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65 Million Reasons Why I'm Going to See Jurassic Park in Theaters

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Jurassic Park should have just stayed in theaters permanently. If I had been older than three in 1993, I would have run for office on that platform. "Citizens. I believe that our lives, our community, and our nation will be significantly improved if we all can, at any time, day or night, go watch a Tyrannosaurus Rex terrorize two children in an overturned jeep." (Applause.)

Lucky for us, all our lives are about to be significantly improved, at least for a little while. For those of you who didn't know, Jurassic Park, the Jurassic Park, the movie that made you believe for two joyous hours that dinosaurs could maybe, just maybe come back to life, that movie -- is getting re-released...in IMAX 3D. If you didn't already know that, I hope you weren't wearing your good underwear. They aren't so good any more, are they? (Indeed, I am implying that you have pooped in them).

So in anticipation of the re-release, I've compiled a list of the things I'm most excited to see on the big screen. By the way, I'm not really going to list 65 million reasons. It's closer to eight. (It's eight.)

I begin with the obvious:

Reason #1: Dinosaurs

Seriously. The camera was invented for one reason and one reason only: to film dinosaurs. Yes, I realize that they were already extinct by the time of the camera's invention, but I actually did some research and found the original patent for the camera. There is some interesting fine print at the bottom right.

2013-03-28-dinos.png

That's because watching dinosaurs doing literally anything is simply the best. It's better than all the rest. And watching dinosaurs kill stuff is even more best. In fact, the only reason I'm glad dinosaurs are extinct is because they would kill me and I wouldn't be able to watch them continue to kill me.

Reason #2: Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Goldblum is such a badass in Jurassic Park it is borderline ridiculous. I bet the amount of mathematicians that have gotten laid because of Jeff Goldblum is so astonishing that such a number could only be calculated by a mathematician as amazing as Dr. Ian Malcolm himself. Dr. Ian Malcolm is math. The mathematician community should have instigated a mandatory uniform policy after the movie came out. "From here on out, all mathematicians are required to wear a leather jacket and a pair of tinted glasses at all times. We have evidence to suggest that doing so would make us all appear way, way cooler." - The President of Math, 1993.

Reason #3: Velociraptors

I already mentioned dinosaurs, but I think velociraptors deserve their own category. They are the perfect combination: lethal and cunning. They're fast. They can jump. They can open doors. Have you ever been more terrified of something for being able to open a door? It is also thanks to velociraptors that I will never turn around if Samuel L. Jackson puts his hand on my shoulder from behind me. He should have focused less on holding onto his butt and focused more on holding onto his left arm.

Reason #4: John Williams

I can't wait to hear John William's sweeping, magical score fill up my eardrums the first time we see those brachiosaurs. I think that as a token of our appreciation for his tremendous contributions to the field, we should all make John Williams an honorary dinosaur. The next dinosaur discovered should be called, out of sheer respect, a Johnwilliamsaurus.

Reason #5: Timmy

The kid who is obsessed with dinosaurs is named Timmy. I'm obsessed with dinosaurs. My name also happens to be Timmy. The amount of identification I have with this character is through the roof. I realize that this is more of a personal tidbit and all you non-Timmys out there might not relate, but let me enjoy my moment. There are very few times when having the name Timmy is a good thing.

Reason #6: That fat kid

Nothing is more pleasing than seeing some bratty fat kid compare a velociraptor to an "oversized chicken" and then see Dr. Grant tear into him like a...well, like a velociraptor apparently would. I wish there was a deleted scene where that kid just randomly shows up on the island and immediately gets his head sliced off by a raptor. Wearing a giant chicken suit.

Reason #7: Wayne Knight

Wayne Knight's character is absolutely perfect. The plot didn't really need another antagonist, since it already had all the dinosaurs. It just needed a gigantic douche to mess stuff up. And Wayne Knight filled that role splendidly. He also might have the greatest death scream of all time - when he's in the jeep and the dilophosaurus starts eating him. You can hear it in your head right now, can't you? "Aaah! Aaaaahh!" It's something like that. On a side note, whenever I see a fat man wearing a yellow raincoat, I'm tempted to throw black tar-like venom in his face, dilophosaurus-style. Unfortunately, black tar-like venom is hard to come by these days.

Reason #8: Steven Spielberg

If I can get serious for a moment here, none of this excitement would be so palpable if it wasn't for Mr. Spielberg's incredible direction. Any other director might have turned Michael Crichton's book into something merely mediocre. But homie don't play like that.

The scene with the jeeps in the rain that starts with the cup of water rippling, the kids noticing the goat is gone, the electric fence cables snapping, then the poor little goat's severed leg suddenly smacking onto the windshield, and finally the appearance of the T. Rex - that could very well be the most thrilling few minutes in the history of cinema. That scene is no joke, the highest form of art in my eyes. Remember when the girl shines her flashlight in the T.Rex's eye and its pupil dilates? When Spielberg came up with that idea on set, did everyone just crap their pants from awesomeness overload?

Look. I probably could write 65 millions reasons why I'm excited for Jurassic Park in theaters, but after a while, words fail to accurately describe my feelings. The only thing one can really do is watch it. And if, for whatever reason, you are unable to get to a theater on April 5, do not fret. I'm sure that if you are a true Jurassic Park fan, then like life, you will uh..uh..find a way.