To the American Association of Retired Persons and Whom It May Concern,
On February 6 of this year, I turned 50, making me eligible for membership in the AARP. This has put me in somewhat of a complicated or awkward situation.
Since then, I've talked to friends and fans and a representative of the AARP. I've looked over membership benefits on the website and read a brochure about the AARP Visa Card. I've even flipped through a copy of the AARP magazine.
For the record, I would not begrudge anyone for seeking membership in this organization. Neither I nor anyone in my camp has made any requests or demands of the AARP. It's their organization, not mine. If it were mine, I'd include more discounts on things like snakeskin belts and hair plug treatments. And I would put all AARP dues towards pursuing a scientific breakthrough in the area of time travel.
That said, I won't be seeking membership in the AARP and I respectfully decline any future mailings from your organization. Please take me off your mailing list.
I strongly suggest that we all just forget that I'm 50 years old. Plus, I'm not retired! Did I look retired when I rocked the LA Forum last year? Furthermore, please know that no one is authorized nor may anyone be permitted to accept my AARP membership for me or speak on my behalf on issues related to retired persons.
This decision is personal. This letter is to help clarify things from my and my camp's perspective. Neither is meant to offend, attack or condemn. Though unfortunately I'm sure there will be those who take offense (God knows how long I'll have to contend with the fallout). I certainly don't intend to disappoint anyone, especially the fine retired people of America, with this decision.
There's a seemingly endless amount of revisionism and fantasies out there for the sake of self-promotion and business opportunities masking the actual realities. Yes, I wouldn't mind getting a discount at Dunkin' Donuts or Teleflora from time to time. And AARP travel benefits are first rate. But at what cost? My non-retiredness? I say let sleeping dogs lie or lying dogs sleep or whatever. I'm not retired. Period.
But hey if ya gotta then maybe we can get the "grandstanding, publicity stunt, disrespectful, he doesn't care about securing affordable group rate health insurance" crap out of the way as quickly as we can and let's move on.
In closing, regardless of this decision and as hard to believe or as ironic as it may seem since I am nowhere near retired, I wish the AARP all the best. And if you could tell the editor of your magazine that I'm available for interviews to promote upcoming gigs, I'd appreciate it.