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"Deathers" Expose Canada's Health Care Secret

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When Obama and the Democrats try to explain how America's health care crisis can be fixed, they often point to our neighbors to the north.

"Canada provides health care to all its citizens, we can too," say the optimists.

Sounds good until you consider this scary fact: at some point after Canada instituted its national health care program, everyone in the country died.

This startling truth emerged today when a group known as the "Deathers" -- sponsored by a consortium of health insurance companies and endorsed by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) -- held a press conference exposing a surprising statistic: according to the most recent census reports, Canada's population is currently zero.

"Near as we can tell, some of them dropped dead right away and some of them were horribly disfigured and stumbled around for awhile and then died," Jordan Gipple, a spokesman for the Deathers, reported "but the bottom line is, from Newfoundland to British Columbia, there's not one single person up there. It's like The Omega Man only without Charlton Heston."

A reporter asked why it was that so many Canadians do seem to be alive and perfectly healthy today. Wayne Gretsky, Seth Rogan and Nelly Fertado were cited as examples. Mr. Gipple responded that these so called "Canadians" actually reside outside of Canada in places like Arizona, Los Angeles and New York. "They're like refugees from the Titanic. Sure, every once in awhile you'll find one floating around, but I bet you five bucks not one person here has seen a real Canadian in the past 24 hours. They've all gone to the great beyond. And you can thank national health care for that!"

"Canada's not the only place. There used to be plenty of people in Norway and Sweden and France. There were even some people in England. But then they went and instituted national health care. And now they're gone too."

Mr. Gipple ended with an impassioned plea that brought tears to the eyes of the press members present, "Yes, America's health care costs are spiraling upwards. Yes, 46 million Americans are uninsured. And yes, about 1.5 million families lose their homes to foreclosure every year due to unaffordable medical costs. But seriously, what are the options? Just look at what happened to these other countries when they tried to "fix" the system. I know I speak for all Deathers when I say we must keep the system we have, absolutely. Don't touch it. We don't want to wind up like Canada or Holland or Denmark or Germany. They're all gone. Now it's up to us, us fortunate few, to keep the candle of mankind burning."