There Must Be 50 Ways to Say They're Sorry...And We've Heard Just About Every One of Them in the Past Several Years

Media-driven apologies from celebrities, businesses leaders and politicians are so commonplace now they've basically become meaningless much like the 43rd repetition of "your call is important to us" when you've been sitting on the phone for 20 minutes. Frequency has bred cynicism, mostly because these convincing apologies are so often preceded by equally convincing denials of any wrongdoing. Think of the various sin-atoning televangislists over the years. Or Olympic runner Marion Jones. All very impassioned apologies played back-to-back in the media against very impassioned denials. And because not all apologies are the same, it's getting harder to even recognize when one is issued. Like the recent U.S. Air Force "Unacceptable mistake" apology for flying live nuclear warheads over our homeland. Is that a real mea culpa or more a faux-culpa? Confusing.

We need a Sorry Guide to the various apology life forms alive in the media. Many of them seem to fall into a set of basic categories. Call them Sorry Buckets. For example:

The House Number Bucket, so named because it's the default mode, the obvious choice, the safest and the most soul-baring. It sounds something like. "I was wrong. I failed. I let (fill in the blanks) down. I'm so sorry." No ambiguity here. It's got guilt, remorse. Unspoken: can we, please, move on now? Think Hugh Grant's hooker apology with Jay Leno.

The Gonzales Bucket, named after the former U.S. Attorney General. "Mistakes were made," is the most common mantra. Rumsfeld used it a lot. Now the Air Force. It's deterministic. It acknowledges screw-ups but says it is out of our humble hands - "stuff happens."

The Pseudo Sorry Bucket. "Sorry if I've offended or inconvenienced anyone," "I regret if it was mis-construed." Sounds like an apology but it's really saying "I stand by what I did/said but I acknowledge that others might not like it. Unspoken: my so-called misstep is open to interpretation.

The Media-Did-It Bucket. This is the Offense-Defense. Blame it on those biased news vampires. "It was blown way out of proportion, taken out of context," "......the facts have been manipulated," Use of buzz-killer words helps here such as blaming it on a vast right-wing conspiracy or MoveOn.org.

The Pete Rose Bucket. This is the non-apology apology. "I said I did it. What else do you want from me?" Unspoken: "Deal with it."

The Devil Made-Me-Do-It Bucket. Always effective. Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, incredible stress are the real culprits. This has a wide range of users from Paris Hilton to Larry Craig. A spiritual epiphany coupled with a few months in rehab, or a Larry King appearance, often follows this bucket.

The Jesse Jackson Bucket. After uttering a racial epithet about Jews a while back he apologized saying "If there were occasions when my grape turned into a raisin and my joy bell lost its resonance, please forgive me." This is an apology whose eloquence almost makes you forget the insult. Almost.

With all the sorry buckets outlined here and more still to be identified, it's no wonder why so many of us have a hard time recognizing the real thing when it comes along.

So here's a suggested standard by which we might apply our judgment: An apology is genuine when it is freely given, not because of a bathroom arrest or when the drug test comes back negative. Putting partisanship aside, a genuine apology might be former Senator John Edwards's apologies for his Iraq war vote, or his stand on gay marriages. He didn't have to. He could have tiptoed between the raindrops on both these issues like some of his primary opponents. While there may be 50 ways to say they're sorry, leaders and celebrities might do well to consider a new bucket: The Sincere Bucket. Bypass the denial, go straight to acknowledgment and apology before anyone even asks about it.

Comments

[GenericBlogger]

The list of apology types in Tom Alderman's article is a good start.

One type of apology is written by publicists, agents, lawyers or other representatives of the offender, usually a celebrity. Such apologies are easy to recognize, by the eloquent error free statements issued on behalf of persons who sometimes struggle with good grammar and completing sentences.

[The Collinbrandt]

Each person has to answer to himself for whatever he/she does in life. No other person can get inside the skull of a perpetrator of an act which is deemed immoral. Until someone is right with themself for an act then, they can never be right with anyone else they wish to impress with their own morality. I have made my own fortunes and, I answer only to the lonely god inside myself and not to the divinities that exist in the constitutions of others.

[Ksenia]

Apology should be made from the heart but not to popularize oneself.. Even if suggested to be said sincerely often repetion of that will result as in the fairy tale about the shepherd boy used to cry: "Wolf! Wolf!" and nobody will pay any attention at their apologies.

[Marioli]

Say what you mean but only when you mean what you say. Or as my grandmother said: "Ask yourself first: is it true, is it good, is it necessary?"
It´s terrible when people say those atrocious things and then try to "take them back". It´s not possible, it´s out there. And we should judge the people by what they said. Because they DID mean it.

[marvc]

God who?

[speakyourmind]

Why does the public even need to hear a stupid apology? I find them all to be insincere, forced and completely without meaning. What comes out of people's mouths is usually exactly what they mean but they're just too self-absorbed to think before they open their pie-holes. This whole backtracking thing serves no purpose. And let's be honest, does anyone really believe that someone like Michael Vick is "sorry" for what he did? No, he's sorry he got caught.

[GenericBlogger]

You have a point but many expect something in way of an apology or the offender may appear unapologetic or inconsiderate.

Pete Rose was right to hold back an apology if he didn't feel apologetic.

[waiguoren]

Then there's the We're Fucked Bucket:

See Under: Pete Stark apology.

[Camel54]

Does Diaper David Vitter's apology deserve its own bucket or would it fall into the offense-defense? He claimed his enemies were making an issue out of his desire to pay whores to pleasure him. But he also gave us this, "Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife," which says to me, if God forgave me, you have no choice but to forgive me as well.

[GenericBlogger]

The Diaper David Vitter apology is one belonging in its own bucket but similar to Jessie Jackson's. The latter was adorned with illustrious words taking the thoughts to a different place of imagery. Vitter claims the issue is between him, God and his wife and he takes the issue to a higher authority, implying he should be left alone. This of course is a diversion because after all, Vitter is a U.S. Senator, a law maker (as opposed to a law breaker) and a very public figure.