As a comic and a pundit, I'm really getting tired of the GOP candidates continuing to say the same things at these debates.
Sure, there's "9-9-9," "the Mormon," "the guy with the racist camp name," "the other Mormon," and "the wife of a guy who can pray gay away," but it's tired at this point. So during the last debate, when, in lieu of watching, I devoted my energy to saving Gotham City on Playstation 3, I came up with this list of much more entertaining and likable republicans.
Without further ado, here they are:
8. Donald Trump. My prayers were not answered when The Donald dropped out of the race that he was never a part of to begin with. By in my expert political estimation, he would have made fun of every candidate at least once per debate by now, told the moderator to "shove it," refused to answer at least five questions and made two questionably racist remarks about President Obama.
7. Mel Gibson. Listen, liberal friends: if you're going to accuse Republican candidates of having racist, hyper-religious, alcoholic or misogynistic tendencies, this is your dream as well.
6. Don King. Yes, he's a Republican. You're telling me one of the greatest fight promoters of all time wouldn't be a great debater? He would probably propose Pay-per-view events to balance the budget. You can't go wrong with that.
5. Ben Stein. An appointee in multiple Republican White Houses, and the most famous monotone man in Hollywood, I think all of us would agree that we would be more entertained hearing him read from a phone book than listening to the current crop of candidates.
4. Pat Sajak. I would wait with bated breath for him to make Wheel of Fortune references, like telling other candidates that they were going to need to "buy a vowel" or "spin the wheel," when he disagreed with them. His opponents would then question his authority on small businesses by asking what ever happened to that part of the game in the 80s where winners would have to use their money to buy crappy prizes on the show.
3. Rachel Hunter. Stacy's Mom would get my vote. You know how Roger Ailes said that he hired Sarah Palin because she was hot and got ratings? Same concept, but legitimately hot and much more stately.
2. 50 Cent. Yes, he's a registered Republican who at one point actually said he liked George W. Bush. He's the perfect candidate. A media mogul who invested in successful projects AND he's been shot nine times. He could argue that he's his own security detail.
1. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris needs no explanation.