Why Men Don't Talk

It's not about Oprah or People Magazine or the red carpet or American Idol or even Dr. Phil. Men don't talk because the very vocabulary for day-to-day life has been so dominated by a female frame of reference that we've lost the ability to explain ourselves in any meaningful way. So we dig a deeper and deeper hole as men. It's about Tony Soprano and Don Draper. Only in real life.

"Feelings" is a female word used to describe one of thousands of states of mind that a woman goes through on a daily basis. As a devoted husband, madly in love with my wife, the only thing I know for sure is that she's the one. But I have had to become an expert at reading the tea leaves and using my powers as a Vulcan mind reader to anticipate my wife's moods because I am not like her. I'm a guy.

I'm all about getting stuff done and not talking about it during the process. My life is like a long to-do list where I am constantly trying to check off the boxes. Walk the dog. Check. Take the kids to the dentist. Check. Make investment decisions. Check. Ride my bike until my heart rate maxes out. Check.

I also like to think that I am on some kind of against-all-odds heroic mission in my life, even if its on the tiniest of scales. In my case it has to do with experiencing huge professional success early on in life, going through a god-awfully painful divorce with little kids that shattered me as a man, and then trying desperately to put all the pieces back together again. I have seen the mountain tops but also the gutter. Most guys have.

I'm a sucker for come-from-behind stories from the Shawshank Redemption to the Red Sox winning four straight against the Yankees in the 2004 ACLS. It also means when I look into Tony Soprano or Don Draper's eyes and see a good man trying desperately to get out, despite all kinds of depraved behavior, I can relate. I'm transfixed by the moral battle going on in one body. That struggle is what I end up talking to my guy friends most about. Just how to do the right thing as a father and husband even when the cards seem profoundly stacked against you.

My theory is that my group of friends and I are not the only ones. At this moment in history guys from Wall Street to General Motors, Sing Sing to Harvard, Boston to Marines in Bagdad are all looking in the mirror asking what the hell happened to the life they had thought they were chasing.

Its a moment of national introspection for us men as we re-evaluate what's really important. Some are staying home with the kids, some are changing careers completely, some are re-dedicating themselves to marriage, and some are getting divorced. Some are going green.

What unites us is that we each have a story to tell. And we are a lot more similar than we know. We sure as hell don't want to talk about our feelings. But deep down we want to believe we are good guys. And we don't want to be alone. We're fascinated by other guys who are also the real deal, fighting the good fight and winning.

So the answer to me is not Oprah for guys. It's guys telling their stories in men's language. About doing right and wrong. About pain and suffering. About violence endured and inflicted. About success and failure. About redemption. About being a father, son, husband and provider. And in the end about the struggle to be a good man.

Follow Tom Matlack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tmatlack

Comments

[LadyR]

Very interesting comments. Women and men do communicate differently, for the most part. My male friend I mentioned earlier, he cannot simply give the facts or a succinct report of whatever he wants to tell me. His approach is one of a storyteller, with all the details, which I'd just as soon not hear, just give me the facts. But again, at the risk of stereotyping, I really don't know how else to explain him except that his style is what we've been conditioned to think is "feminine," a lot of verbiage before getting to the point. He is one of the few men I've known like who is like this. All the rest have been the typical "not talk about their feelings" type. Which can be just as frustrating to me as my friend's blah blahing ad infinitum. I also think his verbosity is tied in with loneliness. I've noticed this with folks who live alone and don't have a social life to speak of. They do tend to talk a blue streak because they live inside their thoughts all the time. "All the lonely people....where do they all come from...all the lonely people...where do they all belong?"

[tsanders726]

Men seem to have no trouble talking when it means they have an audience for their stories, theories on life, complaints, etc. If they have to listen, and interact then it's a different story. This seems like just another excuse for men to behave like cretans and get away with it.
Blaming women because we "feel" too much is a a new way to say it's all our fault. If we were more basic, and just got to the point, everything would be fine.
Yes, I believe that men and women think differently. But why is that women are the ones always expected to make the concessions and work it all out?
We're just supposed to go with the "boys will be boys" attitude and go along.

[nicholasjh1]

You sound like you've confused everyone elses life with your's. Open up your mind, maybe you're the problem.

[HooperX]

So much of our time is spent alone with our internal monologue navigating life's alleyways that we don't feel like regurgitating the same script with anyone, let alone our significant other. I'm not always able nor willing to express because I'm exhausted with the noise of daily life and the burden of communication that seems to accompany what we do: blogs, emails, snail mail, voice mail, SMS, newspapers, magazines, movies...on and on. I lost my computer one day to IT updates and thought for a minute: what do I do? The answer of course: pick up the phone and call someone and get back to communication that includes actually talking to a live body. Sometimes being forced to choose active conversation as communication can overcome listening to the monologue. Which no doubt makes my wife happier. I just need more practice, I think....

[Jesse P. Steinberg]

I enjoy talking if I know stuff on the subject I am talking about or thats being spoken about. Plus if I am with the right person and comfortable around them I can talk non-stop.

[PoliticalRockChick]

Men don't talk because sometimes us women can be real bitches.

[cal5000]

Nicely put--its kinda hard to match that catty attitude without going way too far and saying awful things.

[PoliticalRockChick]

I'm a woman that sometimes don't like to talk to a man I'm with and men don't like that.

[johnh1019]

Tom Matlack, you nailed it. Thanks.

[angelwax]

We do tell stories. But to other men. Women for the most part do not understand or really care what men say. So why say anything??? They are to concerned with their own wants.

