The Great Divide: Divorce, American Style

An Attempted Murder Reveals What We Think About 'Dead-Beat' Fathers

I wish I could say I don't understand what drives a man to stab his ex-wife, but I do. It's not justified or sane but it's not incomprehensible if you have seen how ugly divorce can be, as I have.

Last Friday I got an automated call from my school district. A Valley Cottage elementary school (not my daughter's) was in lock-down due to "some kind of domestic abuse situation." When I told my husband what I'd heard he half-joked "maybe an ex-husband lost his mind." I turned on the local news channel. A woman had been viciously stabbed and run over with an SUV shortly after 8 a.m. in the parking lot of the Sheraton Crossroads in Mahwah, New Jersey.

Police initiated a man-hunt for the victim's ex-husband and barricaded Liberty Elementary School, where the former couple's children are students.

By Friday evening Allan Pelcak Jr. was in custody and his ex-wife, Laura Matousek, was in surgery at Hackensack University Medical Center. The news reports kept rehashing the same details. Curious, I turned to public records on the Internet. The couple divorced two years ago. The house they owned went into foreclosure in August. They had two mortgages, meaning they probably owed more than the house is worth. Ms. Matousek had a judgment against her ex-husband for $11,544 in child support that threatened him with jail. Mr. Pelcak owed town and state taxes. The 41-year-old engineer was unemployed.

Next I signed on to the court of public opinion: my local newspaper's online comments section. Anonymous (they're always anonymous) 'two-centers' were sending Mr. Pelcak to the guillotine. They called him a monster, a murderer, deranged. He deserved to rot in prison. Pray for Ms. Matousek, they wrote, an innocent mother juggling two jobs and taking care of two beautiful children.

Then I noticed RatBastid's comment:

"Have you ever been subject to what Allan was? Where were you when he needed people on his side after being humiliated by his ex-wife? Yep, he lost it ... couldn't take the pain she caused him anymore."

You are more likely to relate to RatBastid's sentiments if you have seen firsthand how a decent man can get sucked under by the riptide of divorce. In America, fathers who can't pay child support are "deadbeats" rather than men who have become overwhelmed or sabotaged by unreasonable financial obligations ordered by family court judges. Too often these men are up to their ears in financial debt or facing bankruptcy but are too proud to let anyone know they're suffering. In an ideal world this man would be able to go back to family court to seek "modification" of child support or alimony because his circumstances have changed but he's too deep in debt to even think about hiring a lawyer. Instead he slips further and further into the abyss. This is Divorce, American Style. I know. I've seen it.

By Saturday morning Bergen County police had released Mr. Pelcak after 12 hours of questioning. Ms. Matoucek is in a medically-induced coma. In the absence of any real news, Internet commenters who apparently know the former couple have kept the story alive with conjecture, scuttlebutt and gossip. They have painted conflicting pictures of what went on inside the home between a man and a woman. Depending on who you believe Mr. Pelcak was either a dedicated father who prevented from seeing his children or he was an angry volcano waiting to erupt. Ms. Matoucek has a new boyfriend; she was rebuilding her life but she insisted the children call her boyfriend "dad."

We voyeurs read these prurient comments with detachment. We get just a glimpse of how painful divorce can be on people no different from you and me. We squirm when we think about the children who are the objects of tug-of-war between Ms. Matoucek and Mr. Pelcak. If we are in a happy marriage, we thank our lucky stars. Even we are not, we think that can never happen to us. That we will never become that ex-wife bleeding to death in a parking lot or an ex-husband so crazed that he not only stabs his wife but then runs over her with his car.

We think this can never happen to us but it can because this is Divorce, American Style.

 

 

 

Comments

[wolfguide]

12:48 PM on 09/29/2009

Men with nothing left to lose are particularly dangerous and the system of divorce laws creates an awful lot of such folks. When a man loses his job or his finances change, he is brought before a judge and told to fix his economics or go to jail. Should he take whatever money he has and hire a lawyer (whose motivation is to bill hours) or should he pay support or alimony before his other bills? Should he lose his home, his good credit, max out credit cards, default on other obligations? Should he live with his elderly parents so his ex-wife can maintain her style? Should he cancel his health insurance? Stop paying taxes? Shed some wait and cut back to 2 meals a day, so his ex-wife can eat dessert in a restaurant (the way she did when they were married).

