Good is Good is my column at THE GOOD MEN PROJECT
We need to start thinking about manhood differently. And by "we," I don't just mean guys--I mean women too. Maybe what's really going on is more of a role reversal than either men or women realize, or are ready to admit. But denying this reversal won't help; it can only dig us all deeper into today's male identity crisis. Every time I approach major corporations about talking to their employees about what it means to be a good man, they steer me toward their executive women's group -- who, they insist, would be delighted to talk about manhood. When I ask why they don't have a men's group, the response is an unsatisfactory combination of legal rules (it could be viewed as illegally discriminatory against women) and pop psychology. It's a funny thing about men. We don't like to complain. In fact, some would say that we don't really know how to talk about anything other than a box score or stock table. Women have shelf upon shelf of books, and countless magazines devoted to how to juggle conflicting female roles in the modern world. On TV, there's Oprah, Ellen, and Dr. Phil. Most guys wouldn't be caught dead watching that stuff, but for many women the magazines, books and TV shows provide a forum to talk through the practical implications of the feminist revolution. Before I go further, let me say this: I was raised by a mother who burned her bra and who instilled in me the importance of female equality. Nothing I'm about to say is meant to undercut the need for feminism. Women, on average, still do not make as much money as men. Sexual exploitation in the form of pornography and prostitution is a serious problem, and it's only getting worse. Men control the top spots in politics, corporate America, and entertainment. Much more still needs to be done to rectify these inequalities. But gender politics is not a zero-sum game. Women have just as much incentive to help guys to figure out the new rules of manhood as men have in supporting women in their quest to overcome the obstacles of overt sexual discrimination. Many men are in crisis. Most guys I talk to quietly acknowledge that they're struggling to "do it all." Sound familiar? That's what women have faced all along: how to have a career while also being a mom and wife. Well, we want to be more involved as fathers and husbands. But no one has set the workplace bar any lower, so that men have the time they need at home with the family. Seventy percent of the jobs lost during the most recent recession were held by men. The vast majority of those fighting our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are men. Generations of boys are growing up without fathers. Boys are falling behind girls in school. Male incarceration and recidivism rates are higher than ever. Divorce laws in many states are grossly unfair to decent, loving dads who want to play a role in their children's lives. In spite of this, the media are still consumed with the old feminist battle cry, to the exclusion of the predicament of boys and men. Maybe guys need to complain more publicly about how hard it is to be a good father and husband, and still bring home the bacon. Maybe we should have our own cable network -- not for ultimate fighting or pornography, but for guys to talk about trying to do it all while the wife, kids, and boss expect more than ever. It's up to us guys to speak out. Certain stereotypical behaviors are killing us: we don't like to talk much and when we do, we compartmentalize. Maybe it's some deeply embedded instinct to leave home and go hunt gone awry. But today's caveman isn't faring so well. It's time to learn how to be the same guy at home as we are at work, to integrate the multiple challenges of male life, and to speak to each other candidly about ourselves, rather than suffering silently. The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table. Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it's our turn. Join in the conversation at www.goodmenproject.org
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men must have a blood pressure spike women can't even understand to function sexually.
this necessitates passion. but the passion is so intense that most of us bottle it up or divert it in one way or another to play.
just a thought
The truth is that this guy Tom is on a mission from God (to quote the Blues Brother) AND he's trying to make a living selling his particular brand of spiritual soap. Of course, he has to start by convincing his potential customers (both corporate and individual) that their carpets, clothing, whatever have some terrible stains in them.
What's nice is that a lot of said potential customers aren't buying his generalizations. Of course there are screwed up, immature, repressed, narcissitic men out there. Ditto women.
But that doesn't mean it's an epidemic. People come, not just in all shapes and sizes, but in all degrees of maturity, self-awareness and self-actualization, too.
How many more gurus, coaches and dime store philosophers are we going to need before we figure out that we can each figure this sort of stuff out for ourselves - as soon as we're ready.
When the student is ready, the preacher appears...or something like that.
I can't wait for the day when I can hang out at home...do a little laundry, run the dishes...watch some Oprah (well, not Oprah...that's pure drivel, but...the NHL Network always has good stuff on) and spend the day watching the children grow up (only the most rewarding thing in the world).
Then, I can't wait to talk about how hard it is, and how my partner who works needs to do more to help me.
And I want TOTAL respect, like all of the other domestic engineers, who do such important work.
I disagreed with his statement about pornography and prostitution.
By they way, thank you for taking the time to actually read my posts. I understand that someone who does not actually read them (or who reads what they want to read) will, in fact, label me a sexist and misogynist. I have always believed that anyone who actually reads them will not come to that conclusion. So...I appreciate the open mindedness.
In general, I find a stunning amount of hypocrisy and misandry in the "feminist" movement. If that hypocrisy and misandry are not eliminated...the goals of "feminism" will fail.
Example...a salesman is no longer referred to as a salesman, but a salesperson, because it was determined that the vocabulary could have a detrimental effect on the perception of equality.
BUT...we continue to use the term "feminism" to describe a movement that seeks equality for all...not just women? Forgive me, if I find that suspect...
