The quaint idea of a liberal arts education that creates a well-rounded individual who can navigate work, social and recreational life with style and erudition is outmoded. People no longer discuss Herodotus at cocktail parties. Nor do they question morality or existence. Generally people browse the Internet and buy stuff.
In response to societal changes, we have developed our new Bachelor of Arts in Successful Living to answer the needs of current college students. The BA is a demonstration in itself that a University education can indeed still be useful. Join us in admiring our latest catalog of classes:
Your post-graduate life will start with student loan paperwork and credit card applications. From there you'll go on to job applications, car loans, medical insurance forms and, of course, your annual taxes. Once you have those mastered, you'll probably lose your job. Unemployment forms, periodic Medicaid applications, food stamps (State Nutrition), scholarships and financial aid for your kids are all covered in our course offerings. In these intensive classes you'll learn the basics of filling out forms, paper versus website forms and when to hire an expert. We'll answer questions like how honest should you be, when is a form just too damn daunting, how to actually begin (and finish) forms, and whether to drink three or four beers while completing forms.
It'll happen soon after you graduate. You'll get ripped off by a used-car salesman or someone will claim to have your baby. Problems easily solved if you have one lawyer friend who's willing to make a threatening phone call. We teach you how to find and utilize such a friend. (credit: POO/AFP/Getty Images)
Our most challenging major, in this series of classes you will learn how to operate a Smart Phone so effectively you'll almost think that the device was worth the money.
Sometimes even we think it's impossible. That's why we've hired the most prestigious physicists and mathematicians to lead our cadre of iTunes professors. You won't find better instruction anywhere. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
The techniques you'll learn will help you navigate the waters of marriage, Wal*Mart and the DMV. Replaces our Psychology major.
We don't call it clipping anymore. Our expert coupon professors will show you how to find "coupons" on the internet, how to avoid excessive spending on "discount" items, and how to avoid obsession. The class culminates in a group project where you'll decorate an entire room for less than $1,000.
It's not as simple as putting bullet-points up on a screen and then reading them to an audience (yawn). We introduce the concepts of client-entertainment, martini lunches, motivational seminars and Chuck-E-Cheese's for adults. Corporate boondoggles and holiday parties aren't insignificant; they are the essential building blocks of our economy. This class is taught by our Marketing and Economics professors, who are experienced real-life professionals.
Avoid showering and shaving as you live your entire life through electronic media.* You'll learn how to keep your "friends" by not being boring ("I watered the lawn again today"), not being coy ("I'm feeling . . .??") and not complaining too much on the internet (especially about your "job"). We cover FaceBook, Twitter, and all those other things. #nevergooutside * you'll find that even trips to the grocery store can be eliminated AFP PHOTO/Manjunath KIRAN/FILES
While we don't promise that you'll eliminate spam (the computer kind), at least you'll be an expert at identifying and avoiding it. (Photo by Carlo Allegri/Getty Images)
None of our students has ever changed a tire or even put oil in a car. Learn how to maintain a state of automotive ignorance by taking advantage of the Automobile Club's various offerings. Like the tendrils of an invasive plant, the Automobile Club has penetrated our lives in many ways: maps, hotels, coupons & discounts, insurance, advice, economic analysis of gas prices on NPR, automotive crisis prevention, automotive crisis resolution. Relinquish control to the Club! (Photo by Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images)
(Replaces "How to Not Patronize Craigslist") - We've given in to demand and now offer this course in the unavoidable Craigslist. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)
If you suspect your unpaid internship will be a series of frustrations with paper jams, toner cartridges, USB ports, inexplicable electronic errors, mysterious black lines across your documents, stapler malfunctions and a lack of paper because the other unpaid intern forgot to order it, you're right! In this course our professors train you in the skills necessary to handle these real-life, possibly-income-making-sometime-in-the-future tasks.
Evolution, Interpretation, Promotion, Artistic Vision and What Channel They're On. Now a BA in our Sociology Department. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)
Yeah, right! Only if you're going to be interviewed on television. Which might happen after you take our next class: (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)
It's usually a matter of tone and confidence rather than content. Then you'll have to be prepared to discuss it on TV. We'll show you how. AFP PHOTO/Karen BLEIER
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