New Documents Indicate That Bush Didn't Show Up to Presidency

04/10/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

During the Vietnam War George W. Bush was handed a cushy assignment in the Texas National Guard thanks to his powerful connections. This ensured that he would not have to actually fight in the war. When he was running for President of the United States back in 2000, documents emerged that indicated he did not fulfill the requirements of his military service but instead was absent from duty for almost a full year. Now, two months after his eight year run in the highest political office, it has come to light that he did not fulfill his Presidential obligation. According to the documents that have surfaced, Bush was present sporadically throughout his time as President. The documents also indicate that Bush vacated the office while he still had ten months left. A political analyst had this to say; "He got into office thanks to his family connections and then he deserted the office and had his staff cover for him. Daddy made some calls and got him off the hook, again." Bush has illustrated repeatedly that he has a tendency to slack off, get bored with things and then abandon them. A close family friend had this to say; "He's always done this. He did it with his blocks in nursery school, then in first grade he gave up on counting to 10, he gave up on his college courses, his oil job, the National Guard and finally the Presidency."

Abigail Goodman, Bush's date to a Greek formal at Yale had this to say; "I'm not at all surprised. I mean he deserted me during the Black and White Winter Ball. He seemed gung-ho about the date at first but a couple hours later he appeared bored and fidgety. At the time I thought it was just all the cocaine he had snorted in the limo, but now looking back I see it was a deeper character flaw. Later I saw him making out with someone else in the parking lot. I was crushed since he had just told me that my body was 'nucular' hot." A former White House employee, who wished to remain anonymous, chimed in on the scandal; "This should not come as a shock to anyone. I mean W. can't follow through on anything." Bush has issued this official statement; "This is ridiculous...of course I didn't desert it. I gotta go."