04/15/2007 07:52 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The President's State of Emergency Speech

My fellow Americans,

I have tonight asked the Department of Homeland Security to raise the National Threat Advisory to Glowing Purple. That's above our previous high of Red, or "Severe." I don't know what word goes with Glowing Purple. All I know is it's a crazy, intense color and these are crazy, intense times.

The enemy is not terror. The enemy is not the axis of evil. The enemy is within. And not to get all Deepak Chopra on you, but the answers lie within us too.

So, I'm not here to talk about China's trade practices or troop deployments in Iraq, I'm here to talk about bees. When was the last time you heard a president talk about bees? Well, I have to. We count on them to pollinate our crops, to help make our food, and yet they are vanishing, in vast numbers. 50% gone in some places, 80% in others. It's bad. Is climate change the cause, or is there some other reason for their disappearance? We need to know, we need to figure it out. I wish I could put that red head from C.S.I. Miami on it 'cause as far as I can tell, he can figure out anything. But my advisers tell me that's impossible.

Now, not so long ago my fellow Republicans scoffed about how the Endangered Species Act protected obscure animals like the salt marsh mouse and the gopher tortoise. I honestly can't tell a turtle from a tortoise, and to be frank I thought the law was pretty stupid too. Well, now you can stop painting me with the idiot brush 'cause I get it. You see, today we're endangering the animals we grew up watching in zoos. Penguins, polar bears, the ones in those storybooks I read to our school kids on my picture-taking days. If they're gone, if we're knocking off every species one by one, the logical question is how long before we're next? Gets you thinking, doesn't it?

As scientists have proved, the CO2 and the methane we put into the atmosphere are causing all this. So, I am asking all Americans today to join me in a revolutionary change in the way we exist. To be clear, I am not asking for "sacrifice." As Jimmy Carter proved, using that word would be political suicide and Karl Rove would spank my ass pink if I ever said it. So, I am simply asking for an evolution in our behavior. "Evolution," yes the Christian Right will crucify me for saying it, but I think we can all agree I've pandered to them enough. So let's evolve, just a little itty-bitty bit. We'll still be eating good food and sleeping in warm homes and traveling to our jobs. But the manner in which we do so will reflect a respect for the delicate planet we live on.

Okay, how are we going to do it?

Well, when was the last time you heard a president talk about cow farts? Well, I am going to talk about cow farts. The methane from our cows, emitted in those cattle yards that make the air unbelievably stinky for miles and miles in my beautiful home state of Texas, that methane contributes to climate change even more than CO2 does. So, please, skip the double-double with cheese, if you have to eat meat, have it as a side dish. Eat more seasonal and locally grown vegetables. For pete's sake, try some tofu, it ain't gonna kill you. And anyway, you know it's all about the sauce. So put some barbecue sauce on it or some delicious plum sauce or some spicy salsa. Trust me, you're not going to die of protein deficiency. Who knows, we might even solve that obesity issue while we're at it.

As for CO2, there are lots of ways to solve for this. Solar power for instance. Do you think trees are smarter than us? No? Well, the fact is those devious hunks of wood have somehow mastered photosynthesis and we haven't. It's time for us to catch up and close the photosynthesis gap. Starting today I am going to match every dollar we spend in Iraq with a dollar spent on buying renewable energy for our nation. You want to put solar panels on your house? The government will pay for it. You don't want to? Well, Mr. Fathead, try explaining that to the neighbors. We're putting solar on every major government building, every school, firehouse, department of motor vehicles, even that big warehouse where we keep the Ark of the Covenant is going to be solar powered. No excuse not to. We're smarter than trees, damn it.

Geothermal, wind, biomass, we've got more than enough solutions sitting right before us, and if the U.S. has to pick up the bill, well so be it. I've already shown that I'm not afraid of creating a huge budget deficit for the folly of war or for tax breaks to my friends, now I'm going to make a deficit go to something good, just like F.D.R. did. Besides, we can tax those coal power plants to make 'em pay for all the CO2 they're emitting, that'll help cover some of it. And a tax on the cattle ranches wouldn't be a bad idea either.

Next item: have you seen all the hybrids on the market? Just buy one. I saw Matt Groening, the creator of The Simpsons, driving one just the other day. He's one big fella. If he can fit in one comfortably, then I suppose they're good enough for all of us. But within the next three, count 'em, three years, I expect every major automobile manufacturer to be producing bio-fuel powered plug-in hybrid vehicles that get more than 70 to 80 miles to the gallon, and if they don't then there is going to be hell to pay. (Shakes fist) Hell to pay!

Let's cool off here and get down to brass tacks. To help staff all of these changes, I am immediately eliminating all airport security and putting those TSA people to work installing bio-fuel tanks in gas stations, solar panels on rooftops, and retro-fitting existing buildings with energy saving measures. Don't worry, America will still be just as safe. Think about it, literally the day after September 11th we instituted the cockpit lock, forever making it impossible to terrorists to use planes as pointed weapons. Sure, someone could still blow a plane up, but only in the same way they could blow up a train or a ferry or a bus, and we don't make you take off your shoes and smell your feet every time you get on the damn bus, do we? The whole thing has gotten entirely out of hand. And the real terror today is what happens if we don't do something about this climate change.

I know what the cynics will say; they'll say I'm just trying to create a diversion. They'll say that I want to distract you all from the debacle over at the Justice Department and the complete mess we've made of Iraq. Well, let 'em say it. But the truth a little more complex. The fact is, I'm a big Vonnegut fan, used to read him back at Yale when I was recovering from those wicked ass hangovers. Rove doesn't want me to talk about that either, but what the hell. I love Vonnegut. And last week one of his obituaries mentioned that he wanted a message carved onto a wall on the Grand Canyon, for flying-saucer creatures to see. The message would read, "We probably could have saved ourselves, but we were too damned lazy to try very hard... and too damn cheap." Well, with all due respect to my main man Mr. Vonnegut, I'd like to prove him wrong. We can do this. Because we're Americans. We're can-doers. And because the alternative is just too freaky.

Now, lemme look at my notes here, bees, cow farts, fat guys driving hybrids, I think I've covered everything important. Time to quit yakkin'. Rove's giving me the evil eye from the back row and I know I've got an ear full coming my way, but, honestly, screw him, he's not the one going down in the history books as the worst president ever. I am. As I said to Condi this morning, this is our one shot to salvage this pathetic mess of an administration and while we're at it we just might save the world.

So let's roll.

Thank you and God bless America.

'Can't wait to see Pelosi's rebuttal to this one.