10/03/2013 08:29 am ET Updated Dec 03, 2013

News Flash: Your Favorite Pumpkin Drinks Aren't Actually That Pumpkin-y, or Great


Americans spend $4 trillion a year on pumpkin-spiced drinks at coffee shops. That number is completely made up, but it might be right, since Americans are out-of-their-gourds in love with that tart orange beast. Sorry Charlie (Brown), but there's nothing great about them. Except for maybe when you combine them with beer.

We now present six of the most popular and/or interesting iterations of the pumpkin drink, and break down exactly which are worth your hard-earned dollars that could otherwise be spent on One Tree Hill DVDs, which, much like some of these, contain zero actual pumpkin.

Pumpkin Drink: Einstein Bros. Pumpkin Latte
What Exactly Is In It? Espresso, steamed milk, and "pumpkin sauce we have a tub of in the back," according to an Einstein Bros employee.
How Close Does It Get To Tasting Like Pumpkin? On a scale of one to pumpkin, this is pumpkinish! See the bowl of baby food-looking stuff on the side? That's actual, 100 percent pumpkin we tasted before and after drinking this, and every other pumpkin beverage.
Is It Worth Your Money? It's not horrible, and it had a fairly pleasant aftertaste. But is it worth $3.99? No. Or, expressed another way: E = MC squaredon'twasteyourmoney.

Pumpkin Drink: Caribou Coffee Pumpkin White Chocolate Mocha
What Exactly Is In It? A white chocolate mocha "infused with the delicious essence of pumpkin."
How Close Does It Get To Tasting Like Pumpkin? On a scale of one to pumpkin, this tastes like minus four pumpkins. It tastes like broken dreams covered in sugar and white chocolate. When your grandkids are born, they too will have memories of the waking terror you encountered when sipping this hot travesty. Oh, and a 12oz cup has 47g of sugar.
Is It Worth Your Money? Ummmmm... No. No. No. No. Take the $3.99 and donate it to the American Diabetes Association.

Pumpkin Drink: Red Robin Pumpkin Pie Shake
What Exactly Is In It? Pumpkin, soft-serve vanilla ice cream, graham cracker crumbs, milk
How Close Does It Get To Tasting Like Pumpkin? On a scale of one to pumpkin, this is extremely pumpkiny, likely due to the actual pumpkin in the drink. What a concept! Real pumpkin in a pumpkin drink!
Is It Worth Your Money? This shake is refreshing, and will put you in the frame of mind of a cool fall day, playing backyard football with your brothers while your parents fight in the house about whether your Aunt Vicky really stole three expensive antique place settings. So in short, yes!

See the pumpkin scale ratings for Starbucks, McDonalds, and Dunkin' Donuts pumpkin drinks, all in the full story on!

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