THE BLOG
04/17/2013 06:20 pm ET Updated Jun 17, 2013

Crazy on You

alamy

DSM-V, the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is due for publication in May. Here's a sneak preview of some new mental disorder categories:

Asshole Driver Disorder A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, Often mistaken for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Diagnosis indicted by five (5) or more of the following:
  • Shows complete disregard for rules of the road
  • Treats speed limits as "suggestions"
  • Fails to use turn signals when changing lanes
  • Cuts in a line of cars and then doesn't let anyone else in.
  • "Flips the bird" at another driver more than once a day for three consecutive months
  • Plays music too loud
  • Refers to his car as a female (e.g. "Isn't she a beauty?," "She's a sweet ride.")

Clueless Boss Disorder
Individuals with this Cluster B Personality Disorder behave impulsively and relate poorly to others. Relationships, self-image, and emotions are unstable. Diagnostic criteria include at least four (4) of the following:

  • Refers to subordinates as "my team"
  • Disorganized speech (e.g., frequent derailment or incoherence)
  • Makes more money than subordinates, but doesn't work as hard
  • Kisses his boss's ass
  • Tells bad jokes that employees feel compelled to laugh at
  • Keeps office door closed at all times
  • Says the words "outside the box " at least once a day for two consecutive months
  • Voted for Romney because Obama is a "socialist"
  • Wears belt AND suspenders
  • Secretly fears he'll be "found out"

Girlfriend/boyfriend Who "Just Doesn't Get It" disorder
A persistent, often chronic mental disorder affecting a variety of aspects of behavior, thinking, and emotion. Patients with serious delusions may be described as psychotic. Characteristic symptoms: Two (2) or more of the following during a 6-month period:

  • Refuses to accept break-up
  • Engages in stalking behavior
  • Prone to "drink and dial" late at night
  • Former girlfriend/boyfriend often says, "You just don't get it, do you?"
  • Never really gets it

Attention Deficit Disorder Disorder
Obsessive worrying by parent that one or more children may have Attention Deficit Disorder. Impairment from the symptoms is present in at least three (3) of the following:

  • Fears that child often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
  • Obsesses over the fact that the child often does not listen when spoken to directly
  • Worries that child often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work or chores (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
  • Marked fear that child often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort
  • Buys Ritalin in quantity

Amnesic disorder, not otherwise specified
A feature of the DSM-IV, but stricken from the DSM-V. No one remembers why.

Madmen Disorder
Disabling obsession with the TV show Madmen. Condition marked by at least two (2) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 6-month period

  • Believes show's characters to be "real"
  • Cries at least two (2) times a day when show is between seasons
  • Thinks the world of Peggy, doesn't care for Don's first wife, Betty
  • Thinks Don drinks too much
  • Thinks Roger smokes too much
  • Thinks Don's second wife is a bit too young for him.
  • Thinks Joan's breasts are improbably large
  • Answers own phone "Hello, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce"

Cannabis Dependence
Clinically significant maladaptive behavioral or psychological changes due to cannabis use marked by at least three (3) of the following

  • Problems with attention, lethargy, and impulsiveness
  • Dry mouth
  • Calls marijuana "weed" or "buds" but never "pot" or "marijuana"
  • Needs markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
  • Chronic use of the word "chronic"
  • Inappropriately addresses authority figures as "dude"
  • Repetitive/obsessional viewing of The Big Lebowski
  • Euphoria
  • Often forgets what he/she was euphoric about
  • Listens to music in headphones in an effort to "take it up a notch"
  • Frequently stops at stop signs and waits for them to turn green

Facebook Disorder
Repetitive and maladaptive behaviors centered on the compulsive use of Facebook, marked by at least two (2) of the following:

  • Spends more than two (2) hours daily on Facebook
  • Has more than three hundred (300) friends
  • Has more than one thousand (1,000) posts
  • Obsessively chides others for failing to check messages on Facebook
  • Refuses to accept the fact that just because someone "likes" you on Facebook, they may not in fact like you
  • Has many more "friends" than friends

Editor's note: This blog post is satirical.

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