Society cannot drive men to homelessness and threaten them with jail and expect them to accept it with a smile. Hit me again, please. Eventually, men give up and no longer regard themselves as part of the social contract -- the one that says if treated fairly and with respect, I will obey the law. I'm surprised more people don't become outlaws. We read about judges being threatened, ex-wives being attacked, and children abandoned by once-loving parents. The surprise is that anyone is surprised. Men are just putting in place their own declarations of independence. I can't say they are always wrong.

[bobo52]

09:45 AM on 09/28/2009

This sad story is the result of laws that are outdated and in need of reform, such as the Divorce Laws in Massachusetts. Alimony laws in Massachusetts encourage the recipient not to work any more than they choose to, and encourage them to cohabitate to ensure that Alimony stays in place. In addition, in Massachusetts there is no definitive timeline in place to end Alimony, including when the payor reaches retirement age. These types of Alimony laws unfortunately result in sad stories like this one!!

[Puma80]

02:21 PM on 09/28/2009

Unfortunately this NY incidence is all to common. Consider the case of Darren Mack in Nevada the previous year . The real sad part is that the Nevada Legislature took up alimony-reform only *after* the horrible Mack incident. Talk about being behind the eight ball.

Below is the National Law Journal article talking about nationwide alimony reform, and higlighting the Darren Mack case:

http://www.law.com/jsp/law/LawArticleFriendly.jsp?id=900005560195

"In Nevada, lawmakers are considering a bill that would give judges specific rules to follow when determining alimony. Current state law does not provide any guidelines, making alimony discretionary. The legislation is a response to the recent high-profile murder case of millionaire Darren Mack, who will be sentenced this month for killing his wife and shooting a judge who ordered him to pay $10,000 a month in alimony payments to his wife."

[JCONYX]

09:41 AM on 09/28/2009

Anyone who has ever been through a divorce in MA should be able to identify with what drove this man to the brink. Judges believe that the earners should be crushed while creating a situation where the receiver is entitled to take the rest of their life off. There is no incentive to persuade the receiver of alimony to ever return to a productive life.....ever.

HB 1785 in MA was drafted to specifically address this situation, but it is unlikely that any lawmaker would be tempted to "do the right thing" by supporting this bill. This bill potentially takes money out of the pockets of any lawmaker who is also a practicing lawyer....and many are. Think about it...we have the foxes guarding the henhouse. Why should they back a bill to correct a very bad situation based on case law, when it would cost themselves and their cronies the blood and pain money of the people.

Beware of the person who has nothing left to lose...and that is exactly what our probate courts create by finacially destroying, and jailing a person whose only crime is likely a bad economy.

[artsykathy]

06:20 AM on 09/28/2009

This isn't just a problem in MA but in states like Florida and South Carolina as well. There needs to be national reform. This is just a glorified welfare system for unmotivated and unwilling ex-spouses.....I am a 34-year-old divorced mother of 2 who currently works and is going to school and DOES NOT receive alimony.....It can be done and it should be done.....Involuntary servitude is basically what it is and it must be stopped.....

[No Kidding]

08:50 PM on 09/27/2009

This situation is tragic but bespeaks the critically high emotions that surround the outcome of “no fault” divorce. With ~50% of first marriages and >60% of second marriages ending in divorce, if marriage were a product it would be subject to recall or more probably ban. While the stakes are often ruinously high, no one at the altar is gazing into the eyes of their betrothed thinking they are effectively a coin toss from life altering change and certain financial ruin –even though the statistics tell us that this is in fact the case. Current laws lack predictability, clarity or structured guidance/incentives for mutual independence of the parties to “no fault” divorce. The outcome that society wants and needs is two functional independent adults, responsible for their independent lives, actions, decisions, and futures.

