Fred Thompson is Campaigning as Matlock

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox claims George W. Bush is afraid of horses. Bush's Crawford, Texas, ranch is reportedly "equestrian-free." It's a little shocking. It's kind of funny. But more than that it adds to my theory that Bush has contempt for anything smart and hardworking (see Valerie Plame and U.S. Armed Forces).

Really? He pretends to be a cowboy, and he doesn't like horses? I am deathly afraid of monkeys. I am. They're gross. But you don't see me dressing up like Tarzan as part of my public persona.

But maybe that's how you get to be the Decider. Like WWF wrestling, you have to choose a character for theatrics. "Sunday Night - the Decider meets his arch nemesis - The Inquisitor! In a smack down of biblical proportions!"

So in the contest to be the next Decider - the tights are pulled on, and we're ready to rumble! The latest contender is Fred Dalton Thompson. His character? Multi-millionaire former lobbyist, Hollywood actor? Naw, he's an unassuming Southern bumpkin lawyer. It's Ben Matlock - played by Fred Thompson!

Now it's going to get interesting! And when has hype ever been wrong?

Thompson played a committed, competent yet tough public servant on television's Law and Order. He can do this. He can read the script and be convincing. That's all we need in the ring.

When Thompson announced his candidacy on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, it was like time stood still. Really. I think time actually stood still.

"It was about as riveting as a steel worker on strike," as Matlock might say as he was driving a pick-up truck on his way to fetch some fried chicken and biscuits.

Ahem. Thompson's real political record is as follows: He won a special election seat for the Senate in Tennessee in 1994 and was then reelected in 1996. He was the alleged 'down to earth' candidate that drove a now infamous red pick up truck along the campaign trail.

The Washington Post reported that his red pick-up truck was leased.

He didn't BUY it - but the voters did!

When Thompson doesn't know something on the campaign trail, he uses, "I can't pass judgment." "They were good people." "We can't take anything off the table." And then there are times when he just flat out states that he doesn't know. Questions on anything specific are all curve balls to him. He said he couldn't recall the details about the Terri Schiavo because it was 'going back in history.' I thought only tweens considered 2005 'back in history.'

While in Clarksville, Tennessee, The Jackson Sun quoted Thompson saying the US is "on a good course" in Iraq.

On a good course? Maybe that's 'going back in history'. Like to 1991.

But it's been working. He doesn't know what he's talking about. So we don't have to know either. And that has made him tied for second place with McCain in some polls. I think that's the definition of 'failing up.'

Fred Thompson is a skillful producer of white noise. It's soothing once you get used to it. And it frightens me to think that's enough of a qualification to be the next president of the United States.

Because with his All American story of coming from nothing and becoming a television star - he just plum picked himself up by his bootstraps and accidentally stumbled on power, money and fame - he's like a Norman Rockwell painting.

If there was a Norman Rockwell painting of a simple farmer and his trophy wife.

There's just something about that twang. "I'm just a simple Southern Lawyer." It makes people want to trust him. Colonel Sanders won't do nothing that's bad for you. Foghorn Leghorn don't mean no harm. Matlock has got it all figured out. Aw, shucks, that's why you should vote for him.

Like politics, professional wrestling is fake. But like we have seen with Benoit, the wrestler who killed his family and then himself - real people can actually get hurt.

With a botched trillion dollar vanity project known as the Iraq War being dropped in the lap of whomever is the next president, it's time to end the make-believe. We're in real trouble.

Follow Tina Dupuy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TinaDupuy

Comments

[daniel155]

At least Matlock usually wins the case. This start to the Fred Thompson campaign has got to be the most unimpressive launch since the new Coke. All this build up and then fizzling Fred begins by saying I don't know to questions. I just don't think his heart is in it now that he knows that he is not going to be annoited as the nominee and that he will have to work for it.

[zenpiper]

This one was good. Smart and funny and apt. I call Fred Thompson "Flubber" since that is what it looks like his jowls are made of. And we thought Nixon had jowls? This man is the Jowls King. I would love to see Flubber shake his head fast and go, "Bub-bub-bub-bub-bubba!"

But seriously, I don't think Fred has a ghost of a chance. He might be a nice man, someone to go fishing with, or to sit on a porch with while plucking the banjo and singing "Zip-a-dee Doo-dah."

I think Christopher Guest did Fred Thompson in an old Lampoon sketch. Oh wait. That was Sam Ervin. Same thing, really. Good ole Southern boys who love their catfish. Sho nuff.

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

First of all, it isn't a ranch. It's a house on a large piece of property.

Secondly, bush is truly "all hat and no cattle".

Finally, Matlock? I don't think so. Matlock had a brain. Thompson is much more Jethro Bodine than Matlock.

[Lisette]

Dear Tina Dupuy,

Absolutely great Post!!!

[waiguoren]

Great post there, Tina.

Do it twice a week, and if we're lucky you can replace the unctious David Brooks over at the NYT.

As for Fred, to me he's Jubilation T. Cornpone.

[Halsey]

I think Rudy Tuttie will peg him for VEEP...to get the "southern" vote...(can't trust a NY'er..even "amerika's mayor"..)...

This country is so friggin scary that the likes of Tuttie and Arthur...er I mean, Fred are even CONSIDERED...didn't repubs learn from W...guess not..they kinda sorta elected him twice...they're still looking for a guy to have a beer with...and in Fred's case..hope he passes out so they can get friendly with his comely wife.. This country needs a designated drive...not another good ole boy...
Hey..is there a 12 step program for an entire nation of "addicted" to hype?

[OrvilleHLarson]

"K Street Fred" Thompson's campaigning as Matlock?
Actually, he's Boss Hogg--and with the same lack of ethics!

[realitytrumpsbull]

So, impeach Bush and Cheney, while it's still 'legal', and drop Pelosi in the Big Chair, cut the budget so there's less people
climbing over each other for their turn to hand
out the Government Doughnuts, and get someone
ethical, publicly accountable, and averse to
3-card-monte policy stuff. So, what's the INTEREST on 9 trillion, anyway? Pocket change,
pocket change...

[dadw5boys]

We call people like Thompson PEN HOOKERS. That olde slow talking way to Cheat People out of their money. Pen Hookers hang out by the cattle pens on sale day and buy cows off the trucks and the farmer thinking he made money gets ripped for about $100 to $150 each on good cattle. Pen Hookers are always dealing looking for that BBD. Big Better Deal.

[LittleBrother]

Well, he sartinly hooked hisself a prime heifer, anyhoo. But that's an udder story...

[Desiderata]

I don't know. He reminds me of Mr. Haney from that old "Green Acres" show.

[richw23]

Love the story about Bush and horses!!! I went to the link and it was worth it. I actually thought Bush has a working ranch.

I think his pastime of cutting brush is so revealing. Mindless work that gives the illusion of progress but never changes and never ends. Kind of like cleaning grout.

[Qbear]

Fred needs a dialect coach...I could have sworn he was doing an impersonation of Jessica Fletcher.

[hopeless277]

Starting with Reagan, the GOP decided to hire it's candidates from SAG. So far it's worked like a charm. People don't want character in a president they want a character actor who can PLAY a president. And as we all know, perceiption is everything. The GOP are PERCIEVED to be strong on terror because the SAY they are. If you looked at the facts you'd see that more Americans have died in terror attacks under Republican rule that Democratic. But the GOP has PLAYED THE PART and therefore gained the trust. I hope Fredric of Hollywood wins the presidency. We deserve someone like him.

[OckhamsElectricRazor]

Thompson strategy is to win the nomination by default by saying nothing. Rope-a-dope works when dealing with REAL dopes.