07/04/2011 03:00 pm ET | Updated Sep 03, 2011

Decisively Indecisive

My brother is the most indecisive person in the world. Ask him any question, that involves even the slightest degree of choice, and his answer will invariably be, "I don't mind". He is the archetypal fence-sitter; the hedge better; the indifferent little sod who refuses to tip the scales either way. And he most certainly is a rare breed. How do I know this? Because there is a simple acid test which proves, beyond any question, the levels of indecision (or lack thereof) that lie at the heart of every individual.

The difficulty in calculating indecision is that it becomes so violently skewed by those most manner yielding; mentally repressive; agonisingly formulaic moments that result in behavioural interaction commonly referred to as 'social niceties'. When dining at a friend's house, for example, if one fancied a second helping of desert, whilst the natural response would be to dive in and scoff the cake, social etiquette dictates that one waits to be asked for the opportunity - and even then it's best to answer with some vague equivocation which implies that one could potentially manage an extra sliver if the host if the host absolutely insists. You see, we can all be indecisive in those circumstances. The real test of someone's decisiveness is to present them with choice in a situation at which they are utterly at ease - say at home with their family in front of the television. Control of the TV remote of an evening can be - as anyone with siblings will testify to - akin to wielding Excalibur. You feel giddy with power; the slightest press of a button can cause half a dozen pairs of eyes to burn into the side of your head; murmured protests in the background about not wanted to watch any more sport fall on deaf ears; and the world kneels before you and grovels - after all, you are king of the remote. Okay, maybe not. But the point remains that only a fool, or someone genuinely indecisive, would pass up such an opportunity of control. But my brother does routinely, and a fool he is not.

But being indecisive is no bad thing; in fact it makes for something of an equilibrium in the world. The way I see it, for every fifteen 'decisors' (yes, you read that correctly) there lies a single 'indecisor' - just enough to prevent humanity from teetering over the edge into a chasm of endless dogmatic squabble. The indecisors are the unsung heroes who make up 5% of the population; the decisiors are the 75% who, whilst often uncompromising, are able to fight their natural urges just enough not to make pillocks of themselves the entire time. But, as the brighter among you might have gathered, this leaves 20% of the population unaccounted for. This void, sadly, is filled by a third type of person: the 'blunters', or 'blunts' if you like to rhyme.

Blunters are decisors without the social nicety reflex built in. Subsequently, they are unbearable. Always candid and never faltering, the blunters are frank truth-tellers who say what's on their mind in any given situation with absolutely no thought of tact, erm... in-tact, as it were. We all know a blunter or two. We've all had to sit through that awkward moment when a blunter goes off on one of their rants, totally oblivious to the fact that they've just directly offended a decent proportion of the people within ear shot - which tends to be anyone within a half-mile radius, because a blunter is always that loud. In fact a blunter wouldn't know subtlety if it slowly crept on them, tapped them on the shoulder and whispered into their ear "I'm subtlety you stupid obnoxious blunt".

I suspect that the majority of the people reading this, like me, consider themselves to be decisors. And, indeed it's not such a bad position to hold; safe in the reassuring knowledge that we're better than blunters, but soberly reminded that we're highly likely to cross paths with one sometime soon.

So what's the moral of this short story you ask? Well, I'd have thought it was obvious by now, but I'll summarise anyway: So, It's better to lie than tell the truth... sometimes... but only at the right times... and never ever be.......well it's okay to be truthful when... no wait, that only works if.....hmmmm. Perhaps I am an indecisor after all.