Men: What Have We Learned So Far?

We have exposed a wide array of men (and women & children) to THE GOOD MEN PROJECT content over the last two weeks, including the premier of our film and reading from our book. We started at Sing Sing, moved to the Institute of Contemporary Art in Boston, then to Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut, and finally just yesterday The Belmont Hill Boys School with NFL Hall of Famer and Good Men contributor Andre Tippett. Life long inmates, high brow Boston society types, college students, and high school boys. It's way too early to make any grand conclusions but it's interesting to note what we have seen so far.

Everyone has a stake in this question. I was originally surprised by how quickly my 13 year old son grasped what we were doing, and was dying to talk about the issues. I have been equally surprised by the way women are dying to know what men actually think. In the end this is a men's project intended to help men figure out their lives, but we have invited everyone to the party.

Diversity allows us to see our shared humanity. The boys at Belmont Hill asked the best questions. Because they simply wanted to know. One asked, "if you do something really bad, can you still be a good man?" That allowed me to talk about the men I had met at Sing Sing and how despite the awful things they had done, each was attempting to wrestle with what it means to be a good man. And how one man who spent 12 years inside, Julio Medina, is my personal Hero for how he has turned his life around. "It's not how you fall in life," my grandmother told me, "it's how you pick yourself up that counts." That's true if you are rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight.

Men are dying to know they are not alone. Men at all the events, and just walking down the street, have approached me to let me know not only how much they love our book and film but really how important it was for them to know that they are not alone with the issues we are talking about. They say they thought they were the only one who had no answer on how to navigate the impossible trade-offs of being a man in 2009. But now they know that we all face this same challenge and it's really okay to talk about, even laugh about, and get honest about.

Everyone wants THE answer. Every interview, every event, the question comes up. "So, what does it really mean to be a good man?" To me it means loving my wife passionately, taking time for my three kids, and doing something for someone other than myself in my work life. But that's just me. And something I arrived at after a ton of heartache and bad choices in my life. Our hope is that men will read our book and watch our movie and be inspired. I sure have just getting to know these guys. They are all heroes. The one thing they each have in common is brutal honesty. You can't get very far towards your own definition of manhood when you are lying to yourself or the people you love. So dig deep and keep asking, "What is a good man?" And even more important, "What men do I admire and why?"

 

Follow Tom Matlack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tmatlack

Comments

[tinzleyb]

A good man is simply that, a good man.( He doesn't need cheerleaders or coaching) He just is...

[whalepeace]

If there were any good men, they would be working to get other men to stop raping and assaulting women and children and to stop making war on the Earth and to stop the male violence all over the planet. One would think good men would work to dismantle the global patriarchy and the ideology of male supremacy and work to obviate male privilege. As long as so-called good men benefit from the overall system of male privilege, there will be no incentive for them to change anything.

[MissAngela]

It's always US against THEM...Well listen up sister, they inherited this imperfect world just as we did!

[alwaysthere]

it's just a mess

[Tulka2]

I applaud your sincere efforts to be real men.

A real man is committed to doing what is best for his children. The best thing a man can do for his children is to love... or at least respect... his children's mother.

Here is a politically incorrect thing to say... There are just plain too many men on the Earth. The planet can bear way more human women that it can the devastating effects of too many men. I am not talking about abortion. We have the technology to only bear girls for awhile. When a drone can be piloted from S. California and rain death on innocent heads in Pakistan, please tell me why we need so many men?

According to Nichola Kristoff's new book, Half the Sky, there are many more men outside the west than than women. It shows. According to demographers between 60 and 100 million women have just plain disappeared. Oppressed to death. Often even by other women, i know, but without the testosterone surge, i think a lot would calm down. If i were queen of the world. I love men. I have been married of over forty years to the same man and am the proud mother of good men. There are just too damn many bad men with guns in the world.

[WorkingClass]

Men are expendable. This simple truth is often overlooked.

[KJLSanDiego]

know that to attract a true lady, you must be a sincere gentleman.

[xypher0725]

depends on the lady...a careful dose of ambravado makes for good times I've always found.

[KJLSanDiego]

bravery and confidence are part of chivalry...so we're both right! :)

[LadyR]

Nothing.

[skymuffin]

Stop lying: which includes leaving out vital information so that a woman can know immediately that you will be wasting her time and stringing her along. Stop using us and abusing us. Sure, you can justify to yourself that you are a good person, but you are deluding yourselves. Stick to sitting around lying to your buddies.

[PocketWatch]

Oh, please, don't get me started. Try telling the truth to a woman, and you are immediately told you are either abusive, an insensitive clod, or just plain cruel. Women want to hear what they want to hear, and any variance from the movie playing in their heads gets you the boot.

[CoconutLime]

LOL

[SpaghettyIrish]

There may be a rare exception, but for the most part PocketWatch is right.

[weatherwaxx]

If your truth gets you the boot, you're not with the right woman. If you have to lie to keep a relationship together -- consistently -- then it's not really a relationship, is it? It's a control game: you tell her what you think she wants to hear, so you're with someone you don't respect and she's with someone who isn't who she thinks he is.

Not my idea of a good time.

[KJLSanDiego]

it's hard for anyone, man or woman, to be totally honest and put it all out there. I'd hope that as adults, we could all handle honesty. It might not be what your partner wants to hear, but being truthful is important. Me and my S.O. have put off moving on to the next step b/c he wasn't ready. Now that he is (w/o an ultimatum, btw) ready to cohabitate, I feel happy not to be the harpy forcing him into it, and loved that he wants to share a life. Now, we are both ready to move on and on equal ground, which is so much better than anyone being manipulated!
Not every woman is a little girl w/ a princess complex!

[nicholasjh1]

Maybe you are looking in the wrong place... no offense. Also look up nonviolent communication and affirming sayings. You can affirm someone without agreeing with them.

[mijumom]

Is the book available at any retail stores in LA? Any screenings planned here?

Men and women seem really lost these days as far as what it means to be a good man/woman, husband/wife, father/mot­her...AND, why it matters so much.

I'm grateful you're exploring this, hopefully it will get lots of traction.

What if we put those who are successful in their family lives on pedestals rather than pretty rich people? What might change collectively? Could be nice.

[Tom Matlack - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes events planned at book soup and metropolis in LA (see: http://www.goodmenbook.org/events.php).

Book and DVD are available on Amazon and www.goodmenproject.org

[wm1066]

Never take a side when a group of women are having an argument! Try to be as diplomatic as you can and then get the heck out of there. If you add anything to the argument ALL the women will ( for reasons unknown) gang up on you.

[weatherwaxx]

Probably because there's nothing more irritating when women are trying to settle something than some guy playing Daddy Knows Best. Even if you happen to be right, it might not be so much about finding the right answer as finding it in a way that lets everyone save face.

I don't like group arguments with women - or men, either. Humans tend to argue to see who's got the dominant ego, not necessarily to solve the problem.