I have an announcement to make, and some of you aren't going to like it. But my principles and faith won't let me sit by doing nothing any longer. As a red-blooded, God-fearing American, I have had enough of watching those people do the horrible things they've been doing to our country in the name of their twisted, foreign belief system and indecipherable holy book.
I'm talking, of course, about Taoists, those insufferable bastards you've been hearing so much about on the news, staying calm and tranquil while everyone else freaks out, spouting crazy, anti-Capitalist rhetoric like, "To know you have enough is to be rich," when everyone knows that to never have enough is to be American.
I'm sick of it, and the way I see it, there's only one thing to be done about it: I'm declaring Nov. 1 the official "International Burn the Tao Te Ching Day," and I am going to build a massive bonfire and burn thousands of copies of the Taoist holy book. I'm inviting everyone in America to come join me, and if you show up with your own Tao Te Ching to burn, as well as some graham crackers and chocolate, I'll give you a free marshmallow and a stick to make a s'more.
I'm going to strum the guitar and sing Woody Guthrie songs with more patriotic lyrics -- "This land is my land, it's only my land/I got a shotgun, and you don't got one/If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off/This land was made for only me" -- and I'm going to drink beer and watch those evil books burn, and nothing in the world can stop me ... unless someone gives me a car.
That's right: one shiny, new car or those books are toast. If that jackass in Florida gets a new car for not burning the Koran, I certainly deserve one if I'm not going to burn the Tao Te Ching.
Oh, you didn't hear about that? It was in the news this past week. Some car dealership in New Jersey gave one of the world's biggest douche bags, Rev. Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville -- the one who threatened to burn thousands of copies of the Muslim holy book -- a free car because he didn't do it.
I know, I know. You're thinking stupid people in America are usually rewarded with their own reality show, but a car's nice too. Sure, it was only a Hyundai, but even so, it was a brand-new car. I'm going to assume it was nicer than my wife's beat-up, ancient Subaru Forester, which I now drive because my old car was even crappier.
Anyway, tons of people did take note of the story and flooded online message boards with comments like this one from a person named Lenny: "I didn't burn a Koran either. Can I get a free car too?"
Lenny and people like him are idiots. None of us burned a Koran, Lenny. Do you really think America's car dealerships are going to make like Oprah and give everyone keys? I'm sure that's happening real soon.
But one self-righteous son of a bitch said he would burn the Koran. That's why he got paid. And that's why I'm saying right now that I will burn the Tao Te Ching, so some dealership better step up and fork over a new Hyundai.
Better yet, make it a Lexus SUV. That seems to be the other car of choice for spectacularly stupid people these days. At least, that's what the guy in California was driving when he lost his son for 25 hours last weekend.
Oh, you didn't hear about that either? A woman in California called the police to report her 3-year-old son and the boy's father missing, and the police issued an Amber alert and launched a massive search, and they found the kid sitting in his car seat in the father's car.
The father apparently left a wedding with his son and then parked the car and left the kid in it because, as he admitted, he was so drunk he didn't remember that he had his son with him. And yet somehow that imbecile can afford a Lexus.
Well, I can't afford a Lexus, so somebody needs to give me one ... and pay the taxes and registration fee for me while they're at it. Otherwise, I'm burning those books, and all hell's going to break loose. Consider yourselves forewarned.
If the Tao Te Ching doesn't work, Todd Hartley is going to burn whatever the Atheists' holy book is. To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more