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Conservative Legislator Proposes "White Right to Stand Your Ground Act"

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Conservative Republican Representative Guy B. White announced today the introduction of bill designed to "strengthen and clarify the right of Normal Americans to stand their ground."

In a press conference earlier today, Representative White declared that "'Stand Your Ground' is a model for public safety and the preservation of freedom." "The only problem," according to Mr. White, is that the controversial law does not go far enough. "We need more Stand Your Ground, not less!"

The proposed law -- The White Right to Stand Your Ground Act -- would "expand and clarify" the definition of a person's "ground" to include his entire "comfort zone." The law would define any behavior that makes a "Normal American" feel unsafe or "uncomfortable" to be an attack on his "Constitutionally Protected Ground." "Normal Americans have been victimized by dangerous seeming people and cultures for too long," according to Representative White. "The historical record is clear on this."

The White Act would, in Mr. White's words, "place greater emphasis on the individual enforcement of individual rights. I do not believe that the nanny state and its liberal enablers in Washington have a right to tell Normal Americans who they can and cannot shoot. That's government over-reach."

"I trust the judgment of the American People," Mr. White continued. "If someone makes a Normal American feel unsafe then there is definitely a very good reason. I believe that Americans should have the freedom to use a firearm when they believe it is called for. That's what the Second Amendment is all about: freedom! It's like James Madison said: If God didn't want us to protect our property and our families from outsiders who seem threatening or uppity, then why did He give us guns?"

When asked if he is worried that people might abuse this less restrictive law, Mr. White was adamant: "Absolutely not! The historical record shows that my deep confidence in the judgment of American gun owners is well founded."

Liberal critics of the law worry that the White Act would encourage violence against people of color and others who might be targeted by overly zealous gun owners. "Not at all!" Mr. White said. "People -- whether black, brown, yellow, purple or whatever -- are free to do or say whatever they want. They can wear hoodies. They can even listen to rap music if they want. This is America! But they are not free to make normal Americans feel unsafe. This law will simply allow a Normal American to respond with force if they encounter a truly threatening person: an urban gang-type person; a hostile seeming Muslim type person, or maybe a predatory-looking homosexual. That's what Jefferson and General Lee and the other founding fathers were talking about. That's why our brave servicemen risk their lives. In the end, this is about freedom. This is about community. This is about the Constitution."

Representative White became testy when he was challenged to specify which constitutional amendment protected a US citizen's "comfort zone": "With all due respect, Honey, get yourself a copy of the constitution and read it. Get yourself a history book! I don't have time to educate the lame-stream media about the Constitution."

Mr. White admitted to having two concerns about the bill. "First, we need to make sure that this law is not misinterpreted in a way that will allow angry Afro-Americans to use violence against Normal Americans, and then claim that they find our behavior 'threatening.' This law is meant to protect Normal Americans. We do not want Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Eric Holder to twist this law so as to promote reverse racism. That would violate the spirit of the 13th amendment. President Lincoln and Dr. King would roll over in their graves."

"My second concern is that the Left will find some way to make this about race."