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1. The smile on other people’s faces when you reveal that you’re expecting. Seriously, it’s like even the smuggest assholes are programmed to celebrate the continuation of the human race or something.
2. Receiving excessive “likes” on social media for any bump related posts because building a baby makes you almost as popular as having an actual baby.
3. Being able to excuse any idiotic thing you say or do with a casual reference to “pregnancy brain.”
4. Citing uncontrollable hormones whenever you say or do something borderline bitchy and being forgiven readily as a result, no questions asked.
5. Asking your partner to fetch you stuff and watching, gleefully, as they obey without a second thought.
6. Repeat.
7. Saying “no” to doing stuff without offending anyone in the slightest because you’re sincerely exhausted. All. The. Time.
8. Canceling plans at the last minute because you feel like it without incurring judgment because you may or may not be feeling queasy and no one can argue against it because BABY.
9. The awesome go-to answer you have when someone asks what you’re up to: “Building a baby, among other things! And you?!”
10. If you don’t feel like going to the gym, the parasite inside your womb literally sucking all your energy dry is a legit excuse to skip working out without a trace of guilt.
11. Eating whatever you want, whenever the hell you want (Ice cream for breakfast—yes please! A Goldfish, mac and cheese medley at midnight? mmmmmm) because it’s perfectly natural to crave super weird things.
12. Getting accolades for stuffing your face even though you only need 300 additional calories per day because the whole “eating for two” thing is still a widely embraced assumption in most circles.
13. Snacking like a champion.
14. Napping like a queen.
15. Gaining weight rapidly without feeling at all bad about it (except when you do).
16. The ease with which you can guilt your significant other into on-demand massages.
17. Dressing comfortably (think flats and sweatpants daily) without minding dress codes or what’s seasonally appropriate or whatever.
18. Experiencing the man-magnet phenomenon of enhanced cleavage firsthand without even paying for fake breasts or undergoing surgery.
19. Looking like a mermaid because for whatever reason your hair stops falling out when you’re pregnant and it shines like crazy.
20. Never being hungover. Like, ever.
21. Always getting actual sleep instead of that whack half-sleep stuff you get after passing out drunk.
22. Being able to make fun of drunk people without them even realizing it since you’re sober and astute pretty much always.
23. Brainstorming baby names—and ruling out any that bear negative associations (like Samantha, that bitch who stole your boyfriend in the 6th grade, and Carolina, that girl who breezed right through puberty without going through an awkward phase).
24. Letting your ego run wild as you imagine what kind of human will pop out of your vagina. He or she will be kind! And courageous! And charming! And basketball star tall! A Pulitzer Prize Winning Olympian! With a heart of mother fucking gold!
25. Keeping a mental list of all the traits you hope your baby will inherit from you and your partner (and those you’d really rather they didn’t).
26. That first adorable onesie ad that populates your social feeds because the Internet knows you’re knocked up way before you break the news to friends and family.
27. Using fruits as a metric to keep track of how big your fetus is (blueberry, peach, kiwi, etc.).
28. Letting people be super duper nice to you for no reason other than you’re hosting a human parasite.
29. Smiling dutifully when any man suggests how “privileged” you are to be experiencing the “miracle of life.” And then giving him the finger as soon as he’s out of sight.
30. Realizing just how fucking amazing the female body is—and how relatively useless guys are by comparison.