03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I'm Fairly Certain That I, Too, Had an Affair With Tiger Woods

Airing dirty laundry in public is never pleasant. That’s why most people own washing machines. But sometimes, there’s no other option. That’s why I’ve decided to stand in the cold light of truth and admit to the world that I’m fairly certain that I, too, had an affair with Tiger Woods.

I make this admission not for any monetary gain, although if Mr. Woods’ representatives wish to offer me fair compensation for my considerable emotional distress, I’m willing to accept their proposal and halt my confession right here. Still silent on this matter, Tiger?  Okay, you leave me no choice but to make a full public confession about our time together. Still nothing? Right, here goes.

And Tiger, don’t tell me you “don’t remember” our time together or that I must be "making it up.”

We’ve heard that story before. Wasn’t that what you said about Cocktail Waitress #2? Or was it Las Vegas Party Girl #4?

It doesn’t matter. The point is that the public no longer believes anything Tiger Woods says anymore. That goes for Tiger’s endorsements as well. I’ve already thrown away all of my Nike sneakers and Titleist golf balls. And as soon as I find out what Accenture makes, I’m getting rid of that, too.

But let’s not lose sight of our main point here: I’m fairly certain that I, too, had an affair with Tiger Woods. And as such, I deserve to be made whole again. Still nothing, Mr. Woods? I suppose that means that you don't care if I release to the public every one of the text messages stored on my cellphone, some of which could involve embarrassing or compromising details about our time together. And there are a number of mysterious hang-ups on my voice mail, strongly suggesting that whoever called was worried that his wife was onto him about his adulterous ways. Those hang-ups are going to sound pretty incriminating when the audio is posted on the Internet and ranks as the top story on Yahoo News for three days running.

Too many people have been hurt by Tiger Woods’ selfish lack of self control, and I have no wish to make anyone's pain worse. That’s why I appeal to Tiger (or his lawyers) to do the right thing and compensate me for my own pain, so I can get on living my life, albeit in a much larger house. And while you’re at it, throw in some sneakers. I’m lost without my Nikes.