Several years ago I published a book called The Soul of Sex, based on the premise that in our society we are so obsessed with sex, not because we are too sexual, but because we are not sexual enough. The excessive and perhaps offensive sexuality you see on the Internet and in movies doesn't represent a highly sexed culture, but one that has gone through a childhood and adolescence of prudery. Its preoccupation with sex shows that it hasn't come to grips with its fear of whatever it is that sex represents.
A more psychological way of putting this is that the sexuality we so often we see displayed in the media is neurotic. It's an expression of the difficulty we have of honoring our sexuality and dealing with the prudish history that is part of our identity. Preoccupation with sex is a symptom of our failure to accept and fully appreciate our sexuality. We are always trying to give in to our sexual interests and at the same time preserve our innocence.
I fully believe that it's important to be innocent, but it's a matter of degree. As the years go by, life seems to chip away at our innocence. How could we be as naïve as we were in our early years? The events of life, especially sexual experiences, complicate our innocence and mature it. We remain innocent, but not nearly as purely as in previous years. As we grow older, we become more complicated, in a good way, mixing many competing values. Sex helps us grow up.
Why do we crave the sight of the human body? Why do men especially need to look at breasts and that part of the woman's body that not only has to do with intercourse but also with birth? It's a great mystery that probably shouldn't be explained, but I think we can say this much: Men have identified with the hero. We have to be adventurous, fight and conquer. We have no time for the mysteries of nature.
Fully occupied with their heroic quests, men haven't had an opportunity to consider the great deep mysteries of sex, life and death. But a woman's body forces us to consider them. We try to turn our eyes away from it, but we can't. Over and over again we want to see those objects that say so much about our sheer existence: breasts and vaginas, nurturance and continuing existence.
Beneath all the display of nipples and crotches lies a desperate search for self-understanding. Where do I really come from and where am I headed? Men devote their lives to achieving a position at work, a decent bank account and the reputation of responsibility, and yet, as we have seen so many times, they risk it all on the sight of a woman's body or an hour of foreplay.
Is there a solution to this tension that seems to affect every aspect of society from the Internet to politics and that threatens women with objectification and harassment? I see a possible solution in two directions.
First, we could become more reflective people and take seriously our need to meditate on the human condition. We need to pause in all our activity to ask ourselves who and what we are. We need religion and spirituality in a deep sense, as guides to asking the deepest and most important questions. Living from a deeper place, we might be able to deal with our sexuality more effectively.
Second, we need to allow ourselves to explore our sexual curiosity without guilt. Present a piece of pornography, and what do you get? Moralistic responses, for the most part. No thoughtful considerations. Few open-minded explorations into an obvious need.
We may need to expand our sexuality rather than contract it. I mean, we could more explicitly be erotic people, people interested in sexual matters, giving life a sheen of eroticism rather than covering over deep sexual interests with a puritan veneer. We could eroticize public life rather than make it appear too chaste. More thoughtful, artistically interesting sexual imagery might help. But the eroticism could be more subtle: signs of comfort, joy, pleasure and gratification at work and at home, in public life and in private.
Certainly, sex asks for a measure of privacy, but there is a difference between privacy and prudery. We should explore that difference and deal with our sexual preoccupations by going with the symptom, rather than against it. We could use our issues with sex as the starting point for a more luxurious, embodied, pleasurable and sensual society.
Follow Thomas Moore on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thomasmoore_nh
Joshua Rosenthal: Gratitude: The Secret to Happiness
Mariana Caplan, Ph.D.: The Problem with Zen Boyfriends
The pornography which exists in our culture is not sensual - it's mostly a matter of the bumping and grinding of grotesquely disproportionate body parts. It's pathetically superficial and lacking in nuance and very much from a man's pov - but not the pov of most real men, who still prefer to have some degree of emotional engagement with their partners. As I see it, the kind of emotional disengagement that is presented in pornography is presented as a sort of cultural ideal. Men who are erotic cannot be used quite as successfully or easily as money making cogs in the corporate machine. When men choose control over love and "screwing" over eros, they cut themselves off from their own need for tenderness and nurturing. Sex and the body become commodities which can be bartered whereas love cannot be bought or sold. Maybe people can even be convinced that love isn't real. I think the origin of violence lies in that nexus.
So, I do think that there is a moral dimension to the existence of pornography in our culture. I think it should be evaluated morally. I don't think I say that because I
Sagacious keys to find allegiance in and with one's own sexuality, while handing clues as to how to progress on this path of self-discovery and soul-discovery through intimacy.
A joy!
Thanks Thomas Moore for your work.
I am not sure if you have received my respond to your offer that I submitted two days ago. Thanks for your suggestions and offer to correspond. I would really appreciate the conversation. Not sure what is the best way to converse.
Mai
I'd also recommend Thomas's two other related books - "Soul Mates", "The Soul of Sex", and even his "The Re Enchantment of Everyday Life" (my favorite Thomas Moore book!) because I think it points to the kind of life we'd all lead if we let Venus hold more sway over our lives. I read it traveling through Europe and I came home and made many significant changes in my life: I started lighting candles at dinner time. I started taking better care of my car, which I had never done before, I set up a small shrine in my house to honor the house gods and goddesses, and I worked to stop cussing. Haven't done as well on that last one but the book illuminates a Venus driven life. Maybe that should be the title... "A Venus Driven Life!" to balance that dude in San Diego. As I point out to my right wing friends... The Nazis lived with great purpose in their lives.
To me, monogamy is not anathema to human nature, although a meaningful relationship of any kind does have to be flexible and imaginative to endure. That is possible, I believe, within a monogamous relationship between lovers.
I wonder if sex shouldn't be more (not less) myth-based, in the sense that myths can instruct us on how to live, and love, as thoughtful, caring individuals and partners.
I recommend The Soul of Sex, or Dark Eros, both by Thomas Moore, for those who are interesting in exploring the issues raised in this blog entry. Thank you, Thomas Moore for sharing your thoughts here.
Rob
Someone (I forget who) once defined pornography, as the need to posses the object. In our materialistic society, simply gazing at a naked human body and being in awe of one of nature's finest creations, doesn't seem to be enough.
Contemplating and valuing the profound and eternal as opposed to the ephemeral, just isn't on in the 21st century. We are obsessed with obtaining as much information as possible, while the enduring concepts of wisdom, art and beauty are as quaint as the Parthenon.
Ironically, I think we are each entitled to "have it all" if the "it" comes from the voice of our own true desire, and not from the self-imposed pressure derived from pop culture.
To be sure, even for a man who can appreciate the universal beauty reflected especially in every woman, it is sometimes hard to tell from whence his urges come.
The latest research in primatology and evolutionary psychology is that a sustainable intimate relationship is not only an oxymoron, but is unnatural, and at odds with our innate instincts. It has about as much chance of success as abstinence.
It really has little to do with who we are, or how well we are suited to our significant other. Neither monogamy nor pair-bonding works in the long run because it is a social fiction. The entire marriage model is wrong, which is why it continues to fail. No amount of counseling can undo our evolutionary heritage as discriminatingly promiscuous animals, much like our genetic cousins, the bonobos. Both females and males have multiple partners.
Obviously, if their hypothesis is correct, which will be the subject of much debate, our social mores do not fit with our nature, leaving us without a set of acceptable options - an untenable position, to say the least.
From my related research in the fields of nutrition and primary illness prevention, our models in those areas are also social constructs that are at odds with our heritage. A discussion and references can be found in "The Wellness Project."
Roy Mankovitz, Director
http://www.MontecitoWellness.com
A research organization
http://www.realsexadvice.com/