Titanic Centenary Celebration!

05/16/2011 11:51 am ET | Updated Jul 16, 2011
  • Tom Ruprecht Author, 'This Would Drive Him Crazy: A Phony Oral History of J.D. Salinger'

Next April will be the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. Looking for a way to celebrate the tragedy? Well, the British company Miles Morgan Travel is offering a Titanic Memorial Cruise coinciding with the anniversary. I'm sure you've got questions, so I've taken the liberty of putting together a little brochure to give you some more information.

Will the trip be a faithful reproduction of the original Titanic voyage?

You bet! You'll depart from Southampton UK on Sunday April 8 aboard the MS Balmoral. The ship will travel to Cobh, Ireland--the Titanic's final port of call. From there you head across the Atlantic Tuesday April 10th, Wednesday the 11th, Thursday the 12th, and Friday the 13th (uh-oh!).

In keeping with Titanic tradition, Saturday April 14th at 11:40PM you'll strike an iceberg 400 miles south of Newfoundland. The ship will take on water and then at 2:20am the bow will crack and sink to the ocean floor. The stern will rise at a 90-degree angle before also plunging beneath the surface.

Sounds perfect!

Indeed. But that's not all. We've worked closely with Harland & Wolff, the company that built Titanic, to ensure the Balmoral gets all the little details right. For instance, we have painstakingly restored a woefully inadequate number of lifeboats--the same deadly oversight as the 1912 tragedy!

What else?

We're also spending $450 million to build an exact replica of the ocean liner SS Californian which will remain a few tantalizing miles away from Titanic, but will be oblivious to the unfolding disaster. As on the fateful night, the Californian's operator will turn off his radio before going to bed and the on-deck crew will dismiss the distress flares they see in the distance as an opulent fireworks display coming from the doomed liner.

Am I assured of an icy grave?

A common question. Many fear the effects of global warming will prevent the water from being as frigid as that which claimed the original victims. That's why we're bringing in a fleet of 62 additional icebergs (look out, Captain!) to keep the Atlantic at a 1912-like 28 degrees.

So am I absolutely guaranteed of dying just like my heroes on Titanic?

Yes, but only if you're one of the first 1,509 to sign up. In the interest of historical accuracy, we're afraid the remaining 705 passengers will be rescued. So don't delay!

Okay, I'm sold! How do I sign up?

Whoa, not so fast. Before being allowed on the cruise, passengers must undergo a thorough underwater test to assure us they don't know how to swim. We'll also be giving special consideration to asthma sufferers and people who tend to "lose it" in emergencies.

Oh no, I just realized I'm busy in 2012.

Then be sure to ask about one of our other packages. For instance, May of 2013 we'll be launching Hindenburg II. Or you may wish to wait for our exciting "Pompeii Getaway" in 2014. And you'll certainly want to plan on being in Europe 2018 when we celebrate the 670th anniversary of the Black Plague!