The New England States, Ranked By An Impartial Midwesterner

The New England States, Ranked By An Impartial Midwesterner
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What do you think about when you hear the words "New England"? Lobster rolls? Funny accents? Baaahstin? Not much else? Yeah, me too. Which is why a trip to all six of the New England states this summer was as educational as it was fun. As a native Midwesterner, New England felt familiar in a lot of ways and completely foreign in others.

And since each state had its own distinctive personality (despite kinda being cut from the same Puritan/colonial cloth, no?), I thought, what better way to make sense of it all than by ranking them based purely on the feeling I -- an impartial Midwesterner -- got while touring around each. Obviously, you're welcome to disabuse me of my snap judgments in the comments below. Thanks.

Anyway, here we go...

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6. Connecticut
"Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states," say Redditors pondering the question: "If each of the 50 states were a person at a bar, what are they doing and what are they drinking?" Honestly, that pretty much sums it up, other than to say Connecticut is THE WORST. So smug. Sure, New Haven has its charm -- a little place you might have heard of named Yale has been called "an outdoor museum of architecture" by the New York Times (legit!) -- but as far as "city life" goes, it leaves a lot to be desired. Perhaps, Hartford is better? Stamford? Bridgeport? Never mind. But New Haven did have really good pizza! Not as good as Detroit's, but way better than Chicago's! And the Connecticut coast is beautiful.

5. Vermont
Vermonters are kind of jerks about their beer. Like, we GET it, you're proud of your local suds. And you should be! They're delicious! But give it a rest already. Don't be like this guy and claim that seven of the 13 best beers in North America come out of Vermont. They do not. Stop with the West Coast envy, it's embarrassing.

Vermont is most definitely cheese country, which is a big plus (it's basically the next best state after Wisconsin) BUT... it's also the only New England state without an ocean shoreline (yes, I know about Lake Champlain, and I get the irony of a Midwesterner complaining about having no ocean). Still, I'm comparing it to the other New England states. Of which it's also the least populous, with eight times the land of Rhode Island but 60% fewer people.

The state is stunningly beautiful and equally stunningly remote, making it basically a whole entire state of "up North." Which is nice! Except that there's a reason we Midwesterners vacation up North and then head back to our cities. Also, everyone has guns; granted they seem to be more for hunting than for flaunting one's constitutionally protected rights (*cough* New Hampshire *cough*), but it's still a lot of heat.

4. Rhode Island
Of all the New England states, Rhode Island feels the most Midwestern; and that's probably because the Ocean State, like so many Rust Belt cities (Detroit, Cleveland) is redefining itself in a "post-manufacturing economy" -- a polite way to refer to decades of decline. The evidence is everywhere, a lot of blight. Yet, there is a palpable energy here, a "grittiness" (ugh, that word, but still) that persists and makes Providence a pretty special place to see and experience.

Just take a look at the WaterFire sculpture by Barnaby Evans, featuring over 80 bonfires installed on the Downtown's three rivers. Plus there's The Dean, a hipster hotel with a hipster coffee bar and hipster beer hall and hipster karaoke; people keep yammering about how it's one of America's most underrated food cities; also, the city may steal the Triple-A PawSox from nearby Pawtucket; and the rent is WAY cheaper than Boston, which means it is only a matter of time before Providence is anointed as the next "new Brooklyn."

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