THE BLOG
02/21/2013 08:02 am ET Updated Apr 23, 2013

A Job-Seekers Guide to Employment in the Star Wars Universe

In the off chance that you ever find yourself in a galaxy far, far away and in search of a decent job, I've compiled this list to help you figure out which profession might be best for you.

1. Stormtrooper

What the stormtrooping life seems to offer is job security and an incredibly low turnover rate (but only because I assume everyone is too afraid to give Darth Vader their two week's notice).

It looks like the major downside would be the mortality rate, which appears to be pretty damn high. The standard issue armor doesn't seem to hold up very well against laser gun blasts. Or really anything for that matter (see: Ewok attacks).

If you want to avoid any real danger, I would recommend applying for some sort of behind-the-scenes technical work, something like the IT guy for the Death Star laser (my catchphrase, which I would say every time I fixed it, would be, "You're damn right it's operational!").

If the Empire actually succeeded in taking over the galaxy, the job would be pretty laid back. Work would likely consist of just hanging out on the Death Star, maybe playing some league ball with some buds in the Death Gym, and blowing up the occasional planet.

If you don't have any qualms about working for an evil corporation hell-bent on complete galactic domination, being a stormtrooper definitely has its rewards.

2. Bounty Hunter

Intergalactic bounty hunting is a risky business. Not only are bounty hunters in constant danger, but they also have an exceptionally unreliable income. So if you want to be a bounty hunter, you need to be very self-motivated. You'll be required to jump from job to job all in search of that glorious ransom (a lot like a freelance writer...but with more murder). So depending upon the type of person you are, this could be either a good thing or a bad thing.

Still, there's no question that the job offers its fair share of thrills and excitement. You're living life on the edge. And if you're Boba Fett, you're sometimes quite literally living life on the edge. Of a Sarlacc Pit. Which brings me to my next point.

Bounty hunters die like bitches. Sure, this may be a blanket statement, but if you are considering becoming a bounty hunter in the Star Wars universe, be prepared to die like a complete bitch. Boba Fett died like one. Jango Fett died like one (he got his head chopped off). One could argue that decapitation is not a bitch way to die, but I don't know. The badassery of decapitation is mostly on the side of the decapitator. Not the decapitatee.

However, you could avoid dying like a bitch while still enjoying a similarly thrilling lifestyle by becoming a smuggler. Han Solo seemed to lead a pretty exciting life as one. And I think we can safely assume that Han Solo did not die like a bitch.

3. Tusken Raider

This is the kind of job you might want to consider if you:

a) Lack morals.
b) Enjoy whooping and hollering while holding guns above your head.
c) Like to spend your free time attempting to ruin sporting events (specifically pod races).

4. Jedi

The perks of being a Jedi are incredibly numerous. Most importantly, you have the Force. You can read minds and move stuff without lifting a finger. So, if you got sick of the Jedi business, you could make some money as a magician. Or you could easily get a job as a piano mover. Or something. (By the way, Episode VII should definitely be titled The Perks of Being a Jedi.)

However, I'm not sure if "Jedi" can even be included on a list of professions. They have no apparent income. At the very least, they rarely seem to spend money on anything (selling them death sticks for example, is quite difficult).

Actual job or not, there's an obvious downside to being a Jedi: no love. You swear an oath to celibacy. And emotions in general are highly discouraged, since they all seem to lead to the Dark Side by way of the "fear leads to anger" formula (or as I like to call it, the "Transitive Property of the Force"). You're essentially a priest. With a lightsaber. And a license to kill.

Actually, that still sounds pretty cool. I highly suggest becoming a Jedi. Seems like a pretty grueling application process though. And there's a good chance you already missed the deadline if you're over the age of eight.

5. Sith

If you've always identified less with the Jedi's "defense wins championships" mindset and more with the maxim, "Defense is lame. Let's kill children," then you may want to consider a line of work as a Sith lord.

As a member of the Sith, you will still have the Force just like a Jedi. But instead of using it to do things like slice apples in mid-air, you'll be using it much more often to choke incompetent henchmen and hurtle giant metal objects at people. Again, whether this is either a negative or a positive depends on the type of person you are.

Then there is the major downside: Since this is Star Wars, you will be living in a universe where evil always fails in the end. You'll win some battles. In fact, you will win most battles. It will appear that, overall, things are working in your favor. But, don't let that fool you. You have a 100% chance of losing in the end.

But perhaps that doesn't bother you. And if so, by all means, become a Sith. You will certainly have fun while it lasts. If the Star Wars universe had Twitter, the Sith would end nearly all of their tweets with #YOLO.

6. Rebel Fleet Pilot

Do you work well in a team? Do you enjoy being the underdog? Do you have generally negative feelings toward evil? Do you look good in orange? Do you enjoy taking on near impossible challenges that, in hindsight, would be described as borderline reckless? If you answered "Yes, sir!" to any or all of these questions, then suit up. You're just the guy the Rebel Fleet needs.

Here are a few of the perks:

  1. You get a sweet-looking headset that you can use to say cool encouraging phrases to your fellow pilots, such as, "Nice shot, Red 2!" "I'm going in!" and "Aaah! I'm hit!" (that last one may not be very encouraging).
  2. You'll be invited to any celebratory Ewok parties (and trust me: Ewok parties get pretttyyyyy crazy.)
  3. The chicks, man. The chicks.*

* Just kidding. You will never get laid. There are zero women anywhere (FYI: this actually applies to all professions, unless you are Han Solo. In which case, you will never not get laid. You have the facial features of a god and ridiculous game.)

And here are a few of the drawbacks:

  1. Unless you are Luke Skywalker, your death, although tragic, will be of very little overall importance.
  2. Naturally, you'll have to watch some good friends die in combat, and perhaps even more than usual. Because ever since Luke's destruction of the Death Star, other pilots have been trying to imitate his legendary "No Targeting Computer" method. The death toll continues to climb.

7. Human Cyborg Relations

Although you technically have to be a droid to be qualified for this, you might have a chance at getting hired if you are:

  1. Fluent in over six million forms of communication.
  2. Inclined to tell people the odds, despite their objections.
  3. A total cockblock.

8. Other / Miscellaneous

If none of these professions appeal to you, don't fret. The Star Wars universe is vast and expansive. The job possibilities are infinite. There might be a potential career for you that isn't shown in the films. There must be a place somewhere in the galaxy for even the most mundane and normal jobs. You could be a fisherman, for example. Just remember though, Star Wars rules apply to all professions. So don't go bragging to your friends about the giant fish you just caught. There's always a bigger fish*

*RIP QGJ*

*That should definitely be on a T-shirt

Read more of Tim's writing here.

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