[minimalist syntax]

I love my husband's stories. And I appreciate listening to the stories of other men in my life as well. I also enjoy it when men share intellectual ideas with me and listen to my ideas. In short, I enjoy the opportunity to come out and play with the boys.

[Elyriaohio]

Minimal, your a gem.
My wife will revert any of my comments or stories into "all about her".

Comment - "Honey, I got a raise!"
Wife - "I wish I would get a raise. My boss...blah...victim....blah."

Sheesh, I can't even share GOOD news.

[inc3000]

Men have been raised to think and behave differently from women and this includes how to express emotions. At an early age, we men are taught to be tough, not to cry, not to do this or that or you'll look girly. Later on, if we express how we feel inside, we are looked up as weak, sissy, gay.

Even when girls tell you how they like guys who show emotions, turn around and think you are weak if they see you cry in front of them.

Anyway, I think for the most part, men and women have the same emotions no matter how you choose to express them.

[suejester]

What's wrong with being gay?

[cal5000]

Good question, why are so many gays afraid of stepping up and coming public with it so others can see its no big deal?

[ZenGardner]

Go ask your father - since the poster's point is - right or wrong - that is how young boys are raised.

[minimalist syntax]

Are you saying that our society is so homophobic that men are taught they must construct a hyper-heterosexual persona through the way they speak?

[JohnFromCensornati]

Yes.

[Perry Clease]

"She gets upset and says: "See. if I'm thirsty.I don't want a glass of water. I want you to sympathize."

If he didn't get her any water, but instead said something sympathetic then she would have complained about that. It is like asking us if her pants make her butt look big. There is no correct answer except to tell the truth and that gets us into trouble, and you wonder why we don't talk.

[mazzetta]

that's surely a point anyone can recognize

fear

too often -we- just say wht we plain and inoffensive things, using unarmed words, while truly expressing ourselves in a way we think trouble-free and they find a trouble despite our best intentions

mostly we need a bit to realize what they're complaining for, usually a 100% surprise

so it's possible that talking is auto-limited as a defensive strategy

on the other hand maybe they talk a bit too much to fill the hole, while the gap rises because they fear nothing, given the average male doesn't care to carve each of her words

maybe we need a bit less of peace and a bit more of dialectical confrontation, but it's clearly not a solution for all

[nicholasjh1]

Yesterday I got really frustrated with the reaction to me expressing myself and I had to say. "Stop PMS projecting."

[nicholasjh1]

p.s. this actually worked.

[cal5000]

Women seem to think we enjoy crazytalk and bad stories; we dont.

Relationships would be so much better if men and women talked less.

[minimalist syntax]

I love the scene from the movie "White Men Can't Jump" when Gloria tells her boyfriend that she's thirsty and he goes and gets her a glass of water. She gets upset and says: "See. if I'm thirsty.I don't want a glass of water. I want you to sympathize.

I want you to say. ''Gloria. I. too. know what it feels like to be thirsty. I. too have had a dry mouth.'' I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness. Men always make the mistake of thinking they can solve a woman's problem. It makes them feel omnipotent. ...It's a way of controlling a woman."

[Malkin72]

So, she's thirsty, but doesn't want water to quench her thirst....she'd rather whine about being thirsty than solve the problem?

[minimalist syntax]

She wasn't asking him to fix a problem (and certainly not asking him what 2+2 is). She was telling him her needs. If he had responded to them, they would have experienced phatic communion and that would have definitely led to other communions.

[Beka13]

I have trained myself into thinking like a man....It is very liberating. Talk when you have something important to say. Dont sweat the small stuff. Dont give away all your secrets so people can use them against you. Never react emotionally. I like sports. I play video games. If I am watching TV i prefer it to be educational. I dont like doing things unless there is a point. Etc etc....

I think females being more emotionally mature than men is a myth propagated by men to as a justification for them dating young girls and to inflate women's egos so they can play us. However, I think men and women would get along much better if we acted like men more than men acting like women.

[totalliberal]

Men talk too each other. The closer a friend he is, the more you can insult him. Women don't get insulting as a sport. They take it seriously and never forget it...................... Never!

[mamapower]

LOL

[sonoffestus]

LOL............You're right. My wife would be shattered if she played 18 holes of golf with my best friends. She wouldn't make the first 9. 'Insults as a sport", I love it!

[ForVivi]

Men compete for "Alpha Male". Putting each other down is just that. Showing vulnerability is a no-no.
Women can make fun of themselves and be OK with it.

[Nicon]

That or we were socialized at a young age to grunt and smash, rather than think and talk. The very last thing we were shown was introspection.

[BrainDart]

What does introspection have to do with talking? Talking to others is rarely as interesting as my internal dialog.

[Vickster]

As a woman, I've never had a problem getting men to talk to me. In fact, men have told me things about their private lives that I really didn't want to know. I'm also a woman who prefers the company of men. As a rule, men have more interesting conversations and they tell funnier stories, or so it seems to me. Among women, on the other hand, the conversation always seems to devolve into "girl talk". Not that there's anything wrong with "girl talk". It just isn't my thing.

[Malkin72]

You must be hot.

Men are funnier and, here's the key, understand that a good story requires you to explain the KEY details of a story rather than ALL of the details of a story.

The best Simpsons line ever....Marge trying to explain to Homer repeatedly that his new friend is gay...

Marge- Homer. He prefers the company of men.

Homer- Who doesn't?

[Beka13]

Girl talk is pointless.