11/10/2006 05:58 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The War Bush is Winning

The President today refused to accept Planet Earth's offer of a mediated truce in their multi-millennial war against one another. "'Truce?' More like 'ruse'." said a suspicious Bush, currently mankind's leading spokesman for continued aggression against the planet. "The moment we let up in our merciless and unrelenting campaign, this Earth will no doubt hit us and hit us hard. Plagues, fires, tidal waves, we know what Earth can do. So we're just going to keep hammering at this godless chunk of dirt till it is totally and utterly pulverized."

Bush pointed out that after a million years, man had only recently gotten the upper hand. "We're seeing great victories against all the rival species. Whether it's the ocean's fish, the rainforest's timber, or the wild tigers with their delicious gonads, we're making real progress. I mean, it wasn't so long ago when man feared the tiger, so if this clawed and fanged beast is now considered endangered, I for one consider that a move in the right direction."

Earth pointed out that we were almost certainly moving beyond the tipping point in global climate change, with increased acidity in the seas threatening all marine life and glacial melting promising to subsume most coastal regions. The planet stated that only by taking aggressive steps immediately could mankind prevent massive suffering, not just in Earth's ecosystems, but in man's own society as well.

"Sounds like a sore loser to me." said Bush.

But from earth's point of view, it wasn't all mankind's fault. One lost and confused squirrel stated, "Honestly, we're just not that smart. I mean, if Bush can out-think us, that's kind of embarrassing." And a lone polar bear, adrift on an ice flow, offered this perspective, "We used very uncoordinated guerilla tactics; a tornado here, a falling rock there, maybe a scorpion bite now and again. But mankind had a cohesive strategy, they worked well together, and they really, really wanted to win." And finally, as a manatee seeking cooler waters up near New England put it, " I'm like 'Mission Accomplished, okay, I get it.' I just hope they have a plan for what comes next."