Research Uncovers Technology That Could Destroy Film and TV Studios

Panic swept through Hollywood today as producers and studio executives, already embattled by the writer's strike, learned of an ancient tool recently unearthed by a team of international scientists. Placed in the hands of ordinary Americans, this primitive technology threatens to completely destabilize the multi-billion dollar entertainment industry.

"It's called a 'book' and it's pronounced like 'cook,"' said one worried Hollywood insider. "This really couldn't come at a worse time for us. With the strike going on, and nothing but reruns or crappy reality shows hitting the airwaves, there's a good chance your average Joe might look elsewhere. And if he gets his hands on one of these so called 'books,' well, we're totally screwed."

Books are ancient devices for storing information. They come commercial free, use no electricity, need no time to download, and are entirely portable. They are available in premium "hardback" editions and more affordable "soft cover" editions. They can also contain loads of sex and violence without any kind of rating system whatsoever.

As the researchers pointed out, "books" have been around for some time, though barely noticed. One unnamed producer, reached in his Malibu home, said he was shocked at how much popular Hollywood material originally came from books, including Harry Potter, American Psycho, and Jesus.

Another fear is how much damage a single volume can do. "They showed me one 'book' by a guy named Thomas Pynchon, it was a monster. You could miss hours of prime time viewing by curling up with that thing. I don't know what our advertisers think, but frankly I'm scared." said a senior network executive, reached at his Martha's Vineyard home.

Research also showed that writers are actually paid real money when their work is sold as a book, as opposed to what happens when a writer's work is sold on the internet. "This new 'book' paradigm turns the studios' whole economic model completely upside down." said one analyst.

Producers reacted by encouraging studios to settle quickly with the writer's union before the holiday shopping season gets underway. "I can see this spreading like a fevered virus. If too many people wake up to find these 'books' under the tree Christmas morning, then it's game over, man," said one senior Fox VP, reached at his Aspen home. Then he added a reassuring thought, "Luckily, America's schools don't really emphasize reading."

Read more about the strike on the Huffington Post's writers' strike page.

Comments

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

Books? What are those?

There are also a lot of old Hollywood films to watch, and they are light years better than most crap today...

[xenubarb]

There are many amazing things about this ancient and revered technology.
You can leave it in the sun and it will still work.

It doesn't need batteries. It works anywhere, any time.

You can use it in the tub, but total immersion is not recommended.

If you're stranded, it can be used as both kindling and toilet paper. If it has a leather cover, you can make soup. Hopefully, interest in this technology will be resurrected, as people discover that the writing in books far surpasses the writing in sitcoms in both quality and intelligence.

[Openeyes]

Sorry, I just can't worked up over the strike, and I think there is entirely too much about it on this site.

I don't watch tv any more. I have a tv. I could get cable or satellite if I wanted, I just don't. I haven't had regular service for almost 5 years. I don't miss it. My kids are too busy with schoolwork during the week to watch it. I work 2 jobs so I'm too busy to watch. We go to friends' homes on election nights to watch results (although you could stay updated with the web). We own and rent lots of DVDs, so the kids watch those and my wife and I can put them on when we have time (usually very late at night). But I get my news from the web or other sources. I occasionally see television when traveling with my wife, in a hotel for example, and there's really nothing much worth watching, except perhaps the history channel, discovery channel, things of that nature. I just don't miss it.

Try turning it off for 2 weeks, and just get your news from the web.

And read a book.

You'll find you waste immensely LESS time, and you'll be much better informed and educated.

[Stoyver]

Do you really think books can compete with quality TV shows like sitcoms? Books don't even have laugh tracks! How will readers know if the book is funny?

Actually, books have to be genuinely funny in the absence of synthetic laughter. I once viewed a segment of a sitcom with and without the laugh track. It was very illuminating. Not only was it not funny but it seemed kinda eerie. An actor would say something inane and pause. Then another actor would do the same and so on. After that experience I never watched another sitcom. I have read a great deal though.

[Mrrar]

It's sort of amusing watching one long-dead business model (Paper books) fighting another new-dead one (highly restricted TV and movies).

Tee hee. Welp, off I go to pay 20 dollars for a 5 cent piece of plastic :)

[Camel54]

And you know, it emits no emissions, it's 100% recyclable and renewable.

Quick side note, America's schools certainly do emphasize reading. Thus programs such as Language! and Read180. America's parents don't enforce the reading homework given to their children. A good friend of mine, a teacher, has actually had parents come to her school to ask her to stop making their kids read so much because they ask questions the parents can't answer. Some parents even bribe their children with video games to get them to stop reading what the teacher has suggested. True stories and more where those came from.

[stevesrant]

Looming Book Epidemic Stymied - To the relief of television executives everywhere, an antidote has been found to stem the threatening literary resurgence. It's called the 'graphic novel', once referred to as the 'comic book' in its shorter and simpler form. By shifting the focus from the written word to an artist's rendering of those words (or lack thereof), 'reading' is kept to a minimum, drasticly reducing the need for imagination on the part of the 'reader'. Although its development was certainly inevitable, much of the credit for this miracle antidote must go to thousands of unemployed art school graduates. "We can certainly live with this for a long while," said idiotbox executives everywhere, "it keeps people in the habit of watching, instead of getting hooked on reading and thinking."
P.S. Most schools still do their best to emphasize reading, at least here in NY. I just learned that certain schools were now including graphic novels on their book lists; this prompted me to write. Graphic novels are certainly an engaging medium, but they put more effort into the image than into the word; the designation "novel" in the genre's name suggests otherwise.

[Metacortex]

Ya know, I was once arrested in Tennessee for having an open book in my car. Fortunately, I got off on a technicality. They couldn't prove it was a book.

[JustAnotherJoe]

And there's these huge buildings, warehouses really, all over cities that let you borrow them for nothing but your promise to return them. Nothing! When was the last time Hollywood Video let you take home Porky's 2 for just a promise?

[SueDoe]

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

I've lived in Los Angeles my entire life, there's no way that I'm reading a book.

*phew*

You had me worried for a minute there.

http://suedoenim.blogspot.com

[JustifiablyParanoid]

Hah! Loved this post. If only, if ONLY people would pick up the "dreaded" book....you know, I do believe more than the entertainment industry would suffer as a result....