Whether you want to admit or not, you are inevitably going to end up at someone's house watching the Super Bowl amidst a bevy of snacks, booze, and other people. And that can be totally great, unless one of these people shows up:
The obsessive tweeter
Only interested in watching enough of the game to post a bunch of #HotSportsTakes in the hopes one will get RT'd by Colin Cowherd or something. #phonesmash
Shows up with nothing. Consumes the most of everything. Leaves wearing your nice dress shirt.
The guy who's actually going to the Super Bowl
He's not at the party. But you can still hate him. And his trust fund.
The compulsive gambler
No, I'm not going to lend you money for 2nd half prop bets. I don't even know how to "wire money." And please, stop crying.
The guy constantly updating you on his squares pool
"All I need is for Seattle to get back-to-back safeties before the half and I'm GOLDEN!"
The walking "Around the Horn" analyst
Insists on trying out one-liners all game long. Is somehow less funny than Woody Paige. Just kidding, of course. NO ONE is less funny than Woody Paige.
The guy who played DIII college football
Yes, we're sure your stint as a third-string punter at Williams has made you an authority on how Seattle should deploy the zone read.
The girl who talks through the whole game, insists on silence during commercials
Yes, you've mentioned the commercials are your favorite. Not everyone agrees.
The view obstructer
You don't even seem to have an agenda. You're just meandering in front of the TV. Did someone hypnotize you?
The clandestine farter
He (or she?!) is everywhere. And terrifying. With unfettered access to bean dip.
The guy who won't stop yelling "Omaha!"
It was funny the first... actually, no. It was never, ever funny.
The seat stealer
Sometimes a man needs to use the bathroom. And don't tell me he didn't call "fives" or something. What are you, 13? Oh crap, YOU ARE?
There's still plenty of other people you'll run into at the party, including "the commercial critic", "the guy no one really knows", and "the one person who is really, really excited about the halftime show", and they're all in the full story on Thrillist.com!