What are the odds that I would be placed in a position to live tweet more terrible relationship activities mere weeks after being witness to the worst first date of all time?
Slim to none, right? Well, I must have been a really good, yet nosy boy this year, because I was in a position once again to live tweet someone else's terrible situation and didn't pass that opportunity up.
I initially thought that this was a horrifically boring first date between two model looking people, but, out of the blue came break-up talk. What ended up happening was a back-and-forth 'end of a relationship' chat where the guy was a jerk and the woman put him in his place. He makes a poor effort to preserve his dignity, but it's a fail. SPOILER ALERT: He loses in the end.
And without further adieu, I present to you, the live tweets of a hot couple breaking up.
I probably should have been unbiased, but it seemed like the guy, who looked like an Abercrombie ad, was at fault, so I immediately sided with the woman, who verbally put boots to asses on this guy.
For Reference Here they are. I had to ugly them down with my face for legal purposes, but they only went from like 9's to 8.5's... cough:
If you vote Team Guy, and I don't know why you would, I would recommend this as your reading background music:
If you vote Team Girl, I would recommend this:
Does it get any more boring on a date than hearing the step-by-step process by which someone received their passport?
I wont live tweet a bad date again, I WONT Live tweet a bad date again... Oh dammit...
Guy to Girl, "I feel like the protagonist in most children's books wears red in a sea of gray." #deepthoughts
I feel like the goal of this date is to bore the other person to sleep. LOOOOONG Periods of silence and staring.
Guy to Girl after long period of silence, "I watched Harry Potter Twice this weekend, Friday Night and Last Night" #winning
Girl to Guy, "I had a dance party Friday Night at 3am by myself."#matchmadeinheaven
Why an alone-time dance party on Friday Night you ask? "I was supposed to go bowling, but my friends were sick"#ithoughtmylifesucked
Oh no. This is a BREAK UP.... NOT A FIRST DATE! "I don't know if you and I are ready for each other for the long term." Guy to Girl
I just want to point out that Daily Grind in Fells Point is a fantastic coffee shop to not break up in.
"I just think it's ridiculous that you are telling me you bought me a Christmas Gift when you know we're broken up" Girl to Guy
"Thanks for making plans for us when we are broken up... that's really F****n nice... we don't even text." Girl to Guy #livetweet #breakup
These people who are breaking up are like 300x more attractive than me.
"I just wasn't sure what we should do." -Guy "This conversation is basically bullshit at this point." -Girl #Boom
"I dont want to be with a person who is disrespectful to me" -Girl This woman needed to talk to the Live First Date Tweet Woman #winning
"You really need to think before you talk. I called you and you asked me 'Do You Wanna Talk?' Of Course Idiot! " -Girl #LayingtheSmackDown.
If she finds out I'm live tweeting her break up, She's going to snap my neck. I'm all about her standing up for herself.
So, without giving details...the guy would mock her and come down in front of her in front of her friends and family.
Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. Male Abercrombie models are assholes. Stick with normal guys.
Now the guy is struggling to come up with excuses as to why he was upset at her. She's smacking him to hell.
"You have to think about the other person. You're all about yourself." -Girl to Guy I feel like I've been told the same thing #shame
"One sorries, Two sorries, however many sorries. I've had enough." -Girl She needs to stomp out now to finish this, but she's too nice.
Sorries is the plural of Sorry. And if not, it is now. Don't correct me.
"I was just putting myself out there and you walked all over me" -Girl She needs to walk out on top. Leave Now! You've got this!
"Not that I thought this would turn into something, but these are the things I think about. You're not the only one here." -Girl #winning
"If this doesnt feel right for me, then I guess it wont work." -Guy who apparently isn't following my concise tweets from the girl.
"I want to tell you everything's gonna be ok, but it's not." -Guy Duh dude. Live Tweeting the Break Up.
"I like making other people happy, you dont." -Girl. Keeps digging that knife in.
"I accommodate your schedule, I make you fucking dinner, Im nice to your friends, I try to be nice, I try to come to your stuff." -Girl
"I try to come to your stuff too" -Guy "You don't though, because you shut off to me" -Girl #Ineedtomeetastrongwomanlikethis
"You stare at me blankly half the time, like I'm speaking crazy talk...even in front of your friends." -Girl
How many times can a woman hear the old "I can be better," line from a guy?
"I have your navigation system, I can give it back to you." -Guy "I don't need it" -Girl "What if you're walking around the city?" #idiot
Who says 'navigation' instead of GPS? Abercrombie models use classier words than me.
Silence befalls the table adjacent to mine. The Abercrombie looking guy stares blankly at his now ex-gf and ponders his next pose. #letigre
Post-Silence: "Alright, well let's meet up...in like a day" -Guy WHAT????!?!?!?
"This sucks" -Guy Sometimes it takes watching a douchebag lose a good woman to realize how much of a douchebag you are. #introspection
Right.... but I'm still going to keep live tweeting this awkward moment champ.
"My mom is going to be upset." -Guy "I'm just telling you there aren't girls like me in this city" -Girl...WHO IS CORRECT. #uglybaltimore
She brought Christmas gifts for his family too? Jeebus she's a nice person.... well today... She might kill babies when not dumping people
Have to go to the bathroom. Going to ask them to watch my stuff for me...and try not to laugh while doing it.
They did a good job. Nothing was stolen. In other news, one of us didn't wash his hands....
Ok AND I just burst into laughter seeing the guy look as emotional as he can while listening to Eric Carmen's All By Myself
And they just left..silently. The Abercrombie guy blankly staring off. In fairness, he might be smart... yeah right.
Here...this very spot...is where love died. Or something. Happy HOLIDAYS!
Ok What the hell was I intending to do today?
Oh and one more thing, unlike the livetweet of the worst first date, this Woman needed no pep talk. She knew she was above it.