Ninety-seven percent of the world is hopelessly addicted to Candy Crush, and yet nobody wants to eat its candies.
Of all the sugary treats, the makers of Candy Crush seem to have purposely picked the worst examples. Maybe that's because they knew that if their game consisted of a board full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, nobody would dare crush them. Which means no one would spend money on extra lives or boosters to crush them more effectively. And then the stock market would crash.
Advanced macroeconomics aside, there's still the question: if you could open up your iPad and dump them out, what exactly would these candies taste like? Here's my breakdown:
Green Squares: These look like the things that've sat in a bowl in every grandmother's house since the time they became a grandmother, and were issued them by some Grandmother Candy Service. They're essentially there just to scare you into thinking grandmothers only have crappy candy, so you don't go snooping around for their good stuff.
Theoretical Deliciousness Rating: 1
Red Curvy Things: These are one of the few truly recognizable candies in the whole game. They're Hot Tamales! Except... wait, they're not, because Hot Tamales are straight, and these have that little curve to them. So basically, they're banana Runts cross-bred with Hot Tamales. How is this even possible?! It's hard enough to convince real-life candies to have sex and then have candy children, let alone iPhone candies. And yet here they are.
Theoretical Deliciousness Rating: 3, mainly due to the banana Runt-ness.
Yellow Egg Things: Are these maybe some sort of cool, seasonal, yellow version of Cadbury Creme Eggs that come out around whatever holiday is represented by yellow? What holiday is that? Turns out no holiday, as when you Google "yellow holiday", the Holiday, FL Yellow Pages are basically all the results.
Theoretical Deliciousness Rating: Anywhere from 2 (if hard) to 7.5 (if Cadbury-ish).
Blue Circle with Ring Things: These are kinda cool because, when the game recommends you line them up and they pulsate, that little ring makes them look like Neptune on some NOVA animation from the '80s. In other news, no matter how tempting it is, don't you dare line them up. Literally every other move is a better move and the game is trying to trick you into giving it all your heirloom 99-cent pieces for more lives.
Theoretical Deliciousness Rating: 6.5, mainly because eating planets is dope and makes you feel powerful.
Purple Multi Circle Things: These win points for being the one base Candy Crush candy that's definitely a chewy candy, maybe. Get ready for more candy banging: if Jujubes combined with an alien life form and had children, those children would hatch from these. So you'd better eat them before they make a crappy prequel out of it starring Stringer Bell and an admittedly very good Michael Fassbender.
Theoretical Deliciousness Rating: 6.5. So pretty tasty, although if the alien thing is true, they likely feel the same way about you.
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