Bristol-gate: A Lesson in How Not to Teach Teens About Sex

Conservative Republicans are adamant on the issue of teenage pregnancy, unless of course the teenager in question is the daughter of one of their leading candidates. Suddenly, compassion, forgiveness and open mindedness becomes the proper and expected mode of thinking and everyone is supposed to get in line and applaud the courage it took to admit the improprieties. That is, as long as there's a promise to reform, warn others to do differently, and thank the Lord along the way. Sorry, Sarah. We aren't buying it.

Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin has been a staunch advocate of fighting against a woman's right to choose. I have to give her credit for not being hypocritical. She stood by her belief in the rights of an unborn child and, no matter where you stand on that issue, she didn't say one thing and do another. But a consistent political stance clearly isn't a recipe for raising teenage daughters, or sons. That her own child got pregnant isn't in itself a character flaw or condemnation of her as a person. But it does show a glaring lack of understanding of practical issues and a failure to communicate the right message at the most fundamental level - as a parent.

If Sarah Palin doesn't believe in sex education in schools she should at least recognize that it's the parents' job to educate their children on the subject. My parents were pro-lifers and very conservative. My dad was a pastor, and so was my grandfather. But they had the foresight to inform me of all the trappings of an early pregnancy. They did everything they could to ensure that I, and my five siblings, understood all the responsibilities that went along with having sex. There wasn't an unwanted teenage pregnancy among us and we all went on to get college educations. These days, that's quite a statistic.

Mom and Dad sure didn't encourage me to have sex. Far from it. But they were intelligent enough to prepare for the inevitable possibility that I would one day become sexually active. My mother sat me down at home with photos and informed me about sexual reproduction, STDs and various methods of contraception in graphic detail. She showed me what sexual organs look like when they've been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. She made darn sure I'd recognize a penis with gonorrhea if I ever saw one. I guess you could say it kind of took the wind out of my sails. Not that I was a prude in high school, but I was very careful in my choices, and that is because of my parents' influence.

I still remember one thing loud and clear that my mother said to me: "I am raising six children, and I will not raise a seventh. If you get pregnant, I will support you and will always love you, but I am not raising your child. You have a lot of dreams and goals, and they will all be put on hold if you have children before you're ready."

I was fortunate. The older I get the more I realize that I really have extraordinary parents. These aren't easy conversations for parents to have with their children, but they're needed. So many of my friends had parents who threatened them into celibacy by saying, "If you have sex you are going to hell." But kids in Christian schools like the one I went to weren't any less horny for being told sex before marriage is a sin. Quite the opposite! Of course they were going to have sex. Some girls didn't use contraception because they were afraid their parents would find it. I overheard girls advising each other in the locker room to "just have him pull out." It was totally backwards, and so not what my mom talked to me about!

Sex became this thing kids did in secrecy. They didn't talk to their parents about it until they were in trouble because they were afraid. To me, the lack of education, whether from a parent or teacher, was the obvious problem. But apparently not to Sarah Palin.

I don't pretend to know what went on inside the four walls of the vice presidential candidate's home. But having gone to a Presbyterian school and grown up around girls just like her 17-year old daughter, it's a fair guess that this teen didn't have much access to sex education with a politician mother who opposes it.

That suggests Bristol has parents who are out of touch with reality. Sexy images are being pumped at teens every day. They have access to all kinds of information on the Internet, much of it dangerously misinforming. Do they really think telling kids nothing other than to "just say no" is going to stop their sexual urges? Do they really believe the fire and brimstone approach is going to stop the inevitable?

And now that Bristol is pregnant (surprise, surprise), it will be interesting to see if the media buys into the way the Republican Party is framing this. They're saying that the girl is going to marry her high school hockey-player boyfriend, like that's somehow going make the whole thing okay. You know it's never going to work. That girl and her child are going to be in trouble. It's like Jamie Lynn Spears all over again. She made the airbrushed cover of Okay! Magazine, but the father of her child - the product of another upright Christian education - is still running around with other girls.

Instead of putting a Band-Aid over the whole mess with a shotgun wedding, why not do everything we can to make sure it never happens? It's like Barack Obama said in his speech last week: whether we are for abortion or against it, surely we can all agree access to education and birth control to prevent unwanted teen pregnancies from happening in the first place.

Exactly my point! Pro-choice? Pro-life? Democrat? Republican? When it comes to teens, these polarizing labels shouldn't even be on the table. Why not pro-education?

Tina Wells, 28, founded Buzz Marketing Group (www.buzzmg.com) when she was just 16. A leading consulting company that specializes in the latest youth trends, Buzz clients include St. Martin's Press, SonyBMG, Sesame Workshop and Time Inc., to name a few. A trailblazer in her field, her list of honors include Essence Magazine's 40 Under 40 Award, Billboard's 30 Under 30 Award, and AOL's Black Voices Female Entrepreneur's Award.

Comments

[DazedConfuzed]

You got it right....PARENTS SHOULD DO THE TALK and GUIDANCE. No amount of sex education in schools can replace the "sit-down" and "tough love" stance your mother offered. She held you accountable and responsible for your actions. Is that too much to ask for people who choose to bear children.
Last time I checked, there are failure rates to all sorts of birth controls, so the issue has got to be more than just availability and access to these methods.
I have a feeling your choices/decisions not to "get into trouble" had more to do with constant parental presence, than sexual education in schools. Ironically, it is thanks to 'conservative' parents that you turned out as fine as you did.

[lewes17266]

Thank you for this. There is a good op-ed in The New York Times today called "Let's Talk About Sex" by Charles M. Blow.
Concerning Bristol who was engaging in sex at the extremely young age of sixteen, I have to wonder where the parents were and why she was not being supervised, and I also wonder how their religion impacts their lives. Obviously their strict rules and laws and dire warnings are not sinking in. There is a hardness of heart that I see in these people.

