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Tom Alderman

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The Candidate as Antidepressant!

Posted: 06/07/2012 3:29 pm

We all know political candidates are sold on TV just like soap suds or prescription drugs.

Dire conditions are described -- dirt, crime, unemployment -- and only our candidate has the power to clean up the mess. On TV, all drug commercials are required to divulge a long list of disclaimers and warnings that, while this drug is really terrific, it could also kill you. It is strongly recommended that we talk to our doctor first before taking prescription medication.

Fair enough. Doesn't it follow that all candidate ads should also come with the same standard disclaimers and warnings?

When thinking about voting for your candidate ask yourself first if you have...

• A high fervor for someone else.
• Confusion and unexplained skepticism.
• Lower abdominal pain which may be signs of watching too much cable news.
• Experience consistent flip-flops on sensitive issues.
• An allergic reaction to obfuscation. This may occur at any time during elections.
• Serious doubts about his/her honesty.
• Memory problems about why you voted for this person in the first place.
• Constituent problems and cannot reach anyone on the phone. This tends to occur 24/7.
• Nausea when watching his/her attack ads.
• If you lost your job and can't find another.
• If your mailbox is jammed with his/her materials.
• If your 'Vote for....' lawn sign has been spray painted.
• If all media has endorsed the other candidate.
• If you have an itch for the other candidate which may be a sign of increased belief in the attack ads.
• If your candidate exaggerated or embellished on his/her background.
• If the candidate's audiobook autobiography is voiced by somebody else.
• If you do not experience authenticity in your candidate.
• If she/he is generally awkward while campaigning.
• If his/her positions scare you.

If you do change your mind about a candidate, the most common side effects are:
- Depression, indifference, confusion, increased anxiety, partisan fatigue, friction with your loved ones and decreased libido.
- Severe personal and partisan attacks have been reported.

Recessions hurt. Elections can help.

I'm Tom Alderman and I approve this message.

 
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