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05/25/2011 12:01 pm ET | Updated Jul 25, 2011

Dick Cheney: Funny Guy

Dick Cheney's autobiography In My Time will be published August 30th. His daughter Liz promises the book will capture Cheney's "sense of storytelling and sense of humor."

Sense of humor?

To be honest, I've never considered Dick Cheney to be a necessarily "funny" guy. I guess if Cheney was being sarcastic when he said we'd be "greeted as liberators" in Iraq, that's kinda funny. Along those same lines, saying Bush "kept us safe" is an example of comic irony; you know, like when you call a fat guy "Slim." And I suppose drinking some beer and shooting your buddy with a shotgun could qualify as "slapstick."

But when I took a glance at his book, I was surprised at how funny Cheney is. He really cuts loose on Bush. Here are some excerpts--

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

Frankly, President Bush did not know a lot about...well, take your pick. But he was particularly clueless when it came to international relations. So when he was meeting French President Jacque Chirac for the first time, as a goof I told Bush to make sure he thanked the French people for giving America the Grand Canyon as a gift. Amazingly he actually fell for it! When Chirac gently corrected him and said he was thinking of the Statue of Liberty, Bush glared at him and said, "Don't tell me about the U.S. of A., froggy!"

President Bush really enjoyed being in England. I think driving on the left side of the road reminded him of his drinking days.

In 2006 President Bush traveled to India. He spent a day a Vishakhapatnam. After the first speech they were 90 minutes behind schedule as a result of President Bush trying to pronounce "Vishakhapatnam."

While in India, Bush also attended a ceremonial meditation session. When the guru told the president to empty his mind, I muttered, "He's way ahead of you." You could tell Bush was steamed, but what's he gonna do? I was packing heat and as that old coot in Texas can attest, I'm not afraid to use it.

PLANNING THE IRAQI WAR

We were hard at work in the Situation Room. Bush decides to show up, because he was bored. (The Texas Rangers game must've been in a rain delay.) He kept asking to help, which was really annoying to those of us who were actually trying to get stuff done. Finally I tossed him his old pom-poms from when he was a cheerleader and said, "Here, make yourself useful!" Well, the little sissy actually does it! He takes the pom-poms and starts up with "Gimme a 'U'! Gimme an 'A'!" Rumsfeld turned to me and said, "Tell Hillary not to bother, we already got our first woman President."

LIFE IN THE WHITE HOUSE

I truly loved living in the White House for eight years. How did I manage that? During the 2000 campaign, I casually mentioned to Bush that the President lives at 600 Pennsylvania Avenue. So he spent two terms sleeping in the waiting room of a Jiffy Lube.

2004 ELECTION

**We wanted to put the debates off for as long as possible on account of Bush being dim and all. Well, John Kerry tells the press that Bush is scared to debate. That cut right to Bush's sensitivity about being a wuss. So "43" put on his affected Texas accent and proclaimed, "George W. Bush never runs from a fight!" I pretended to sneeze and said, "Vietnam!" Oh he didn't like that at all.

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