Post continued below…

[No Kidding]

08:49 PM on 09/27/2009

What actually happens in states like Massachusetts are outcomes that foster and reward alimony recipients to never work, never remarry (but to cohabitate), and be perpetually dependent on alimony payers who are imprisoned for losing a job. The whole system is badly broken. No person who knew the stats on outcomes of current divorce laws would marry - think about that effect on society. In MA a draft bill (HB1785) seeks to address these shortcomings and provide safeguards, structure, incentives, clarity and predictability to laws that currently lack all of those things.

Perhaps not so surprisingly this draft legislation is meeting stiff resistance from powerful lobby groups like the MA Bar Association, for whom such clarity represents a loss of millions of dollars of billable hours. To avoid future tragedies such as those described in this article we, as adults, need to understand “cause and effect” and fix current laws, focusing on the post divorce situation in which two adults are mutually independent, contributing members to society.

[bdewar]

07:59 PM on 09/27/2009

Who said that getting married should be a career. Why would one expect alimony from their ex once the marriage has ended. Once you split your assets and your children are emancipated, why don’t you get to say goodbye and continue on with your lives. Why should one ex get to receive compensation from the other. Given that the courts are willing to force one ex-spouse to pay the other, doesn’t it mean that the person receiving the payment contributed less financially during the marriage? Why doesn’t this person pay their ex who provided a lifestyle to them that was much better than they were willing, or capable, of providing for themselves?
The whole concept of forcing one divorced person to pay another a salary just because they got divorced is wrong. Wrong enough for a formally non-violent person to become very violent.
What marriage “benefits” are required by the payee to give to the payer upon divorce. Is he/she still required to clean the payer’s house, cook dinner, grocery shopping , laundry, etc. No, course not. The courts, divorce lawyers and some ex-spouses are treating marriage, and divorce, as a career move instead of what it should be, the desire to be with that special person. It’s these same people, the ones who are demanding and receiving alimony, who are the ones saying about marriage that he is “not willing to commit”. Can you blame him?
Reject Senate bill 1616 and accept house bill 1785.

[dochollidey]

05:51 PM on 09/27/2009

I can fully appreciate this article. I have been divorced for 10 yrs and have paid my ex over $100,000 dollars in alimony during this time. I was making more money than my ex at the time of our divorce. She has a better job now and is making about $1,500 more per month than during our divorce settlement. I insisted that I would not sign an agreement unless my alimony would end at the time of my retirement. My ex was to receive approx. 1/3 of my retirement at that time. However, I later learned that the court decided that I would have to wait until retirement to find out if the alimony could be reduced or ended. I retired last year and petitioned the court to end my alimony. They refused, though they did reduce my alimony by $275 per month. My ex now makes about $900 more per month than me. I not only have to pay my court costs, but the majority of hers also. It is not fair! This leaves me open to be taken back to court at any time and be subject to more court costs. I now barely make enough to make my monthly payments. I drive an 18 yr old car which needs to be replaced soon.
This divorce along with attorney fees and court costs are driving me into a lower lifestyle (or poverty) than I had before. I live in SC. This needs to be a national movement. .

[Kateinoh]

05:13 PM on 09/27/2009

This is not an issue about men v. women. My divorce has been the worst experience of my life. I am now trying to dig out of the financial devastation it caused. I am paying alimony to my ex husband and I agreed to let him pay me nothing in child support in order to reduce the amount of time that I would have to support him. Now I can't afford to pay my sons college tuition. Our divorce was a total shakedown of me and our children by him and his attorney. Let me repeat that I am a woman and was the higher earning spouse. The divorce laws should be radically changed and the incentive for the low income spouse to go after the higher earning spouse should be done away with. When someone gets a divorce they should be required to support themselves in a lifestyle that they can afford. They should also be required to support the children according to the lifestyle that they can afford. This would hurt children a lot less than the financial and emotional beatdown by greedy litigants and attorneys. I recommend that no one gets a marriage license because it means is that you are giving total control to the state if your spouse wants to give you hell in divorce court.