If we can change salesman to salesperson...how about we dump "feminism" for "humanism"?
So...if your goal is equality...great...let's do it.
But, let's not demand all the rights while sitting silent on the responsibility and pretend we are equal...which is what modern feminism does.
Remove the hypocrisy and misandry and you will have equality soon.
I am absolutely 100% stating my life goal. And far from mocking them, I am demanding for them (us) the respect they (we) deserve.
There's finally an article addressing men and masculinity and people only use it to comment on how the patriarchy is a myth, feminists are man haters and so on. Why am I not surprised?
Such arrogance.
Seems like the patriarchy merely had a sex change operation.
I guess some men will listen to thoughts about manhood from women and believe that's how they should be. I spose that's every bit as useful as men telling women how they should be...... which is to say.... not very. Other men will just got out and be who they are, while struggling to be mindful about being their best. No rules required.
Some men need to talk a lot, some (like me) not so much. There are things I can talk to my wife about, and there are things for which she has absolutely no frame of reference. The hardest thing is finding another man I can trust to help me peel my soul. Someone who will watch my back and honor my confidence. They do exist, but not in large numbers. Fortunately, as we teach one another, that number is growing.
If you want to know what a man is about, you won't find it books. You won't find it in rules, and you can rethink it till you're blue. You won't find a man in his words. You'll see him in his actions.
Do men a favor. If feminism wanted changes in women, fine. But leave the rest of us the fluck alone.
Over reaches by feminists...and PETA...and a few other fringe groups have given a LARGE % of the population who might otherwise support Democratic goals like fair pay, workplace safety, clean air and water, etc. the seeds of doubt that Limbaugh and FOX exploit.
Feminism has done many good things...in the past. The problem is that too many modern day feminists act like they are Dr. King when, in reality, they aren't EVEN Al Sharpton.
Far too much of modern feminism "appears" to be the nit pickings of misandrists.
I suspect they would not take kindly to a group of men trying to "empower" more women to be strippers and Playmates...but see no issue with trying to remold men to their liking...without asking...
What we need to emphasize in raising either gender are the HUMAN VALUES. Our sexuality - being male or female - unfolds naturally as a gift from God. But being a good person is a genderless quality. If dads quit on their sons and daughters, they can still grow up beautifully by respecting the human values of the parent who didn't quit - even if she's a different gender than themselves.
Their father was a junky. It had nothing to do with him being male.
It's a revelation to me how many men feel like such poor put upon victims these days.
Men who grew up in the late 80's and early 90's were constantly told that women wanted "sensitive" men only to find out in the real world....not so much.
Women always say they want men to help more with the kids, but...a funny thing often happens when they do. Many women want mommy to still reign supreme, so...when she sees her "territory" being taken...when she sees the man doing a good job and getting the attention and affection of the child...there is a lot of jealousy there...in far too many cases. I have seen it.
Or women will say they want "a partner" in terms of housework, etc. But, the second you don't do everything exactly as she wants...
Partnerships are equal....women can't want to treat their men like maids and call it equality.
Feminism has managed to force women to work (by necessitating a dual-income household) where in the past they had the choice not to.
All you hear about is women complaining about how there aren't any men that are responsible/spontaneous, aggressive/sensitive, mature/funny. They want men to be happy to spend all their time taking care of the kids, making a giant pile of cash, helping with housework, etc. Men aren't allowed to complain though, if they do they're being selfish/oppressive.
Your second sentence is absurd.
"Sexual exploitation in the form of pornography and prostitution is a serious problem, and it's only getting worse."
If you are talking about specific cases within these examples...sex slaves, etc. fine. But, otherwise, pornography and prostitution are no more exploitative than coal mining or janitorial work.
And, you reinforce the sexist stereotype that women cannot enjoy or want sex. Women who want to embrace or enjoy their sexuality should not be treated as victims.
Many women believe a Mr. Right Knight in Shining Armor with scripted charming lines is their birthright.
Is that healthy?
I believe that you should have said that SOME men control the top spots. The whole "patriarchy" thing never really existed - you could always find desperate, destitute men whose gender didn't guarantee them a good life. And that's exactly why the idea of "patriarchy" is bigoted: it presents men as a monolithic and dangerous mass - even though it isn't true.
It doesn't serve their purposes to acknowledge this reality, but...the "patriarchy" has never lifted one finger to help me. I don't remember going to any "patriarchy" meetings, etc.
But pls keep in mind that this “new feminism” is also the old feminism. Radical feminists believe that patriarchy hurts everyone, women AND men. Like you said, feminists have been doing this work -- challenging society’s gendered social expectations -- for 50 years. But we can’t do it alone. I can’t wait for the day when more men get on board — take a gender studies class, form consciousness-raising groups, start organizing. When men finally get fed up with today’s stifling, limited notion of what it is to be a man (macho, emotionally withdrawn, homophobic, etc) and start demanding change, your feminist allies will be there to back you up!
They should be ridiculed or vilified or not given a choice?
Please tell me you're kidding. Where on earth did you get those stifling, limited notions? That is SO not what it is to be a man. I know, cuz I am one. And you?