The continued revelations about Tiger Woods are crushing because his public persona was so perfectly manicured. We loved his goodness as a man as much as his perfect swing. Edwards, Letterman, even Madoff is one thing. But Tiger? The answer should cause us to look deeply in the mirror as men.
Guys we are at a crossroads. You can go back into the cave if you want to but it isn't going to do you, or your family, any good. The guys I know, from investment bankers to Marines, are asking themselves how they can possibly be good fathers, sons, husbands, and workers at the same time. In a way its what women have struggled with for decades but us guys are just facing into as the challenge of a "he-cession" at work and increased expectations at home have us reeling.
At its core is the problem is our caveman instinct to compartmentalize our lives. Many, many men have achieved great public success while failing miserably in their private lives.
I should know. Like Tiger I once had two baby children, a big house and the public spotlight. I was the 29 year-old wunderkind who led the unlikely IPO and, 90 days later, the $2 billion sale of a century old media empire. The same week I was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal my then wife kicked me out of the house for being a failure as a husband and father. That Saturday morning I found myself in a church parking lot trying to explain to my mother why I had nowhere to go. (Read my story HERE)
That phone call began a fourteen year ongoing journey into the meaning of manhood that has culminated in the publication of a recent anthology of men's stories about manhood.
Tom Matlack addressing The Belmont Hill School where students asked questions like, "If I do something bad is it still possible for me to be a good man?"
From traveling the country talking to men of all walks of life the one theme that comes up over and over again is the importance of honesty--with ourselves as men and with our loved ones. A blogger on our website recently called it living a life of "congruence" meaning being the same man as a father and husband as you are a worker. And being willing to talk openly about the challenges of each.
There is no silver bullet for us guys these days. But silence sure as hell isn't the answer. We have to willing to open our mouths and tell the truth about our lives, our successes, and our failures if we are going to get anywhere.
Follow Tom Matlack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tmatlack
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Have you looked at the stats on infidelity? It's at 80% -- and that's probably an under estimate. Monogamy is a human construct. We made it up -- just like the silly sense of guilt that surrounds it. Oh, we should suppress our natural impulses because society says so? Hum, that seems natural.
Everyone involved here is a consenting adult. If his wife feels cheated she is naive.
Tiger Woods is a man -- and he did what all men would do, given the opportunity. He has good looks, money and lots of opportunity. Most married men have a regular schedule that requires they be home after work.
This is a private matter and has nothing to do with his ability as a golfer.
I want to know how many of the corporate executives that sign Tiger's endorsement checks have been faithful to their wives. The hypocrisy is maddening!
Any one who does not want to commit to monogamy, if that is the agreement with the loved one, should stay single.
Too often, women are looking for a husband, when they should relax and go out with people they like and have many things in common. Having a good meaningful relationship with another person should be the goal; Not marriage.
Not dating and only going out with girlfriends and doing your own things will not bring you closer to finding that guy that you can build a healthy loving relationship. Jaded women never attract good men. If you're really attractive, guys will not care if you're jaded and will be just interested in taking you to bed. Sad, but oh, so True!
I was 34 when I divorced my first husband, and there are close to no "good guys" out there, even to date. They are a bunch of selfish and narcissistic boys, and lots have drug or alcohol problems. I was very lucky to find a wonderful man. We were friends at first and hung out together. It did eventually lead to marriage, and we will be married for 10 years on Jan.1st.
Landgeek, it is not entirely hopeless. I found a great guy. He is 15 years my senior. Maybe you should start dating older guys, even if you think they are not your type.
The answer is "No".
Society's idea of "Evil" men is that they broke a sacrament.
We can take away this charade characteristic of "Evil" through one simple solution:
Men should not marry.
If Tiger Woods was not married, but living with his partner/girlfriend, then he would not face the heinous ridicule through the media today. Under such circumstances, If Tiger was having a relationship with another woman, he and his long term girl could have separated and lived apart. Tiger would have been able to date the other woman and live life on his terms.
However, because of a marriage certificate, If Tiger wants to separate, he has to think about his financial holdings, his properties, his money, etc. And most likely, to keep Tiger on a leash, his wife is threatening him that she will take half of his 100's of millions of dollars in wealth and his properties and his yacht and he would have to continue paying her alimony for many years.
A marriage certificate is a "Power Transfer" document, giving control to the woman.
Proof? 70% of marriages end in Divorce. As a result of divorce, men have reduced wealth and property. These are Facts.
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I agree that NO ONE should marry if they aren't prepared to either live up to the commitment of monogamy OR if they don't have an open agreement with their proposed spouse.
The trend among intelligent men today is to not marry. Men today understand the risk of marriage and the chance of financial ruin of an impending divorce. It's can be a financial debacle for a Man. More and more men are not getting married and they are correct.
Tiger screwed up, big time. Yet he has always seems a good man and I suspect he will handle this with more dignity than most adulterers.
Going from basically high school to being a self-made multi-millionaire has got to play with your head....How much "growing up" did he miss out on?
When they asked Bill Clinton why he did what he did, he said it was because he could. There always seems to be a willing, accomodating partner waiting to jump into the breech....
Maybe we are both wrong, but I sure hope his wife busted out of that prison when she clubbed him. Maybe she should THANK his many women for exposing the slimy underbelly of Mr Clean Green. Power and the abuse of power calls for a REVOLUTION. Golf clubs weapon of choice for the peasants.
2. Manliness...ACTUAL manliness is unpopular today. Even the phrase "Be a man." is politically incorrect. As a teenager I was embroiled in a hot dispute with a friend, and said some regrettable things about him and his family. My father, who was one of those guys who seemed to know everything I did or said, no matter where I was when I did or said it, pointed out to me that my friend's father was a fine man, salt of the Earth, and I had wronged him terribly. I admitted that he was right. "What should I do?" I asked.
"Be a man. Go apologize to him." he said.
I did. Hardest thing I ever did.
The idea that manliness can mean that when you are wrong, you SAY that you are wrong is foreign to much of our testosterone-driven, overgrown teenager-riddled society.
Tom, if you can get that point across, then you are doing good work.
I would have never believed this was the case with Tiger. I totally bought his image and admired him as a person and as an athlete. This week I'm mourning the loss of my last sports hero. Good thing I've already learned to look for good men to emulate in my every day life.
There used to be a time when most folks kinda knew that you could only go so far.
Couples struggled with it and either broke up or decided to get married and had a short engagement.
Apparenlty, it worked pretty well.
Now things are different.
Why would any man marry if they could "shack up"?
Doesn't "shack up" mean "living together"?
Please.
Thank you!
We have more content on this topic that you probably want but the format for Huff Post limits me to 750 words. I would *like* to say more but can't here.
Let me know if there is something specific you are looking for that you don't think is here. The truth is in the stories of the men in the book and dvd.