Is There Anybody Out There?

05/25/2011 11:45 am ET

Every once and a while you just have to laugh, if only to prevent vomiting.

While spreading the loving word of Our Savior this week, Pat Robertson of The Christian Coalition, announced on the air that America should just kill the democratically elected President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. ‘It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don’t think any of the oil shipments will stop.’ Leave it to a man of God to see the upside of murder. Talk about inspiration!

I guess it’s one thing to claim barring The Ten Commandments from public buildings is a form of persecution, but quite another to actually read them. Or abide by them for that matter. Does ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill,’ ring any bells out there?

Oh I know, there’s the ‘eye for an eye crowd,’ the flat-earthers who can quote the Bible—you know, the Actual Words of God---to justify everything from torturing Muslims in illegal wars to frying retarded minors in Texas. The only problem is, in the New Testament Jesus specifically warns, ‘do not be taken in by an ‘eye for an eye.’ But most Americans would rather have a nutcase like Pat Robertson or that randy Jimmy Swaggart interpret the Bible for them rather than just read it themselves; quicker that way, and you don’t waste all that valuable time you’d otherwise spend watching TV or drinking.

Or, like Rick Santorum, you could just not read the Bible at all, and just shoot from the hip; you know, make it up as you go along.

But it’s too easy—and disingenuous—to simply blame Pat Robertson, an incoherent drooler so out of it his mind he still talks to Reagan and Nixon twice a day on the phone. I blame his followers; you know, all those People of Faith Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman want us to reach out to, those exemplars of civic behavior screaming and dry heaving in PTA meetings across the country so their kids can ignore the blasphemy of modern biology and instead be taught Adam pulled out his rib, it turned into a woman, and he screwed it in order to create all of mankind.

You’d think after years of bemoaning America’s devilward lurch and whining that they’ve been marginalized by the Secular Left’s stranglehold on our culture---—utter paranoid delusions refuted instantly by a mere glance at our national icon, er, I mean currency—these spreaders of love would jump at the chance to show the rest of us heathens how truly wonderful God’s grace is and distance themselves from mouth-foamers like confessed drug addict Rush Limbaugh or regular church goer Lynddie England. Where’s the love?

After the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, the Magdalene laundries, turning a blind eye to the Nazis, the pedophilia scandal, etc, etc, etc, you’d think the religious right would be chomping at the bit to convince those of us here in the modern world they’re, well, not insane. I mean, give us some good spin, even if you don’t mean it. Fake a makeover or something. Even McDonald’s is smart enough to dress up selling heart disease and obesity in clown makeup.

Of what significance is ‘being saved’ when a coke snorting, pot smoking vicious drunk like W can have thirty years of assholeness forgiven in one hungover walk through the woods with confessed anti-Semite Billy Graham? He goes on to lie to the world, start two illegal wars, and refuse to meet with the grieving mother of a fallen soldier because it interferes with a bike ride. Not exactly the best PR rep for moral values.

I mean, are you people so drunk on the glee from denying gays the right to marry that you’re willing to look the other way when one of your own outright refutes your Ten Commandments? Doesn’t that feel a teensy bit, you know, inconsistent?

When are we gonna see someone with an ‘It’s Okay To Pray’ bumper sticker pull over at one of those heartwarming evangelical family outings and chide Junior and Buffy into putting down the ‘God Hates Fags’ sign? Exhibit some missionary zeal and bring the kids up to speed with--if not the rest of the western world---at least the basics; you know, things like ‘Hate Is Bad,’ or, ‘God Might Frown On Bombing That Abortion Clinic.’

The whole ‘debate’ about religion in America presupposes a dangerous assertion; that religion is good. Well, let’s start seeing some examples, huh? And none of these testamonials about seeing the light, giving up whoring, or quitting stealing from the Wal-Mart that locks you in after hours at no pay; what have you done for your fellow man lately, you know, The Neighbor You’re Supposed To Love?

So, sorry Joe and Hillary. Until we start seeing some love—or even sense—from these people, then, no, we’re not reaching out to anyone who sits silently while their leaders promote murder. Somehow, it just feels a little…off. We’d rather sit here and wait for the real people of faith to appear and distance themselves from these flesh eaters and hate-peddlers and reach out to us.

Is there anybody out there?