[2stupid4words]

Sex! Wow! What does this poor girl's being pregnant have to do with politics? I find it amazing that adults have one heck of a time handling sex themselves. Now people are sending out the national guard with suggestions to control a human response. Responsibility, if nothing else, should be preached to children. However, too often, heads are buried in the sand believing tha 'my child would not do that.' I firmly believe that when adults can provide better images of healthy sexual encounters, that is when children will start acting more responsibly. In a nutshell, adults display the irresponsibility that befalls teen pregnancies and other unwanted pregnancies.

[Kerris]

Tina Wells -- brilliant article. And my kids aren't old enough yet (still both under 4), but as soon as it is time to "have the talk", I am taking a leaf out of your mother's book!

[BetterDays]

Big Hint to win the election. Let the tabloids cover this and let the legitimate sites keep their hands clean. The Repubs are waiting for you to step in this trap, and you have fallen for it hook, line and sinker. Stick to the important issues. The Republicans are already beginning to frame their next attack -the angry left. The Huff Post plays right into it while placing this story front and center. Be smarter. Let's try our best to win this election rather than give it away.

[drblack]

Those under 18 can't buy condoms in Alaska. Birth control has to be available to all in order to work.
Schools should give out condoms and Americans should stop being so uptight about sex.

[Kerris]

Whoa! The age of consent is 16, but they aren't legally allowed to buy concoms until they are 18?

I have heard of recipes for disaster, but this is tantamount to a crime.

[Philip N. Cohen - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for this post. I just hope the Republicans and other welfare reformers remember their compassion and support for the Palin family when they consider the effects of welfare "caps" that prevent mothers from getting additional support if they have a child while already receiving welfare. "These things happen" to poor families, too, after all - especially if they are subjected to "abstinence only" education and their parents are overworked and undersupported.

[lewes17266]

good comment

it is not easy parenting teenagers

[BlackJAC]

I went to a Catholic high school, myself, and we had sex ed, including how to use condoms. Granted, the guy teaching us was a layman, but the simple fact that the monks who ran the place allowed it at all says something.

[vew]

Thanks for a great article and so true! I feel so sorry for the two teens involved.

[LeftRight]

The first thing that I must say regarding this is I'm disappointed in America for having to have THIS discussion at all! This should all be common sense.

The second thing is, I'm glad that your parents were realists. My own parents were both EXTREME liberals, and they said much the same things that YOUR parents did (tailored with a bit more do no harm, since I am a guy).

And finally, as the father of two teenage daughters, my wife and I recognized that things were going to happen whether we wanted them to or not (we didn't!). Since we knew that things would happen in THEIR time, not ours, we sat them down and followed our OWN parents' examples. We now have two beautiful, well rounded, happy teen daughters. Yes they are both having sex (having made the decisions themselves!) but they are in monogamous relationships with boys that we approve of, and they are using BC.

Am I HAPPY that they are having sex? No. But it is a part of life, and I'm glad that my daughters are both better adjusted to it than many of their friends.

[pros54]

People keep dodging the issues. Teen pregnancy is about self control, and being "street" smart if the self control fails and the travails of teen pregnancy the most important is children bringing up children and loss of other constructive input of the individuals involved to society due to mainly due to inability to acquire education at the right time. The cry over this particular teen pregnancy is that of role models. When Britney Spears(the celebrity aka McCain's add) teen sister became pregnant she was shouted off the stage and her mother and Britney were blamed for it. Now the "Christian" right wants us to elevate Ms. Palin to the second highest post in the land because she and her teen failed in that job. The vice President is even more visible than Britney Spears sister. So what kind of disconnect are we in, in this our country? I know I am preaching to the choir but where else can I preach?

[joanndarc]

HuffPost's Pick

Dear writer,

Of cause your are correct, but the question is when people can be honest with themselves and recognise that humans do have needs and sex itself is one of them. It is not possible to suppress a need and no resulting effect. Going against the grain, suppression of the need developed during evolution, is an action that produces a reaction or side effect.
The whole concept could not be understood by religiouse people who deny evolution and live by the magic of having it the both ways, e.g. NO SEX NO HARM. Such absurd leads to the result that contradicts their goals.

Religion exists to compensate for the lack of understanding of something or logic.
To put it bluntly, religion is an excuse for accepting our own ignorance.
But the creator (e. g. you) and the creation (e. g. your article) are of rather fine quality. :)

Best wishes,
IM.

[avgblkgirl]

Finally somebody who speaks the truth! I gasped in an "OMG! Your mom said that too!" stunned state of shock when I read the things your mother said.

My mother, who is devoutly religious, preached abstinence in our home. And while there was no STD slide show, mom didn"t just leave off with "wait until you"re married". She always followed up with "any babies you bring into this world are your responsibility". I never doubted for one moment that she would have been supportive up to a point had the situation ever occurred. My childhood would have come to a screeching halt. There definitely wouldn"t have been anybody holding me up as a paragon slightly sullied virtue or using me as a well placed after school special. I wouldn"t have been trotted out as an example of my moms" exemplary child rearing skills. She definitely wouldn"t have presented the possibility that the great lessons that could be learned from her pregnant teenage daughter were somehow a silver lining to the cloud that ends, not with a rainbow, but with a teenager becoming a mother.

What"s sad about this whole situation (beside yet another teenager entering motherhood in a few months) is that Republican will try to spin this situation as a job well done on the part of Sara Palin. And while they"re commending her they will have missed the opportunity engage in intelligent discourse on how we talk to and teach our teens about sex.