that they are actively interested in. Maybe you'll start to like it, and become an active participant. Maybe you will like their reaction more than you dislike what it is they want you to do.
I suggest sharing your views about sexual limits with any potentially significant other early in the courting process. If there are significant differences, it might be in the best interest of those involved to avoid a potentially fierce source of friction. Sometimes there are no effective compromises between a very horny individual and a partner's near-vow of chastity; whatever resolution ultimately appeals to both still won't be fair to one or both of them, and the merits of the non-sexual relationship will have to make up for the extreme rift. Perhaps they should just be friends (and *explicit* about it being friendship, or the tension just might ruin everything)
If you love a person you RESPECT them and don't force them to beg for a treat like a trained pet...
I mean really..any gals out there don;t like to have orgasms? I'm curious...
She was more willing to give up something for my sake, while, as a male, I was unwilling to give up making love, even if it was a health risk.
Fortunately, my health improved, but I was struck by my wife being willing to give up sex if it meant that I lived longer. It's not something I had ever even contemplated!
Or was she using that as a opportunity to stop having sex with you because she is no longer interested?