[shirenthall]

02:51 PM on 09/27/2009

Thank you so much for bring visibility to the need for divorce law change in Massachsetts. I believe Senate bill 1616 is just another way for the lawyers to keep their income coming in from the unfortunate folks that are divorced.

I am very encouraged with the House Bill 1785 which is truely trying to simplify the divorce laws in Massachusetts; and, make it clearer as to what the guidlines are for alimony judgements. This clearity will reduce courts costs for Massachusetts tax payers by reducing court litigation cases; and it will reduce court costs for parties that are divorced.

I am a strong supporter of House Bill 1785!!!!

[bee2bee]

05:54 PM on 09/25/2009

The sad truth is, thousands of couples divorce each year. Yes its tough on the parents and the kids. But nothing can be that tough to justify what happend to this poor women, what her children are going through, how the problems they have have been aired.

[Jay Arah]

11:13 AM on 09/25/2009

What a friggin mess. Why is it that a mans gotta break down and hurt some one in order for mens issues to get even the mildest media attention? Perhaps its time society take a proactive approach to mens issues rather than waiting until something goes wrong, only to pretend that it was some unforeseeable horror.

I think the problem stems from the collective arrogance of our species. We refuse to acknowledge that our cognitive reasoning CANNOT always override all of our natural impulses. Its the neurological equivalent of the opposable thumb. Its a vast improvement, but we're still just apes. When backed into a corner, some of us reason and socialize our way out others, thrash about violently and rip some ones face off. Its not about the false dichotomy of right and wrong, its simply animals being animals. The reality of the matter is that cognitive thought tends to make humans more violent than animals, not less violent, and worse still violent in far more horrific ways.

[insiderinfo]

09:28 PM on 09/24/2009

If you live in Massachusetts, you can be thrown in jails for MONTHS for not paying child support or alimony. It is absolutely routine for judges to say to men who just cannot afford exorbitant alimony payments if they lose their jobs or businesses fail, "I'm ready to send you to jail right now," and "when you max out your credit cards, I'll put you in jail." This is allegedly the most enlightened state in the country. This is for inability to pay alimony to a woman who either works full-time or who is never expected to work in her life, even after a 7 years marriage. IF YOU ARE MARRIED, DO NOT LIVE IN MASS. DO NOT RETIRE THERE. DO NOT ACCEPT A JOB AT ANY OF THE 100 COLLEGES OR UNIVERSITIES or the zilions of hospitals or research centers. The state is a hellhole for men - or any "Higher earner" in divorce. The lower earning spouse, even if college educated, able-bodied, and employed, seems to be entitled to lifetime alimony if the higher earning spouse makes more than $50K. LIFETIME ALIMONY. This is following child support till age 23. If you know anyone who needs help in this area or who wants to help fight these medieval laws, please go to Mass Alimony Reform. www.massalimonyreform.org

[Tina Traster]

09:18 AM on 09/25/2009

insiderinfo,
thanks for your reply. I've long suspected that this abuse is a serious and unspoken issue. I want to spread the word on this. If you can be of any help in pointing me toward publications or blogs or any forum to get the discussion started, please send me an email at [e-mail].

[NotARedneck]

06:32 PM on 09/24/2009

Does anyone now doubt why the large increase in the percentage of never married men had increased their happiness compared to women?

[Amyloidosis]

04:52 PM on 09/24/2009

In order to enter school one needs to pass a physical. In order to be promoted, one has to pass a test or several tests. In order to graduate, one has to pass tests. In order to get a drivers license, one has to pass a test. In order to get married one needs a license just saying, “I want to get married". In order to raise a child one just has to make sure the sperm and the egg meet. Until we have more stringent rules about the sanctity of marriage and children we will have this madness called ugly divorce and dysfunctional families and children. Look at our role models. People who dress up in borrowed clothing and get married and divorced on an annual basis, while raising children in a fishbowl existence of media attention. One is judged on the size 2 is better than the size 12 principle and beauty is all on the outside. People make a big deal over the length of a dress and not the integrity of the person in the dress. Murder and divorce seem to fit right in to that line of thinking.